Crazy Rod! His Senate seat prices are INSANE!

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich also promises "Depression era prices" on such Illinois staples as The Getty Tomb, The Chicago Theatre and even Mike Dikta's belly, which the Gov. describes as "previously priceless!"

McCain predicts "a nice long nap is rejuvenating" for nation's economy

Davenport, IA -  The AFG caught up with  Presidential candidate John McCain as he was  leaving his rally in Iowa this Saturday, where the Senator revealed a surprising new economic theory:

"My friends, there are a lot of different ways to look at things," the Senator held forth.  

"Like the economy for instance.  Whereas some see this as a recession or a slow down, I like to look at it as a nice long nap.  In that sense, it's rejuvenating. Refreshing even, especially if you have some Gold Bond medicated powder around.  

My friends, I'd choose that over actual gold bonds, by the way.  There's a tip for you.  Oh, and they even have it in cream form now, I was just informed.

And I'm sure that we'll see an upswing in sales of sleep aides - there's a growth business.  See, we're already on the road to recovery.  That's what I mean when I say sound fundamentals."

When questioned if he was saying negative growth in  the economy was a good thing, the Senator seemed annoyed.  "Look, I  know it always works wonders for me. I take several naps a day and you don't hear me complaining, do you?  I rest my case, my friends."

McCain childhood friend Rip Van Winkle was unavailable for comment.  

  

McCain to America: "I'll be right back."

NYC - Presidential candidate John McCain today surprised Americans when he hung a sign outside his office door, indicating that he would return at 10:10. Reporters for the AFG waited until 10:45 to no avail.

Campaign staffers eventually confirmed the Senator did not actually specify which day he would return.

One staffer suggested we "Check back next Friday maybe? What's not straight about that?"

Meanwhile, reports indicate that VP candidate Sarah Palin had begun erecting a mobile 12 foot wall to perpetually exist between she and the media.

Bush calls for Red Cross investigation

WASHINGTON DC - As the smoke clears in the wake of Hurricane Ike, the nation begins the hard work of repair and clean-up. Meanwhile, national officials are looking at the damage and what went right this time, as well as what might have gone wrong. But at the White House, where President Bush has long harbored resentment over the events of Hurricane Katrina, there is apparently a new theory that the President himself is pushing.

Officials are dismissive, refusing the AFG access. However, in a journalistic coup, the AFG reached the President today on the bathroom phone outside the Oval Office. The President proved animated and more than willing to discuss his theory - that the Red Cross was somehow involved in the stream of disasters befalling the US.

"I dunno," the President began, "it just seems weird to me. These guys are first on the scene every time. I have the full force of the United States and we can't pull that off. So somethin' smells funny. What's their angle? I dunno. I've gone over and over it and I can't figure out what they're gettin' out of it, but I will."

"And they're an international organization. What does that tell you? We all know that if you insist on gettin' everyone's opinions - and formin' what they call a 'consensus' - I didn't even know that word 'till recently either - well, you don't get things done. Someone has to decide."

The President had to hang up then as he was "..through peein and I'm not supposed to be talkin' bout this. Don't ya wish I had four more years to figure this stuff out?"

Tina Turner, who had fled to the West coast in anticipation of Hurricane Ike, was unavailable for comment. Steve and Jeff McDonald also refused comment.

McCain's environmental plan promises "waterfront property for the middle class.."

Americans question viability of life below sea level

McCain to America's women: "Vote for the ovaries!"

DAYTON, OH - Presidential Candidate John McCain stunned Americans today by announcing that he was choosing Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential Candidate.  

"My fellow Americans, America loves women," the Senator explained.  "They're a good bit of what I thought about when I was held captive all those years.  And I know you'll be just as captivated by my selection to lead this nation, in the extremely possible event I die a relatively timely death."

The Governor explained the reason for her selection.  "I'm just thrilled to have been qualified in the right way for this job.  Clearly, I'll have as much of a voice as Joe Biden will have with Barack Obama.  And by that I mean there is a chance that a man of John's age could lose the capacity to speak somehow."

"Isn't she just a pistol?" asked the Senator.  "Vote for the ovaries!" 

"I'll tell you my fellow Americans, I am just so impressed with the several hours I've spent with the Governor.  And with my schedule and frequent naps, a few hours is a major commitment.  So I know her as well as I know anyone, save perhaps those Godless bastards that held me captive all those years, providing me with horrific  memories.  Memories that no one dare bring up as a reason not to elect me to the most powerful job on earth."

Many were curious as to how the Senator made his decision. 

 

"It's true, my fellow Americans, that you have to really look far and wide to find a Republican and an American like this.  To find an American like this, my fellow Americans, you have to actually leave America for a while, and drive through Canada.  And then to a place that is pure white all year round - and where it's always a twilight of cotton candy.  

And let me tell you, my fellow Americans, this woman can hunt.  And I have seen her collection of pelts and animal skins and I can tell you that you haven't truly lived until you've seen this woman's beaver."

The Senator concluded the rally by making love to a Hilary Clinton mannequin behind a  sheer white curtain.

Tina Fey, who will surely play Governor Palin in a wacky sketch comedy, awards show or film that is slightly more high brow than this article in the not too distant future, was unavailable for comment to the AFG. 

Large Growth Removed From Mole

WASHINGTON DC -   After last week's latest Senator McCain face growth activity, the mole in question has come forth to set the record straight. And according to the mole, he's the one that had the surgery.

When reached for comment, he expressed his relief.  

"Damn straight I had that thing removed.  You don't know what it's like, knowing everyone is looking at you and hyper aware of it.  Plus the noises it would make.  You never knew what kind of embarrassment it would bring."

Asked what's next, the mole revealed that he is now dating a fellow liberated mole, this one from Sex in The City star Sarah Jessica Parker, and that they plan to start a reality tv show together called "The Real Moles of Washington DC."

"She's not ready to face the public yet," the mole explained.  "She spent a lifetime drowning in thick make up - she's glad to be free at last.  But we'll be debuting on MTV in the fall."

Toad of Toad Hall and Ratty refused to comment on this story.

Once highly respected man further entrenches irrelevance by stating the obvious on behalf of no one.

  Also calls out "Showtime At The Apollo" for "whitening their blackness..." 

Clinton "Doctors" Puerto Rican voter turnout

PUERTO RICO - News broke today that Senator Hilary Clinton 

continues to fight for the Democratic nomination - seemingly by 

any means necessary.

First came the senator's "assasination gaffe", and now it seems 

that she has thrown her fate in the hands of a controversial figure -  

one Doctor Moreau - in order to increase Hilary friendly voter 

registration in Puerto Rico. 

And according to sources, the increase in voters could be 

"as much as 50%".

"It's true," confirmed one Edward Prendick, a former 

Clinton campaign worker at the Puerto Rican island 

headquarters:

"They are cross breading an entire voting block. Moreau is her 

secret weapon.  Animal rights activists drove him out of the States. 

It got so bad he couldn't cage a rat human hybrid creature without 

them reading him his rights!  So he found a new life - and new lives 

- in Puerto Rico.  He never dreamed his ship would come in, but now 

that the island figures in the election, the Hilary campaign is bank 

rolling his work.  Bear in mind, he's not even allowed to practice 

anywhere that isn't an island."

Clinton herself was quick to defend the initiative:

"Look, as I have proven so succinctly during this campaign, we are all beasts.  Who is to say what "human" is anyway?  Well, we've seen what happens when we don't let every vote be counted! And so I say we let these beastial freaks of science be HEARD! There is no pain, there is no law!  Kwaa!  Kwaa!"

The senator then produced a sample humanoid of

striking similarity to herself.  The creature said little,

except for incessant chanting of "Yes, she can! 

Yes she can!"  

A clattering of hooting, grunting and screams echoed 

into the Puerto Rican night as the musky smell of 

hybrid voters rose with the wind. 

"Aaaaooooorrrooeeeooorrrowwww!" screeched first time voter Wolfie (pictured).  "Vote Hilary!""

When reached by phone in his island laboratory and challenged by AFG as to the ethics of the initiative, Moreau struck back.

"Permit me, Mr. Reporter, to tell you something of the Devil as I've come to know him. I have seen the devil, in the polling numbers that senator Clinton has shown me, and I have chained him."  

According to Moreau, he had grander designs and "wanted to turn animals into humans and humans into gods. But it's instinct and reason, instinct and reason," the Doctor argued.  

"What's reason to a politician?"

Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean offered little more explanation or position, saying only that "To go on two legs is very hard. Perhaps four is better, anyway." 

 

In other related news, Ohio band Devo where allegedly offered the chance to perform at the rally, but refused citing the event as "too devo."  

Bill Clinton had the final word as of this posting, telling a group of frightened African American  children inside a a South Florida church that he could "..take back all that nice stuff I did for y'all when I was President if your parents don't vote for Hilary."  

He also added that his wife would "...prove that you can go out with a whimper - and still win!" 

The seriously fucking pissed off  ghost of Robert Kennedy was unavailable for comment. 

Reached for comment somewhere made somehow less safe by Senator Clinton, Senator Obama would only comment that "I hope, or I could not live...". 

Easter Bunny Reacts To Huckabee Attack

Boca Raton, Florida -- On the eve of the Florida Primaries, The Easter Bunny today struck back at Governor Mike Huckabee, calling him a "Jesus freak and a freak for Jesus", as well as "totally out of touch with today's modern Easterian."

