Sunday, September 17, 2006

Bush Names Popeye Secretary Of Agriculture

WALLA WALLA - Hot on the heels of the e-coli outbreak that has led to the recall of spinach nationwide, President Bush has sprung to action, announcing that animated character Popeye will assume duties as Secretary of the Department of Agriculture.

"Against the forces of evil bacteria, Popeye is strong to the finish," Bush explained from an airtight containment chamber in Washington. "I've been assured by my advisors Hanna and Barbara that this is the guy for the job," adding "ug, ug, ug, ug, ug."

When challenged as to the actual existence of Popeye, Bush accused reporters of "...animated Fascism. We'll see if you say that 'bout 'em when Deputy Dawg is keeping our borders safe!"

Bush then explained that other animated characters were up for various positions in his administration. "Screwy Squirrel, that fella, he's unpredictable. Kooky. Elusive. I reckon that's the kind of fella we need runnin' the CIA."

Bush also announced that he has been informed that "Magilla Gorilla is for sale" and that this made him "...ideal for a key position in Defense. My buddies at Halliburton are gonna like the way he thinks!"

Olive Oyl, currently in treatment at an undisclosed location for an eating disorder, was unavailable for comment - while Bluto is busy "getting our torture policy sorted out," according to Bush.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Et Tu, Ginsu®?

WASHINGTON – In a time when knives seem to be on everyone's hit list - with bans on airlines and in schools – the ancient weapon has taken yet another blow with the death of knife capitialist Arthur Schiff, inventor of the Ginsu®.

Schiff, who died of lung cancer last week in Coral Springs, Fla., at 66, was a businessman who almost single-handedly invented the style and despairing manipulative power of direct response TV. Among the scourges he unleashed were the "amazing" Steakhouse Onion Machine®, the "miraculous" Ambervision® sunglasses and the "revolutionary" Shiwala® car mop.

In an unexpected turn of events, President Bush reacted with a press conference, calling for the "immediate confiscation of all Ginsu® knives."

"The Emperor has died," Bush announced. "Emperor Ginsu. And now we can safely ban this, the most dangerous of all knives, without fear of offending the Japanese people. It's a surrender - with honor. Just like WW Two."

When asked by a reporter if this "knife control" will lead to expanded gun control, Bush responded: "Hell no."

"You see, guns don't kill people, knives do," explained Bush.

Bush called on all Americans to relinquish Ginsu® knives in their posession at once. "We've all seen the training videos, on late at night - late at night when freedom is taking a nap," he explained. "I know I have. I've seen 'em cut through a tin can like it was hot butter!"

"But wait, there's more," Bush added, producing evidence of the existence of a "knife training manual" entitled The Wisdom of Ginsu.

"It also says that in Japan the hand can be used as a knife. And we're lookin' into that. Got my top Orientals on it."

Jim and Buzz were unavailable for comment.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Bush, Barney Don't Know It's Not Bacon

"It's Bacon!" Barks an Enthusiastic President Bush

WASHINGTON – In the early morning hours, when the rest of Washington is still sleeping through another late night of policy debates and fundraising galas, President Bush enjoys the precious few moments he can share with his best friend and dog, Barney.

"Barney and me, we like to get up 'round about 5 am, before the sun peaks up. We like to horse around a bit, you know, wrestle with an ol' sock, throw the ball back and forth" explains President Bush after another tense meeting with his National Security Council.

In an exclusive interview with AFG, President Bush reveals an unexpected tenderness about his daily routine. "Barney and I, the best part of our morning, is probably breakfast. We love bacon, those, uh, what do you call it? Bacon Strips. Every morning I cook up a batch of strips, and we chow down a bit before another hectic day begins."

In a town like Washington, where your best friend one day can be your sworn enemy the next, the relationship between a man and his dog is sacred. President Bush's misunderstanding of Beggin' Strips® brand dog food, then, puts White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolton in an awkward position.

"I'm sure what the President meant to say was that he enjoys feeding Purina Brand Beggin' Strips to Barney every morning" explains a testy Bolton. "We keep the bag of Beggin' Strips underneath the sink, right next to the dog food for a reason, so I don't think President Bush actually eats the same strips as Barney. But their water bowls are side by side, so I can't go on the record on that."

But the President remains undeterred in his appreciation for this food, saying, "I don't know how they do it, but I've never had a crunchier, meatier, more flavor-full piece of bacon in my life. It gives me the energy, the protein, I need for my daily bike rides." Finally, Bush adds, "I don't want Laura or the twins to know about this treat, we'll be running out of it all the time, that's why I keep it hidden underneath the sink. Same way we hide the booze."

McGruff the Crime Dog was unavailable for comment.