Bush Has Brain - Kind Of - Says Leading Scientist

TERRE HAUTE, Indiana – Scientists were stunned and stirred to reaction today by an announcement from the International Physics and Ultradimensional laboratory that claims to have proven the existence of George Bush's brain.

Lead scientist Vladmir Volstof addressed a small but vocal group of scientists this past Wednesday:

"Somewhere in the recesses of George Bush's skull, we are constantly told, lurks a mind. And what a mind it must be - if it exists. We set out to answer this question and our research has yielded extraordinary results. The 'brain' exists - and is essentially a multiple dimensional construct that exists in large part through the power of it's owner's belief in it's existence."

Citing many lauded scientist's work, most notably Stephen Hawkins and Roger Penrose's "The Nature of Space and Time," 'Vlad', as he is known in the futurist circle of scientist's to whom he is a guru and hero, laid out the results. It seems that Bush does indeed have something resembling a brain - but something that cannot exist without the almost Jamestownian belief it exists by a fanatical group of followers - and the man himself.

"In a black hole, you have an event horizon where the degeneration of a star has collapsed into a space of total mass and gravity. So is Bush's brain - it's degenerated so badly that it's collapsed. Now all facts are decimated, all information is crushed and rendered into pure energy - energy that helps perpetuate the existence of the 'brain'. Nothing of value can escape intact - or in a state we can yet comprehend."

Vlad then delivered the assertion that has led to a frenzied outcry among physists worldwide, that the President is a conduit for a mass hallucination called Bush's "brain":

"There is a dark matter at play - we call it Karl matter - that acts as an ultradimensional expansion rate. In other words this phenomina is a manifestation of mass delusion amongst the American people that is amplified by this Karl matter. Their unified belief that Bush has a brain, combined with Bush himself believing - makes this assertion real. Or at least real enough that it's extremely dangerous.'

The scientific community was quick to react. Many like Roberto St. Jacques of the Canadian Labbatts Scientific Center refused to accept the data: "I don't care what Vlad is telling us, I just cannot accept that something exists when there is no hard evidence that it actually does. We're scientists, not Harry Potter."

Others found some solace in the news:

"This makes sense to me - and it explains so much," Christopher Barrow of Science Tommorrow weighed in. "I think we've all been stumped as scientists to explain the persistent belief that Bush has a brain. This unified expansion theory not only explains the perpetuation of this belief, but also provides new understanding as to the very nature of such a construct. We may never see Bush's brain, and we may never have hard evidence that it exists. But by the reaction of those around it and it's negative effect upon the energy and mass that encounters it, we know it is a powerful - and highly destructive - force."

In an unexpected twist, Republicans found themselves at a loss for words, caught between arguing Bush's brain did not exist or that it was a figment of their own imagination.

Volstof's next project will focus on proving that Bush actually won his first Presidential election.