The comments came in the wake of Huckabee's statement at the Florida Republican Debate Thursday night that contested Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq were ..."like easter eggs. Just because you don't find every egg, doesn't mean that it wasn't planted."

The Rabbit, describing himself as the "living embodiment of Easter", explained that Huckabee's comments were a thinly veiled attack upon what he called "the real modern Easter."  He added that he was "as hard as I need to be to have reached this level and to have maintained for so long.  All the while, I've been about something positive in the Easter community."

"Meanwhile, Mike, if that is his real name, is always pushing the revisionist Jesus agenda - I've been under attack by them since the beginning, but clearly this guy wants to kick up an unprecedented wave of rabbit phobia and fur bating. I've already been getting reports of chocolate bunnies with their heads bitten off, urine stained Easter grass - I'm calling on America to stop this - before things get out of hand."

Citing Malcom X and Bruce Lee as "fellow misunderstood visionaries", the rabbit seemed annoyed that he was stuck in Florida because of the attack.

"It's mating season ladies!

This time of year I'm usually with some cotton tails in a triplex stop. Then I heard word through the warren about what was going down, so I hopped my ass on a train down here."

We asked the rabbit about his chain-smoking and fidgety behavior.

"It's the malady of the modern easter bunny. Why do you think he's putting the image of egg bombs in everyone's heads?  We've messed up the status quo and they want it back. It's about the economy - money that could be going to the church is coming our way instead."

When reached by holy vision, Huckabee laughed, refusing to comment, saying only "Shucks, we all know there aint no Easter Bunny..."

Oddly, the Governor was seen leaving shortly afterwards in full hunting gear, instructing the press corps assembled there to "gear up for some tasty wabbit stew. It's wabbit untin' season..."

Reached for comment while in Las Vegas, a surly Bugs Bunny lashed out."  One, there's a frickin' writer's strike on so I aint sayin' shit 'bout nothin'.  And two, I don't need a two cause I'm Bugs Frickin' Bunny! Now get out of here - before I show you what it's like!"

CNN Graphic Comes to Life to Eat Wolf Blitzer

How'd You Get All That (Space) Junk In Your Trunk?

ORLANDO – First NASA officials said Wednesday it will review psychological screening assessments of astronauts after the recent arrest of Lisa Nowak, who is charged with attempted first degree murde of a romantic rival. Now as friends and strangers try to understand what could have caused her crash landing, new shocking clues emerged.

A family statement said Nowak had recently separated from her husband of 19 years, who works at NASA Mission Control. They have a teenage son and young twin daughters. They also added that the son is unusually hairy.

The AP then reported that there had been signs of problems before Nowak's arrest. In November, police were called to Nowak's home near the Johnson Space Center after a neighbor reported hearing the sounds of dishes being thrown inside and animal like grunting and growling, AP reported.

Nowak, a Navy captain, is accused of accosting Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman, 30, in the parking lot of Orlando International Airport early Monday and attacking her with pepper spray. She told police she only wanted to talk with Shipman "...about a great new recipe I found in Women's Astronaut Daily".

Nowak and Shipman were both "in a relationship" with Navy Cmdr. Bill Oefelein, another astronaut, according to a police report of the incident. Nowak told police her relationship with Oefelein was "more than a working relationship, less than a romantic relationship but not necessarily not a relationship type relationship."

But the latest bombshell came as sources revealed that the love triangle was actually a foursome, with Nowak carrying on with an alien wookie creature named Chewbacca.

Jonathan Clark, a friend of Nowak and her husband, appearing on CNN's American Morning, called Nowak "a wonderful, good, caring person" who "was a mother before she was an astronaut. If she hadn't gotten mixed up with that damn wookie, none of this would have happened. Plus once he entered the picture, there were strange balls of hair in the pipes no one could explain. It screwed up the plumbing for the whole neighborhood."

Clark went on to describe an inter-species affair that took both the wookie and Nowak to a galaxy far, far away. The relationship was apparently tumultuous, with Chewbacca unwilling to leave his wookie wife.

Nowak, who has been an astronaut since 1996, flew her first shuttle mission in July, serving as a mission specialist aboard the Discovery. She and crewmate Stephanie Wilson were known as "the robochicks" because of their work with the shuttle's robotic arm. It's now assumed Nowak first encountered Chewbacca on one of her space walks.

Michael Coats, director of NASA's Johnson Space Center in Houston, issued a statement saying Nowak "is officially on 30-day leave and has been removed from flight status and all wookie-related activities."

"We are deeply saddened by this tragic event. The charges against Lisa Nowak are serious ones that must be decided by the interstellar judicial system, in consultation with the Jedi Council," the statement said.

Nowak's family released their statement from their home in Rockville, Maryland which read, in part: "We hope that the public will keep an open mind about what the facts are regarding wookies and that the galactic justice system will be allowed to run its course."

In related news, Depends, maker of adult diapers, has asked Nowak to be their spokesperson. According to President Lee Kee Butts, they plan to tout the brand's "...out of this world leakage protection. I mean, 900 miles is a heck of a long drive without stopping."

Billy Dee Williams was unavailable for comment.

So Fresh and So Clean: Biden Plays Outkast Card!

ATLANTA – Senator Joseph Biden expected to announce his candidacy for President last week to great fanfare, but reporters and supporters got more than they bargained for when Biden instead stirred up a furor by reffering to candidate Barak Obama as "fresh and clean" compared to previous african american candidates.

Today Biden revealed that he was speaking in a vernacular he expected American African Americans to understand.

"I'm down with black people," Biden told reporters, "and I'm down with Outkast. African Americans know that I meant so fresh and so clean (clean). I could have just have easily said he was my nigga, aint none bigga! Black people get me, get used to it!" Biden then dipped hungrily and with ruthless abandon into a bucket of KFC chicken: "See muthafuckas!?"

The Rev. Al Sharpton, reached for comment by AFG, seemed confused by Biden's comments.

"Andre 3000 and I hang all the time at our favorite hair salon in Atlanta and to my knowledge, the band does not think of Joe as their brutha from another mutha, their nigga, or even their homey."

This is only the latest desperate effort by Biden at damage control. On Thursday Biden claimed the statements where actually part of a new comedy routine, originally expected to be unveiled in a alleged forthcoming "The Kings Of White Northeastern Political Comedy" film. When pressed to produce evidence of the film's existence, Biden instead went into his "routine" again for reporters, apparently to prove his point.

"Welcome, ladies and germs...," Biden began. "Take Hilary Clinton...PLEASE! No, seriously folks, how bout that Iraq war policy? We don't get no respect I tell ya, no respect at all."

Things then degenerated into what was reffered to by reporters and attendees as a "madcap rant". Derek Andrews of The Miami Urban League was one of the officials present.

"Was that shit supposed to be funny? Cause I wasn't laughing."

Bush "War Cabinet" Made of Maple

CRAWFORD, Texas – For days the nation has stood in wait as President Bush has spent time with his War Cabinet, assembled to review and plan for the next stages of the Iraqi war.

But today news came that the entire enterprise was a case of mistaken identity. It turns out Bush's enthusiasm is actually for a new piece of furniture he'd bought himself for Christmas.

Bush explained to dumbfounded reporters at his Crawford ranch: "I've been good and Santa got it for me. Y'know, heh, Santa. See, I got a lot of papers and stuff from the war. I need a place to put 'em so I can, y'know, have my libraries and, um, meditate upon my creations. I also got some good war material - historical documents and references - stuff I need to be the decider."

A quick look at the cabinet by AFG revealed numerous copies of DC Comics' Sgt Rock, hand written war meeting doodles and poorly drawn pictures of Condaleza Rice with the word "boobies" scrawled in the margin, a Top Gun DVD, several copies of Mad Libs for Lil Cowboys, and strangely, a Fried Green Tomatoes audio book.

When challenged as to the meetings he had been attending to plan out the future in Iraq, the President seemed confused.

"That's when I'm a cowboy! I tune everything out and I go to my special place."

U.S.A. To Bush: Fuck you!

Desperate Republicans Promise Less Misery In Exchange For Votes

WASHINGTON – Republicans, worried about the future of their party and feeling the sting of voter backlash, have now fallen back upon their ultimate back-up plan - the promise of freedom from further misery, oppression and suffering.

The RNC's Karl Rove announced Wednesday night that the party was "...telling it like it is. It's very simple really - we have two more years running things. You want this the easy way or the hard way? Well, you mess with our control of Congress and we'll see to it the next two years are even worse! Keep us in power - and we'll remember who our friends are. You know we always do."

President Bush himself endorsed the promise tonight at an official fundraiser for Political Action Committee W.H.I.T.E & R.I.C.H. When asked about Rove's comments, Bush added:

"Well, think about it. The Republicans - well, some of 'em disagree with me once in a while. And you know, I even listen to 'em sometimes. But do you think I'm gonna listen to anything the Democrats tell me to do? Heh, heh - you must not know me very well."

"Cause y'know," Bush continued, "I've got all sorts of crazy shit I'm dyin' to try before I leave - and I've never gotten caught up in the whole Constitution thing. I have my own Constitution - and I won't quit.....and the American people understand that listenin' to the quitters is lettin' the terrorists win."

