Church Tells America: Don't You Sass Me!

MACON, GA – The United Foundation Of Superior Christian Religions today issued a statement declaring that Americans are "nosy, with bad attitudes" and that we suffer from a "serious case of sass mouth." Americans also "don't need to know everything" and should accept that certain inconsistencies and unbelievable doctrines are true "Because!"

The statement came among a flurry of speculation that the church was simply fed up with debate and was not going to tell us again. The Reverand Clancy Davenport of Macon, GA read from the statement on the County Courthouse steps. His followers had erected a massive crucifix constructed entirely out of two giant Subway sandwiches, which were donated as part of a "Hot Cross Sandwich" promotion in conjunction with the fast food chain.

Davenport stood arm in arm with Subway spokeseater Jared Fogle, famous for shedding 245 pounds by gorging exclusively on the chain's sandwiches.

"I know a little bit about human suffering", Fogle told the crowd. "When I was really starving, just trying to get under 300 pounds, I often thought to myself 'now I know how Jesus felt.' That human suffering made me realise that if we just did what we were told - in my case eating only one type of food endlessly until I could parlay it into a parasitic job - we'd all be a lot happier. And thinner."

Each man then proudly selected a piece of sandwich and "ate of His sub."

"This is a great day", Davenport beamed. "I can't wait to get back to doing as I'm told and I hope you'll all do the same."