When asked how the party would be able to discern who voted for the Republicans and who didn't for purposes of retribution, the President explained "We know, dammit. You really aren't payin' attention are 'ya?"

Iraqis Asked To Stay Indoors Until Further Notice

BAGHDAD – A general announcement was made in Iraq today asking all Iraqis to stay indoors. The announcement, carried on all radio, tv and internet channels, was read by actor/director Mel Gibson.

The announcement began with with the sound of easy listening jazz, apparently to calm listeners, and then Gibson read:

"Citizens of Iraq, this is Mel Gibson. Yes, that Mel Gibson. Ah – I can hear that many of you have begun firing your weapons in the air – thank you, thank you, that's very heartwarming.

The United States Of America has great news. You have all been given an extended vacation. That's right, it's time to kick back, put your feet up and just O.D. on bad TV – I know I do it. Just catch up on that cleaning up round the house, or the cave, or the rubble or whatever. I have a maid for that – but I can assure you she's illegal so we have a lot in common – we both like stickin' it to the man. And I KNOW you know that's not all we have in common. Um, if this was on tv, you'd see that I'm winking right now."

There was then an on air argument between the producer and Gibson, cullminating with Gibson apparently striking the producer with his microphone while ranting something about "....the Goddamn media - you Jews control it all don't ya?"

Gibson then returned to the broadcast:

"So, anyway, I'm back – and there's just one more thing. If you could do us a total solid and just stay indoors until further notice, that would be so cool. Let us know later when we can do something for you too. The point is, stay indoors. At least until after our elections."

Asked why Gibson was chosen, Lt. Col. Steeltoe Upyoass explained "Well, he made sense. We figured they would trust him because he hates Jews as much as they do. And the Lethal Weapon series is huge here on DVD."

The Anti-Fascist Gazette wishes to acknowledge that this should be the last Mel Gibson piece we do for a while.

Rush Limbaugh On Special Olympics: "Lazy & Unmotivated"

WASHINGTON – After offending all living creatures with his attack on Parkinson's disease sufferer Michael J. Fox, conservative pill-popper and sub-human megaphone Rush Limbaugh yesterday took aim at contestants of the Special Olympics on his daily radio show.

"I went down to the track this weekend to bet on the ponys," Limbaugh began, "and what do I find? A bunch of slow moving 'athletes' using the track and no racing! These people are shameless! And it's obvious they are part of the national conspiracy - the conspiracy to rob us of our precious stem cells that we would otherwise be able to throw in the trash. These stem cells deserve to die with dignity - just like Terry Shiavo - just look at what we did for her."

As if that wasn't enough, Limbaugh also catagorized the competetors as "lazy and clearly unmotivated - maybe if they exercised more they wouldn't have to put on such an act to win!"

A representative of The Special Olympics - who asked to remain anonymous - and who was on site when Limbaugh arrived told AFG the conservative mouth piece was "...clearly irritated and disoriented. We also caught him going through the kid's bags looking for pills!"

The AFG contacted several Special Olympics contestents and most preferred to "ignore the bald fat man."

But Ray, a 34 year old man living with autism told AFG:

"Uh oh! Definetely a major infraction. Rush Limbaugh, definetely an asshole. Of course, Rush Limbaugh is a terrible driver." Ray then excused himself as it was "nearly time for Hannity and Colmes!"

Dick Clark Cadaver to Host New Year's Rockin Eve

NEW YORK CITY - The Cryogenic Foundation today announced another triumph in it's ongoing efforts to preserve the minds and bodies of some of America's most beloved figures.

With funding from Disney's ABC subsidiary, the Foundation has succesfully implanted Dick Clark's cadaver with full animatronic capability. "America and the world will continue to enjoy Dick Clark's talents on New Year's Eve," said Henry Gale, head scientist at the Foundation.

Clark apparently died earlier this year, but Disney kept his death hidden from the public until this week. With this successful animotronic cadaver, ABC will announce Clark's death in advance of the cadaver's appearance in this year's "Rockin Eve."

"We think it will be a great show," said Phil Rosentein, Rockin Eve's producer. "No other New Year's Eve show will be hosted by an animatronic corpse. It's truly historical."

Unfortunately, the Cryogenic Foundation was not able to replicate its success on Walt Disney's corpse, which has been housed there since he died in 1966. "We tried, but his left arm, both ears, and nose fell off," explained Gale. "Even in a super-cooled environment, his body did deteriorate over the years."

Michael Jackson's former lips were unavailable for comment.

Bush Assembles Unprecedented Coalition Of The Unwilling

WASHINGTON – President George Bush today revealed at a press conference that his administration had succeeded where no other had - in uniting the world.

"Today we can tell the world that we hear you. We hear your cries and searing, um, resentment. We feel your united sense of purpose - and we take pride in the knowledge that it was our plan – or lack thereof - that made this possible."

Vice President Cheney confirmed that the facts back up Bush. According to the VP, the current data indicates that the entire world outside the U.S. has found unity and common ground against American policy.

"It's very straightforward you fucking dumb-ass," explained Cheney. "For the first time we see polls indicating that the rest of the world feels in-step on key issues. If that's so hard to understand why don't you go fuck yourself? What the fuck is the 'AFG' anyway?"

Bush explained it was a strong redemption for his Presidency. "The whole wide world - you get the feelin' they're havin' a party out there. I told y'all I was a uniter."

Republicans Clone "White Obama" for '08

WASHINGTON – In the halls of power of Washington, there are few secrets that remain that way forever. Today there is growing talk of just such a secret - and the repurcussions on the political landscape stand to be epochal. More and more sources are coming forward and telling the tale of the "White Obama clone."

This clone is apparently the candidate the GOP is hanging it's hopes on for the 2008 Presidential race. A superhuman demographical jigsaw man made to order.

"Oh, it's definetely happening," one insider informed AFG. "Karl Rove and his henchman extracted a DNA sample from Obama at a fundraiser and have been working in an underground facility to create a white version of the Senator using an advanced form of cloning, surrogate mothering and dark occult practices."

One scientist who left the program over "deep ethical concerns" explained how the process works: "They took a DNA percentage of various people - they have Reagan's hair, John McCain's war wounds, Barry Goldwater's 'gut,' Dick Cheney's manners - it's a genetic soup really."

But it was apparently California Governor Arnold Schwarzeneger's DNA that made up a good amount of the final formula. According to sources, the party is thrilled with the prospect of having "a version of the Arnold that thinks exactly like us at last."

Reports also indicate DNA from Richard Nixon's toe was included so that "we wouldn't have Nixon to kick around anymore..."

The anonymous scientist also unloaded one last bombshell - Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter Mary Cheney carried the child to term. "She took one for the team. I think she sees it as a way to put the past behind her and start fresh. It's also possible they are drugging her. Either way, it worked out."

In March, a suspicious character – who looked much like Obama – was seen milling about a White House reception until approached by Rove who escorted him out of the room. One attendee overheard Rove say, "you have to stay in the basement" and "yes, we will bring you more jellybeans" to the Obama look-alike.

As to how a child born just a few years ago will be old enough to run for President in '08 – apparently the GOP has that covered. One source who had been approached in assisting is Damien Hellstrom of Salem, MA. According to Hellstrom, a self described "life-long agent of Satan and his works," Karl Rove approached him about assisting in an ancient ritual that can make a child age to full maturity in mere hours.

"Yes, the one you call 'Rove' came to me. He sought my unholy aid to create this Demonobama. I explained that I could not partcipate in this act."

Hellstrom told us he turned down Rove because 'THAT guy is just plain evil."

Dr. Strange was occupied gazing into The Eye Of Agamato and was unavailable for comment.

"Assman" Revealed! Holy Joementum!

HARTFORD – The Superhero known as "Assman" to the citizens of this Connecticut capital city revealed himself today to a large crowd of unsuspecting citizens, who quickly beat him senseless.

The formerly masked crusader has terrorized the state of Connecticut since the summer with asinine, illogical comments.

Assman burst on to the scene in August, when his sidekick Joementum lost a contest fair and square in the Nutmeg State. Joementum picked up his JoePhone and called Assman for help. "Help Assman! I need you!"

Assman's response was swift. "DO NOT FEAR: ASSMAN IS HERE!" he bellowed to the citizens of Connecicut as he stepped off a MetroNorth train in Stamford. "My three clients in Brooklyn won't miss me," Assman declared. "Plus, two of them don't pay me anyway."

Assman had a plan for Joementum as soon as he stepped off the train: "Let's cheat!"

A key part of Assman's plan was a "Reeducation Initiative."

"CITIZENS OF CONNECTICUT: THE SUN SETS IN THE EAST!" Assman shouted across the state in early September. "If you think otherwise then you are with the terrorists."

"PEOPLE OF THIS FINE STATE: WE MUST NEVER FORGET THE LESSONS OF 9/11 – SO WE MUST KEEP SCREWING UP IRAQ!"

Bill Johnson, a lumber yard foreman in Danbury, commented at the time: "What the f*ck is this assh*le talking about? If I ever see that son of a b*tch I will break him in half."

Johnson and others got their chance to beat Assman into a bloody pulp when he made an appearance in downtown Hartford this morning. Outfitted in a trendy trenchcoat, Assman pulled off his mask to reveal himself to the gathering crowd.

"Kill him!" was heard from the crowd as it moved on Assman. Several minutes into the brutal attack, Assman escaped into a nearby alley.

"This just proves my point," Assman explained. "People are getting my message of unity and purpose."

Fear, Heartbreak and Dissolutionment New National Pastimes

EUGENE, OR - A report issued today by the National Institute of Analysis revealed that more Americans are making time to lose hope.

Institute President Bob Toast explained: "What we're seeing here is that Americans, in general, are showing a remarkable shift in their leisure time. Whereas before pastimes like baseball, music, love, football and sex seemed important, now they are more devoted to hobbies like fear, heartbreak and dissolutionment."

According to statistics shown to AFG, many Americans site "that fucking asshole in the White House" as a large influence, while "the seering misery of human existence in the 21st century" also scored big points. When asked what remaining hopes they did have, Americans responded most enthusiastically for "meaningless sex and a quick and flamboyant death."

White House Homeland Security Director Frances Fragos Townsend described the finding as "welcome news." Fragos explained that "unless we are stricken with fear and loathing, we as a country will never be prepared for the terrorists' next move. That's why we must not cut and run in Iraq."

In related news, musician Bobby McFerrin has re-recorded his hit "Don't Worry, Be Happy" with new lyrics and the title "Better Give Up, Life's Crappy":

Here is a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it mope for mope
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
In every life we think we shed trouble
Well I'm here to break your bubble
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy...

Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
The land lord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
Look at me I feel like shit
Its time to call out my own hit
Here I give you my address
Tell the assasin to make me worry less
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy

Dan Smith Revamps Lesson Plan

"I'll Teach You to Rock Without the Blues"

NEW YORK CITY – Dan Smith's efforts to teach rock & blues guitar to New York City's beginner and advanced musicians has long been heralded as a New York City treasure. Often credited as the most influential preservationist of traditional American rock & blues guitar, Dan Smith is about to finger another instrumental fretboard. In an exclusive AFG interview, Dan Smith unveiled his new lesson plan aimed at America's sexual fulfillment.

"I dedicated my life to preserving the sounds and styles of rock & blues guitar, sure, so America is once again dominant in that realm, but what about her sexual fulfillment? I decided that succeeding one mission, saving rock & blues guitar, does not give me a free pass on starting another: teaching you how to orgasm," said a notably enthused Smith.

With ink barely dry from another stop at Kinko's, Dan Smith is already posting his trademark flyers all over New York City. "Look for them basically anywhere: streetlights, mailboxes, coffee shops; pretty much anywhere paper sticks to things."

The news of Dan Smith's new lesson plan are already generating quite a buzz around this city. Noted rock & blues guitarist and Dan Smith protege, Mark Tremonti of the hit Christian Rock Band Creed, is reported to be number two on the waiting list for Smith's newest class.

"Just because I am a Christian does not mean I do not deserve to drink from the blessed cup of sexual fulfillment, a gift I believe God left for a man and a woman - and Dan Smith," said Tremonti. He impatiently awaits his first lesson, to be scheduled within a week, having already purchased the required supplies for a successful session.

"I'm supposed to get a couple of candles, a bottle of wine, something sweet and white, my favorite guitar pick, and a Luther Vandross CD, anything recorded when he was fat, for some reason," reports Tremonti, holding up every item eagerly. "Oh, and a picture of Mr. Clean."

Bush Names Popeye Secretary Of Agriculture

WALLA WALLA - Hot on the heels of the e-coli outbreak that has led to the recall of spinach nationwide, President Bush has sprung to action, announcing that animated character Popeye will assume duties as Secretary of the Department of Agriculture.

"Against the forces of evil bacteria, Popeye is strong to the finish," Bush explained from an airtight containment chamber in Washington. "I've been assured by my advisors Hanna and Barbara that this is the guy for the job," adding "ug, ug, ug, ug, ug."

When challenged as to the actual existence of Popeye, Bush accused reporters of "...animated Fascism. We'll see if you say that 'bout 'em when Deputy Dawg is keeping our borders safe!"

Bush then explained that other animated characters were up for various positions in his administration. "Screwy Squirrel, that fella, he's unpredictable. Kooky. Elusive. I reckon that's the kind of fella we need runnin' the CIA."

Bush also announced that he has been informed that "Magilla Gorilla is for sale" and that this made him "...ideal for a key position in Defense. My buddies at Halliburton are gonna like the way he thinks!"

Olive Oyl, currently in treatment at an undisclosed location for an eating disorder, was unavailable for comment - while Bluto is busy "getting our torture policy sorted out," according to Bush.

Et Tu, Ginsu®?

WASHINGTON – In a time when knives seem to be on everyone's hit list - with bans on airlines and in schools – the ancient weapon has taken yet another blow with the death of knife capitialist Arthur Schiff, inventor of the Ginsu®.

Schiff, who died of lung cancer last week in Coral Springs, Fla., at 66, was a businessman who almost single-handedly invented the style and despairing manipulative power of direct response TV. Among the scourges he unleashed were the "amazing" Steakhouse Onion Machine®, the "miraculous" Ambervision® sunglasses and the "revolutionary" Shiwala® car mop.

In an unexpected turn of events, President Bush reacted with a press conference, calling for the "immediate confiscation of all Ginsu® knives."

"The Emperor has died," Bush announced. "Emperor Ginsu. And now we can safely ban this, the most dangerous of all knives, without fear of offending the Japanese people. It's a surrender - with honor. Just like WW Two."

When asked by a reporter if this "knife control" will lead to expanded gun control, Bush responded: "Hell no."

"You see, guns don't kill people, knives do," explained Bush.

Bush called on all Americans to relinquish Ginsu® knives in their posession at once. "We've all seen the training videos, on late at night - late at night when freedom is taking a nap," he explained. "I know I have. I've seen 'em cut through a tin can like it was hot butter!"

"But wait, there's more," Bush added, producing evidence of the existence of a "knife training manual" entitled The Wisdom of Ginsu.

"It also says that in Japan the hand can be used as a knife. And we're lookin' into that. Got my top Orientals on it."

Jim and Buzz were unavailable for comment.

Bush, Barney Don't Know It's Not Bacon

"It's Bacon!" Barks an Enthusiastic President Bush

WASHINGTON – In the early morning hours, when the rest of Washington is still sleeping through another late night of policy debates and fundraising galas, President Bush enjoys the precious few moments he can share with his best friend and dog, Barney.

"Barney and me, we like to get up 'round about 5 am, before the sun peaks up. We like to horse around a bit, you know, wrestle with an ol' sock, throw the ball back and forth" explains President Bush after another tense meeting with his National Security Council.

In an exclusive interview with AFG, President Bush reveals an unexpected tenderness about his daily routine. "Barney and I, the best part of our morning, is probably breakfast. We love bacon, those, uh, what do you call it? Bacon Strips. Every morning I cook up a batch of strips, and we chow down a bit before another hectic day begins."

In a town like Washington, where your best friend one day can be your sworn enemy the next, the relationship between a man and his dog is sacred. President Bush's misunderstanding of Beggin' Strips® brand dog food, then, puts White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolton in an awkward position.

"I'm sure what the President meant to say was that he enjoys feeding Purina Brand Beggin' Strips to Barney every morning" explains a testy Bolton. "We keep the bag of Beggin' Strips underneath the sink, right next to the dog food for a reason, so I don't think President Bush actually eats the same strips as Barney. But their water bowls are side by side, so I can't go on the record on that."

But the President remains undeterred in his appreciation for this food, saying, "I don't know how they do it, but I've never had a crunchier, meatier, more flavor-full piece of bacon in my life. It gives me the energy, the protein, I need for my daily bike rides." Finally, Bush adds, "I don't want Laura or the twins to know about this treat, we'll be running out of it all the time, that's why I keep it hidden underneath the sink. Same way we hide the booze."

McGruff the Crime Dog was unavailable for comment.

You've Got Questions. We've Got Death.

NEW YORK – Not content with just firing employees via e-mail, the Radio Shack corporation today sent 200 other employees a new e-mail – this one notifying them of their deaths.

Sources confirmed to AFG that the e-mail was proceeded by a special package that employees were instructed to open upon receipt of the e-mail. The e-mail was forwarded to AFG:

The work force reduction notification is currently in progress. Unfortunately your existence is one that has been eliminated.

Radio Shack regrets to inform you that you have died. Please take the special stress relief tablets we have sent you.

You may subsequently experience a floating sensation. Shortly thereafter, all your troubles will feel as if they've just melted away.

A spokesperson for Radio Shack who spoke to us on condition of anonymity explained "this is isn't easy for us either. We have HR people with all sorts of repetitive motion injuries from hitting 'send'. And then there's the cost of corpse removal!"

Customers shopping at the 23rd street Radio Shack in NYC had mixed reactions.

Jim Heff, a self described "Hacker - to the EXTREME!" told AFG that "..this is an outrage. I came here today to get a XLR-USB adaptor so that I can synchronise my online and video porn with my new HD screen and my Hustler FEM BOT. But if this is how Radio Shack sees the common man, I may just have to take my business to J and R!"

Others were less concerned. Tom Dresden of Sweatshops International saw the move as "smart business sense."

"They did the right thing - they told these people - look, you're dead. Sometimes someone has just got to have the guts - and the love of freedom - to step up and to tell them the truth. I just pray that when my time comes I'm allowed the same dignity in death."

Spartacus and John Ball, joined together in the midst of an eternal intellectual struggle in the afterlife, were subsquently unavailable for comment.

Cunningham Lands Influential Inmate Appropriations Committee Spot

"He's Absolutely Thrilled" Reports Newly Acquired Bitch

BUTNER, North Carolina – Randy "Duke" Cunningham (R-CA) was recently assigned a role in the influential Butner Federal Correctional Complex Inmate Appropriations Committee and is due to chair the Subcommittee on Shanks and Filed Contraband.

Citing his many years experience maneuvering complex political channels that transformed this once humble high school swim coach and Naval pilot ace into one of the most corrupt officials on Capitol Hill, Cunningham pronounced that he was "officially open for business, with bidding for toothbrush shanks and other filed contraband starting at one carton of menthols per."

With his trademark inside-out pocket, Cunningham also touted his newly acquired bitch, a gaunt cellmate with dentures whose name was not reported and answers only after receiving explicit permission from Cunningham.

"I vow to put the same energy and intelligence into this vaunted Committee as I did the 'Shark Finning Prohibition Act' and the 'Flag Desecration Prohibition Legislation' that earned me the respect and admiration of my colleagues and constituents."

Cunningham's Chief of Staff, Todd Cunningham (serving a two-year sentence on drug trafficking) elaborated, saying, "the voters of this cell-block understand, just like the voters of San Diego understand, whether your sleeping in your cell, or in your illegally acquired house boat, there is no better guarantee of personal safety than a fully armed or sharpened weapon under your pillow."

A visibly emotional Cunningham attempted to fight back tears as he embraced his son and bitch with each arm. "Without these two, I'd be a bumbling fool, wallowing in self pity in some minimum security prison for accepting over $2.4 million in bribes on defense contracts during
a time of war. Thank you, Jesus."

With that, the born-again Christian kissed his crucifix necklace and retired to his cell with his bitch.

Great Churchill's Ghost!!

THE ECTOPLASMIC DIMENSION - Hundreds of witnesses in both the UK and US reported seeing the ghost of long deceased former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill. And according to eye witnesses Churchill isn't here to reminisce.

"He's not at all a happy ghost," explained eyewitness Dora Pepperpot of London. "I always heard how charming he had been, but now he's quite angry. He kept going on about that Rumsfeld fellow - shouting 'enough is enough' and that he was going to do something very graphic to Rumsfeld with a scale model of the QEII."

Apparently Churchill's ghost then made his way to Rumsfeld's Pentagon office where he attempted to swallow his soul. This proved even more frustrating when Churchill found it was "spoken for."

According to an aide who witnessed the "terrifying" experience, the ghost expected to exact revenge for Rumsfeld's evoking his name in the Iraq conflict.

"We're used to seeing angry ghost's round here - I mean Reagan and Lincoln are PISSED! But this was the first ambassador type ghostly visit. I must say, however, it's true what they say about the English being very well spoken - even his obscenities had a certain class."

Rumsfeld was unfazed, suggesting Churchill "just give it some time."

Rumsfeld then began to queestion Churchill's "..committment to freedom. Maybe all that serving God in heaven stuff has made you soft on Fascism?" At this point Churchill apparently became so frustrated he took flight, explaining that he was having a hard time even tracking down current British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

"They've got him hidden in a lead box somewhere or something," Churchill told witnesses, "but he has to come out eventually and then I'm going to get World War Two on his ass!"

After repeated suggestions by Ray Parker, Jr., AFG's attempts to contact Ghostbusters Inc. were unanswered.

La Kookoo Bastard

EL PASO, TX – To any casual obsever walking the city streets of this Texas town, it's business as usual. While media-hyped tensions over immigration continue to mount, residents here say there's work to be done and little time to ponder when immigration issues will be addressed by the U.S. government.

So it's easy to understand why they might not recognize one face among the many Mariachi bands that play for change on the city streets – the face of CNN's Lou Dobbs.

Yes, Dobbs has taken his obsessive fight against illegal immigration to a new level, infiltrating the Mexican-American community by posing as a Mariachi musican.

"When first I saw him, I just thought he was a particularily ugly light skinned Latino," explained Salvador Perez. "But then Pedro told me he was that fat bastard from the television!"

AFG attempted to communicate with Dobbs but the CNN commentator refused to acknowledge his true identity. Dobbs would only say, "Yo no speako Englisho" in response to our questions.

A CNN representative did acknowledge that "Lou is on America's other frontline – deep under cover – rooting out those who have taken advantage of our broken borders.

"Robert Rodriguez, maverick director of the the fim "El Mariachi", was unimpressed with Dobb's efforts, weighing in from the set of his new film, "Tequila, Orgías Y Explosiones."

"If I was directing him, he'd have screwed seven prostitutes, blown up a canteena and spat in the boss man's face by now! That's infiltration."

New Atlantis: Bush Declares Victory In New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS – President George Bush today made a brief stop to announce to residents - and to the world - that the U.S. had achieved "victory in New Orleans."

"It's now been over a year since an attack by a hurricane on the city. That's over a year. And that's over a year of freedom - freedom for, uh, brackish water. And to eventually have, in some parts now, electricity. The hurricanes - they hate freedom. But liberty will prevail."

Bush went on to describe the worst hit parts of the city as "wonderfully exotic since the attack. They've really turned it around. And you can see that, in many cases - they prefer this almost aquatic environment. It's like a kinda New Atlantis. People are drinkin' and gamblin' - it looks to me like they're havin' a heck of a time."

"In the global war on weather, FEMA has accomplished it's mission. Our nation's precious coastlines are once again safe under the government's vigiliant and unblinking eye." Bush then paused to exchange a secret handshake with God.

When pressed to elaborate on how residents had evolved, Bush was quick to add that he was refering to "Mutations, just mutations. Y'know, not evolution but more like that Shaun Cassidy TV show."

Mayor Ray Nagin was notably subdued during the visit, leading some to speculate had been "drugged for the occasion."

Spike Lee, reached for comment in Brooklyn, invited the President to "jog naked through Harlem" at his earliest opportunity.

Mel Gibson Swears to Offend Entire Muslim World

MALIBU, California - The increasingly insane Mel Gibson today announced he will pay a personal pennance for recent anti-Jewish remarks by rededicating himself to offending Muslims everywhere just as badly.

"This is the least I can do. God told me - this is your spiritual community service," said Gibson.

Gibson plans to tell the "true" story of Lawrence Of Arabia, "a story of a cultured, Christian man driven to hedonism and homosexuality by dirty Arabs."

Gibson explained that Lawrence' rape at the hands of Turkish prison officials will be shot on 64 camera High Definition Digital Holy Vision (HDDHV). Kirk Cameron will play Lawrence.

"Until you see these dirty penises entering him from every imaginable angle, how can you understand the true nature of Arabs?"

Of additional interest is news that Gibson has already set his sights on his next project, one that might bring more controversy.

Reached for comment via a publicist, Gibson's co-star in the "Lethal Weapon" series, Danny Glover, confirmed that he had been approached by Gibson about a part in another upcoming Gibson film. "He wants me to play Moses in a musical version of the Ten Commandments called 'A Perfect Ten.'"

"The script is odd," noted Glover. "It portays Pharoah as a victim of the Jews. He wants to free the slaves but the Jews are pressuring him to keep themselves enslaved."

Glover provided AFG with an excerpt from the script that reads as follows:

PHAROAH: This Moses wants you to be free.

CROWD OF JEWS: No!

PHAROAH: But he says "let my people go!"

CROWD OF JEWS: No way! We want to stay in slavery!

[CAMERA PANS FROM CROWD TO CRYING PHAROAH]

PHAROAH: But I don't want to keep enslaving you!

CROWD OF JEWS: Enslave us! Enslave us! Enslave us!

When reached for comment, Gibson's publicist said "How do you know it didn't happen like that?"

"Mel wants to show how Moses saved the Jews from themselves. It was very heroic."

They'd Like To Buy The World (A Coke)

EARTH – It has been known for weeks now that if astronomers approve a newly proposed planet definition next week, asteroid Ceres and Pluto's moon Charon will both become planets. But today astronomers revealed that other changes were in store. Apparently through a convergence of bizarre scientific reclassification and a shortage of funds, celestial objects are becoming available for corporate sponsorship.

"Eventually our the moon will have to be reclassified as a planet," said Gregory Laughlin, an extrasolar planet researcher at the University of California, Santa Cruz, who described himself as currently "ass deep in hookers and blow with all the money I just scored."

The new definition, proposed this week by the International Astronomical Union (IAU), basically says every round object orbiting the sun is a planet, unless it orbits another planet. But there is a big caveat: for the right amount of money, they'll call it whatever the hell you want. One such agreement elevates Pluto's moon Charon to "The ESPN Zone," an idea some astronomers have criticized.

For readers keeping track, Earth's moon (soon to be tagged "Coca Colastronomy" according to the IAU) was born in a catastrophic collision more than four billion years ago. It started out very close to the planet but has been moving away ever since. It's currently drifting away about 1.5 inches (3.74 centimeters) every year, a key point within new classification standards.

"If the Earth and moon do survive, then the gravitational barycenter will eventually move outside the Earth as the moon recedes," Laughlin told BARELYLEGALSCIENCECOEDS.com. "At that point the Moon would be promoted to planetary status. What would we call it? This way the issue is taken care of ahead of time and we avoid a sudden crisis."

None of this would occur for a few billion years. And Earth and the moon would have to survive a host of remote catastrophe scenarios along with the predicted swelling of the sun into a red giant, which Laughlin and others have previously said might engulf and vaporize our planet (although he is quick to add that such catastrophes "are also on the table for negotiation.")

Astronomers expect to find hundreds of Pluto-sized objects in the outer solar system and the bidding is on, Laughlin explained.

Even highly ambulatory objects are eligible for sponsorship, as Comet X-47 has recently been renamed "Amazon.comet."

A vote on the new definition is scheduled for August 24 at the IAU meeting to be formerly held in Prague, but that has since been moved to a high end resort in Austria due to "newly relaxed finances."

But the world stands ready, with Discovery Channel Store spokeswoman Pamela Rucker predicting new coorporate-named planet toys could be in stores in time for the Christmas season.

In related news, Jack Horkeimer has suspended his trademark "Keep watching the stars!" closing. The astronomer explained to AFG, "I don't know what the fuck to call anything anymore..."

Holiday In Cambodia Interrupted

BOULDER, Colorado – After first laying to rest the 10-year mystery of who killed JonBenet Ramsey, another stunning admission came Friday from John Mark Karr in Bangkok, Thailand - that he killed President John F. Kennedy.

"I loved JFK. It was an accident," Karr told a rabid mob of hungry flesh eating jackals assembled by the local police for the occasion.

Boulder police were also quick to act, handing down indictments by breakfast. According to several sources within the investigation, the police have obtained evidence from chat room conversations between Karr and Senator Edward Kennedy where Karr confessed to have "...killed your brother. I was there when he died."

Citing rules she "remembers reading at law school" and the ongoing investigation, Boulder District Attorney Mary Lacy declined to discuss what evidence, other than Karr's post-arrest admissions and the fact he is "clearly a sick fuck" linked him to the 6-year-old beauty queen or the Kennedy assassination.

In related news, Karr has gone through two stylists due to "creative differences" since his arrest.

Jello Biafra was unavailable for comment.

Bush Administration Eases "Human" Requirements for Military Enlistment

WASHINGTON – The Bush administration today yet again lowered requirements for US military service, specifically removing the rule that enlistment must be "human."

Bush, flanked by representatives of this new military force, expressed great excitement over the new candidates: "I've let the word go forth, at this place and time, to circuses, zoos, freak shows and mad scientists - your country needs you."

"For instance, there are many a primate that live among us performing useful tasks, both at home and abroad. We need 'em." Bush added.

Sen. Jack Reed (D-RI) commented that this "might explain Rumsfeld."

Bush suggests this is just the beginning, and that his efforts to find life on other planets "could provide untold armies for the fight against global terror."

Billy Johnston, the head of personnel for the Department of Defense and a self-described "huge Star Wars fan," explained that the Pentagon is also looking into cloning a skilled bounty hunter and "replicating hundreds of thousands of war fighters from this single humanoid."

"Another option in the works is a droid army, but that is only in the conceptual phase," revealed Johnston. "I made several drawings and sent it to Lockheed-Martin as well as the Skywalker Ranch."

Hezbollah Hillbillies Relocate To Beverly Hills

TYRE, Lebanon and BEVERLY HILLS, California – A once poor Lebanese family has landed in Beverly Hills after striking oil in their homeland.

According to Jedba Azaz, relatives and friends instructed him that "...California is the place you ought to be. So we loaded up the camel and we moved to Beverly. Hills, that is."

The Azaz family were launching rockets toward Israel when an Israeli artllery shell landed in their yard. "After the explosion from the Zionist bomb, we saw a giant black fountain come up from the Earth," said an exuberant Jedba Azaz. "Priase Allah!"

Neighbors told Azaz to call a company called Halliburton, which promptly sent a representative to their war-ravaged village. "This nice American woman Mrs. Hathaway gave us one million U.S. dollars and visas to the United States," said Azaz. "Praise Allah."

The Azaz family is settling in nicely in Beverly Hills and enjoying the Los Angeles atmosphere. "The best thing for us now is that we do not have to live near the Jews," boasted Hizna Azaz, Jedba's wife.

The family is also apparently in discussions about a reality TV series, according to LA talent agency Dershowitz, Mendlebaum and Katz.

Bush's "Sensual Massage"

NEW YORK -- An impromptu sensual massage that President George W. Bush gave German Chancellor Angela Merkel has led to calls for Bush to change his professional occupation - and to get laid.

A 5-second video and series of photographs recently posted on YouTube.com and various blogs show Bush surprising Merkel at the G-8 Summit by quickly rubbing the back of her neck, shoulders, inner thighs, feet and genetalia. The chancellor immediately leans back in her chair, begins moaning, throws her legs up and shouts "Yes, yes!" then appears to be dissapointed as Bush walks away.

"It appears we've found something he's good at," commented Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean. "I think sensual massage is his true calling."

Earlier this week, AFG reported Bush was recorded using sexual language while discussing the Mideast with British Prime Minister Tony Blair. All of which is also causing world leaders to ask whether or not the President is getting enough at home. "We all saw what happened with Clinton when he wasn't getting satisfied," explained an anonymous White House source.

Even actor John Travolta, vacationing on Scientologist Island, weighed in. "I'm feeling kind of tired myself - I could use a foot massage..."

Bush to NAACP: "Some Of My Best Soldiers Are Black!"

WASHINGTON – In his first speech to the NAACP after a five-year boycott of the civil rights group, President Bush boasted that "some of my best soldiers are black."

"I tell our recruiters to seek out black folks out for our military," said Bush. "I want them on the front lines in Iraq. If that's not having faith in America's African Americans, I don't know what is!"

As the audience sat in stunned silence, NAACP official Benjamin Hooks told the AFG that "this is very awkward."

"When it comes to dismantling roadside bombs, I tell the commanders to send the colored troops out to do that," boasted Bush. "I have no problem with quotas when it comes to this.....these brownies are doin' a heck of a job!"

When asked by reporters what other positions Bush endorses for Afrcian Americans, he responded that he found that "...they make great bartenders too. Plus they can sing up a storm. Like a hurricane. Actually, um, scratch that comparison"

The Rev. Jesse Jackson told AFG he attempted to give the President some advice before Bush took the stage, suggesting he "try not to say anything stupid."

Sources indicate that advice fell on deaf ears.

V.P. Cheney Literally Throws Mother Under Train

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an unprecedented expression of loyalty to the Republican Party, Vice President Dick Cheney threw his mother under a train today.

The incident occured at a fundraiser hosted by a political action commitee called "Billionaires For A Fatter 2%." PAC Chairman I. M. Rich offered Cheney and the Republican Party $1 million if Cheney would throw his mother under the 11:15 PM Acela Amtrak train to NYC.

"I'll take that offer!" Cheney immediately responded, instructing his driver to "fetch Mom" right away.

Thirty minutes later, at an impromptu ceremony at Union Station, Cheney threw his mother under the train. Cheney's mother was sanguine over the event when interviewed just before her death.

"Dick explained that this is necessary, for freedom - and so we don't have to fight the terrorists at home," she commented before being lifted in the air and tossed onto the tracks by the VP.

The funeral will be held at the Halliburton Cemetary that is under construction in downtown Washington. The VP's office refused to comment on reports that the $1 million will be mostly used to pay Halliburton for the funeral.

Bush Showers Blair With Golden Expletives

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia – U.S. President George W. Bush expressed his affection by using bawdy expletives and entendre in comments to British Prime Minister Tony Blair at the G8 summit in St. Petersburg Monday.

Not realizing his remarks were being picked up by a microphone at the summit of world leaders, Bush bluntly expressed his love and desire for Blair.

"See, what I really wanna do is, heh, locate your weapons of mass destruction. And then, heh, I'm gonna (expletive) you with my G8 in your (expletive)," Bush told Blair in a discussion before the Group of Eight leaders began their lunch.

Bush's remarks were picked up by the summit's closed-circuit television, which was filming the leaders sitting down to eat freshly slain protestors.

Normally, the terrifying images are transmitted with sound that does not allow reporters to pick out individual screams. But in this case a microphone picked up Bush's comments to Blair.

That microphone was placed there by amateur detective Melvin Melshowitz of Brooklyn, NY, who explained, "What's the big deal already? I got it out of a magazine from J and R!"

Blair's remarks were not as clearly heard due to the ancient brain scrambling amulet he carries at all times by sacred decree. But the Prime Minister appeared to be pressing Bush about the importance of getting his "international peacekeepers" into Blair's "region".

Fanta! Fanta! Everybody Fanta! Fanta!

SEATTLE, WA – FBI officials today revealed details of a major sting operation revolving around a Fanta Soda employee's efforts to sell the long coveted secret formula for Fanta Cherry.

Chief Investigator Pea Rhatton was effervescent over the bust. "We've been engaged in a clandestine operation with one Andrea Millis - until today in the Flava Development Dept. at Fanta. We posed as employees of Sprite Incorporated. Ms. Millis offered to 'switch to Sprite, cause it's got Lymon' if we paid 1 million dollars for the secret formula. We immediately contacted the actual corporations involved and they cooperated fully."

Co-workers were in a state of shock. "This is such a blow," explained chief bottling manager and self described "mood fluffer" Rich Harrison. "We're a family here. This is like taking a steel shank and plunging it into my anus, you know? Metaphorically."

And of course the question on everyone's lips had to be, "Where are The Fantanas Girls through all this?"

According to an anonymous Fanta executive, the girls were "Safe. They have been rushed to an undisclosed location. We've already lost our innocence here today. If we lost the girls too, well, I can't even think about that."

Both Mr. Pibb and Dr. Pepper refused to comment. Pepper is currently in his latest rehab stay while Pibb is leading an all soul review in Harlem.

Bush To Open Southfork Ranch to Drilling

SOUTH FORK RANCH, Dallas, Texas – In a move sure to anger locals and Ellie Mae Ewing alike, President Bush today signed legislation opening the South Fork Ranch to oil drilling.

With Ewing Oil CEO J.R. Ewing at his side, Bush said, "I've said it many times, greater exploration is the key to bringing down gas prices – right J.R.?"

Mr. Ewing grinned and told reporters, "That's right W. That's right."

Back at the ranch, Bobby Ewing held a press conference in his shower to proclaim that "J.R. has really done it this time. I mean what would Daddy say if he were here today?" Bobby abruptly left the press conference naked and drove to Knotts Landing in search of help from his idiot cousin Gary.

Meanwhile, rumors circulated of a planned hunting trip at South Fork with Vice President Dick Cheney this past May that sealed the deal. J.R. agreed the trip was a positive one: "That fella could shoot the hair off a tick - if you got the tick to just sit still long enough."

When asked by reporters if he checked with other members of the Ewing family before authorizing drilling, Bush said, "I called Patrick Ewing and he said he didn't care."

Sue Ellen Ewing was too drunk to comment.

God To Earth: "Get Over Yourself"

THE ARCTIC ZONE – God appeared today in a melting glacier to tell scientists and locals gathered there that, among other things, he's "had it."

"It was pretty unexpected," explained French global climate expert Jacques Jacquet. "One minute, we are watching the ice flow - and then, there he is. God. He looked pretty good - I am pretty sure he was French."

But shock turned to fear when God let loose a series of angry condemnations.

"He was pissed off! He kept talking about 'I'll show you a burning Bush,' and so on. Apparently he is very close with Santa Claus and likes to vacation up here. Except apparently, Mr. Claus now needs a submarine. He is not pleased about this."

Residents of Anchorage, Alaska are complaining that God has been creating lurid snow sculptures all over their region. Wilma St. Johns, a homemaker, said that God's actions "are sick and he needs to cut it out."

God apparently is indeed not happy and was described as "so nasty!" by local fisherman Sven Meddlonger. "I mean, how many thousand years and what does he tell us? 'Get over yourselves.' How is that enlightenment? Come to think of it, he looked a little like Al Gore back when he had that beard..."

The White House wasted no time in issuing a statement, with Bush saying in a press conference that the God seen in the Arctic was "...clearly some other God. Maybe Norse. They like it cold. Them Norses. Norses for courses they say. Like Thor. Probably Odin. Y'know, tryin to get in touch with Thor. Heh. Or maybe one o' them Gods that Tom Cruise is talkin about. Them imaginary alien Gods."

Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment due to a self-rightousness related injury.

Hasselhoff Hair Horror Has Him Hurried To Hospital

LONDON, England -- Former "Baywatch" star David Hasselhoff had surgery after his hair exploded in an accident in a London gym bathroom, his spokeswoman said Friday.

The 53-year-old actor, who played lifeguard Mitch Buchannon on the TV beach drama for 11 glorious years, was shaving his legs at a gym in the Sanderson Hotel on Thursday when his hair exploded, his publicist, Eva Katz, said.

Doctors operated to repair the injury and Hasselhoff spent one night at St. Thomas' Hospital in central London, Katz said.

"He's fine," Katz said by phone from New York. "We keep a stand-by head of hair in a lab in case of an emergency like this. He's out of the hospital and will resume filming tomorrow."

According to Katz, Hasselhoff is working on an ad for Knight Industries "Don't Mention The War" campaign promoting German tourism.

KITT was unavailable for comment.

Bush Recommends Supporters "Seek High Ground"

PASCAGOULA, Miss. – Republican supporters in Florida, Louisiana, and other Gulf Coast states were treated to an urgent pre-taped call from the President Saturday night. The call was made by an automated system out of Texas from noon until 9 PM.

"This is your President...", the message began. "As one of my strongest supporters, you have earned a special place in my heart. And you've earned a reward. And here it is - insider information. Top secret stuff - y'know, that only the deciders get to know. "

Bush then revealed the warning he had decided to share.

"There's a storm comin. A hurricane. Maybe a couple even. Apparently there's a 'season'. A storm season. And you need to know - it's started. SO, my advice - before the other folks find out - is to, um, seek the high ground. Get on up there. Seek it. Like the Scriptures say, 'seek and thout shall find," or somethin', and that's what I'm saying. Seek that high ground and you'll, you'll find it."

There was then a brief sound of clattering and barking - apparently Bush had called for one of the White House pets in the midst of the taping.

"Good dog! Good boy! Yes - who's a good first dog, huh? Who's the leader of the free, um, dog world?"

Bush then returned to the message: "In closing, should a hurricane occur, you know you can count on state and local officials. We've got a lot more body bags ready this time."

Dean Invites Clinton, Kerry, Gore to "Lock In"

WASHINGTON DC – A personal invitation has surfaced from Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean to Sen. Hilary Clinton, John Kerry and former Vice President Al Gore. The invitation asks the trio to join Dean for a "lock in meeting, to be held in a secret underground facility."

"You three are clearly the future of the Democratic party - and we must give the people what they want. Hence this lock-in. If I run a little late, please just go on down there and make yourselves comfortable. I'll be back in a couple of um, hours. And have some food, something to drink - there's enough stuff down there to last several years."

Reports suggest that all three leading Democratic candidates for the next Presidential election are attending the meeting. An unamed source within the Kerry camp elaborated: "John is still perplexed as to what happened in the last election and he feels that he deserves the nomination. So based on that all of us are encouraging him to go."

Meanwhile, a Gore spokesman said that the VP was already "sizing up historical beards in case it takes a while" and an equally anonymous Clinton source told AFG that "she'll be there. She assumes the purpose of this is to get the other guys under wraps - and no one here is saying otherwise."

Sanctimonious whiner Joe Leiberman was notably absent from the invitation. A Dean aide explained including him would be "cruel and inhumane" punishment of the others.

FBI To Al Qaeda: We Can Get It For You Wholesale

WASHINGTON DC – The FBI today posted a message on their website to Al Qaeda members, imploring them to contact the agency.

"Seriously, get in touch. We understand you have need of weapons, cameras for surveillance and ritual pledges - we can totally get that stuff for you wholesale."

The message went on to promise "insane rental rates on vans" and "safe, discreet service." It also offered a "shout-out to Brother Jordache!"

Bush Declares "Mission Accomplished" in the World Cup

NUREMBURG, Germany – President Bush greeted an overflow crowd in Germany today at the World Cup, where he delivered a message of assurance and confidence: "Mission Accomplished!"

Appearing before perplexed American fans, Bush announced: "Major soccer operations in Germany have ended. In the Battle of the World Cup, the United States and our allies have prevailed. And now our team is engaged in securing and reconstructing itself. "

As fans stared siliently, Bush proclaimed "Mission Accomplished!" He then turned to U.S. coach Bruce Arena and shouted: "Brucey, You're doing a heck of a job!"

When asked about his comments later by a reporter aboard Air Force One, Bush said "Look, our boys have obviously finished what it was they were doing there, so thats a mission accomplished. You see, when you 'accomplish' something that means its over."

When told by the reporter that the U.S. lost the match 2 to 1, Bush said, "that sounds like fuzzy math to me."

Illegal Immigrants To U.S.: "Let's Just Be Friends."

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX – Members of what is a growing majority of illegal immigrants gathered today to stage a demonstration at the city's INS offices. This new majority is one that does not desire citizenship - or even permanent residence.

"We're here to say, thanks, but no thanks." explained Raul Picante, who described himself as "just passing through."

"Enough is enough - everyone talking about whether we should stay or go, if we should get citizenship or not... I'll tell you what, don't worry about it. It's time we moved on. We can still talk and stuff."

The dissent was indicitive of a mood that is spreading throughout states heavily populated by illegal immigrants. U.S. Citizens on the scene engaged in a lively debate with the gathering. One such exchange between Texan George Davis and one Jesus DeJesus went like this:

Davis: Go back to Mexico!

DeJesus: Ok.

Davis: What?

DeJesus: I said ok.

Davis: I told you to leave!

DeJesus: And I am.

Davis: No, I mean...

DeJesus: I'm going to leave.

Davis: You can't stay!

DeJesus: I don't want to.

Davis: Grrrgggaaaggg (drools...)

What followed was a complete breakdown of comprehension as locals struggled to come to terms with the concept that anyone wouldn't want to live there.

Corpus Christi's Katie Swingington weighed in:

"Who do they think they are? What makes them think that they can come here and then leave? It's one thing when we want 'em to leave - and by God we do - but at the same time what the heck's so all-fire good about someplace like Mexico? Do they think that Chablis (sic) fella is gonna give 'em all free oil?"

"Rita", an illegal immigrant, disagreed: "Look, it's been fun, and sure, I've been the best you've ever had. We both know it. But you just couldn't commit. And now that I'm leaving, you're sad. But we can still be friends. And if sometime you want great sex, food that isn't bland or music that makes you want to stick a hot pepper up your ass and f*&k till dawn, now you can come visit me in Mexico instead. Just call ahead, Ok?"

When asked what Americans should do if they don't want to "live in filth", "Rita" added, "That's SO your problem now."

Davis, who spoke to us through an interpreter from Middle state North Carolina, was non-plussed: "What even gives these folks the right to speak out? Freedom. That's right. And when they're back down wherever they'll see what it's like to not have freedom. Let's see what they think when they are doing what Sadaam Ricardo tells them to do."

How To Assemble An Atomic Bomb

DUBLIN – Bono of the rock group U2 continued his efforts to build a coalition to help fight AIDS and other crises this week by again defending President George Bush from critics.

During an interview with respected punk magazine 'Up Your Blarney!', Bono held forth on Bush with nervous but seemingly immovable resolve.

"He's not that evil, really. When you look him in the eye, there's something there. Y'know, we're one, but we're not the same. Do you like these new shades?"

Bono has faced criticism for some of the positive language he's used to describe certain Republican figures such as Bush. Many feel his efforts to kow-tow to their egos has led him into dangerous territory as far as alleigences. Bono insists he'll work with anyone to save lives.

"Robert Johnson - he worked with the devil too. And that was the MAIN devil - Bush is at best a Beelzebub or Satanish level devil. And he has good qualities too. I know for a fact he hid a photo of he and Chris Martin in a drawer when I visited - that was considerate."

Interviewer Martin Trouble was unimpressed, smashing a beer glass over the musician's head while shouting expletives and various bizarre comments about footballer Wayne Rooney's role in the confrontation.

Yet Bono was completely unmoved by the ensuing melee, commenting that this was "all part of co-existence."

President Bush was quick to rally to the musician's aid, telling reporters Monday "I love that little fella - especially his cereal with them stars - Lucky Charms - makes me think of Texas - that's sugary stuff!"

Band member "The Edge," who spent most of the interview burying his head under a series of wooly caps - while sobbing mournfully - exited suddenly after 20 minutes, shouting "I'm so sick of it!" in a mantra like fashion. Bassist Adam Clayton meanwhile was inspired by the incident to take up a three day drinking and drug spree accompanied by a dozen fashion models flown in for the occasion. In reaction, Guiness futures soared worldwide.

Larry Mullen of the band was unavailable due to being "too f---ing kick ass to take part in any of this shite." According to reports Mullen also had a previous commitment - greasing motorbike chains.

Sam Jackson to Head Rainbow Coalition

CHICAGO – In a move many heralded as long overdue, actor Samuel L. Jackson was today named the new Chairman of the Rainbow Coalition, a movement that had it's greatest notoriety during the reign of the Reverend Jesse Jackson.

The Coalition's board cited Jackson's "ability to bring people together" and "superb communication skills" as the major factors in picking him for this leadership post.

"Am I gonna do a good job? F&*% yeah I am," said Jackson at his introductory press conference. "I'll get everyone together and say look, stop f*%@ing around. Its about the motherf*%@kin children and sh*t!"

Reporters questioned Jackson's qualifications and were quickly rebuked: "I'm qualified to put my mother*%@ing foot up your mother*%@ing ass!"

The Rev Jesse Jackson weighed in from a stop in Atlanta: "I will support Sam in the House. I will support Sam with a mouse. I do - I do like Sam."

Cue Radiohead Now!: Anderson Cooper's Quiet Situation of Sorrow

NEW ORLEANS, LA – Anderson Cooper, CNN host and mystery-sexual zillionaire heir, is said to speak openly of his "secret suffering" for the first time in the July issue of Bass Fisherman.

"This is him comin' out about one terrible day in 1998 - when he wore a black coat with an off-black pair of trousers," Chester A. Bosh, Bass Fisherman's senior flyfishing editor told AFG Tuesday. "This is a day of shame - deep black - and off-black - shame. He wanted to get it off his chest and when we bumped into each other out back of the bait shed by the Prada store at the Outlet Mall, well we just fixed to talkin."

The conversation - one Bosh describes as "ongoing" - will be serialized over the next three issues of Bass Fisherman, with Cooper taking over editing duties for the third September issue.

Bosh revealed that Cooper has enacted prophylactic measures to prevent such a color catastrophe from happening again. Cooper told Bosh that in the future, he will only wear blue jeans in settings that require a coat.

"I made a joke like, 'maybe you should wear Gloria Vanderbilt jeans' – but he didnt think that was funny," recalled Bosh.

Cooper, currently fishing for emotional moments in the deep water of New Orleans, refused to speak to AFG when we could not guarantee that a moody Radiohead track would be played in the background when this article was read online.

Cockfight: Feathers Fly Between NYC Students & City Hall

NEW YORK – Students here vowed on Wednesday they would restrict cockfighting competitions to recess as they battled a ban on cockfighting in schools.

Speaking at a city council hearing where council members introduced a bill aimed at overriding a ban on cockfighting enforced under Mayor Michael Bloomberg, students and their parents spoke out against the unusually stringent anti-cockfighting policy.

"I feel mature enough to be able to control my cock in class," said LaGuardia High School student James Dolby, 16. "This is about students' safety, because, especially in New York City, many students feel safer with their cocks in hand."

Dissent over the ban in New York escalated recently when Bloomberg introduced poultry scanners and random checks at some of the city's 1,408 public high schools. The new scanners used to protect the city's 1.1 million students had led to the confiscation of more than 3,000 roosters and 36 chicken-hawks.

Detroit and Philadelphia also bar cockfighting from schools while Los Angeles, Tallahassee, Walla Walla and Las Vegas allow them in schools, but take a percentage of all gambling.

During the hearing, Bloomberg's representatives said the policy dated back to a 1912 ban on "competitive fowl" and was needed to prevent students from using their cocks without cause or as weapons.

But city council members said crime and disruptive behavior would occur regardless of the ban. "We can agree this needs regulation - but that doesn't mean we take away their cocks. To say nothing of self defense - Do you want your child to be the only one without a cock?" asked council member Linda Zawaar.

Sandy, a mother of three, said her kids needed cockfightging so she could "make up for the lack of a man in the house, for the money - and eventually for the food. It's better than working at KFC."

"This is a big city, it's tough and a whole lot of things go on," said her son Maurice A.K.A. "Cock Masta Killa", 13. Asked if he had played with his cock during class, he answered: "Yes, but sometimes it's just cause it gets too excited."

Foghorn Leghorn was unavailavble for comment.

Bush's Father's Day Gift: WWIII

CRAWFORD, Texas – President Bush today called out sons everywhere by offering his father what is likely the biggest Father's Day gift ever - World War III.

"Plans are underway..." the President announced at a family gathering at the Crawford ranch. According to sources, Bush was positvely gleeful, pronouncing "I know that the Iraq war, well that was some gift. And then that other year we gave him Sadaam - straight outta a hole like a jackalope. It took me a while to figure out how to top it. But it turned out one thing led to another - this thing has a mind of it's own.

"Ya see, this gift of mine - it's like a Lionel train set. Once ya get the tracks and a locomotive - heh - darn if ya don't want all them other cars too. So my dad - he needs them other cars. And maybe some trees - some trees and a county store."

Bush Senior was described as overwhelmed by the gesture. When reached for comment tonight in Texas, the former President was clearly moved: "Not since, I dunno, Pharoah times or maybe one o them Hunns from back there when they had em over there - not since that has a pappa been so proud. Touched, really. I told him, please don't go to all the fuss. But you know George Jr, once he sets his mind to somethin theres no stoppin him."

One voice of discontent was allegedly Bush son and Florida Govenor Jeb. One ranch employee told AFG: "He's PISSED. All he would talk about was how George is just showing off and at this rate Jeb was gonna have to drain and drill the Everglades if he's ever gonna compete."

Bill Cosby was unavailable for comment.

Bush To Deaf Man: "Im Talkin' To You, Dumb Ass!"

WASHINGTON DC - The Rose Garden would have taken on a Marx Brothers air today if not for the ensuing tempest that ensued after the President mistook a deaf man's behavior for disrespect or indifference.

"Yeah, you. Hey, you! Yeah, you - you, dammit, you!" President Bush shouted as the press corps looked on shocked, the man oblivious all the while.

The man in question was Miami Patriot reporter Sam Koppler who is legally deaf. The incident began when the reporter - who was trying to get his closed caption tv screen to function - was asked by Bush what his problem was. The reporter ignored Bush for reasons that were clear to everyone - except the President who seemed to be annoyed with Koppler's preoccupation with the tv screen.

"Hey. Hey Buddy - I'm talkin to you dumb ass!" Bush shouted. "Y'know, if you're wantin' to watch the World Cup or whatever, well, I'm sure my friend Tony Blair, well, I'm sure he can help ya out. They like that stuff, you know, that stuff, over there in, um, Limey-land, heh heh - I mean England."

Ironically, the reporter's hearing was lost in a hunting accident with current Vice President Cheney in 1998. At the time, Cheney claimed he had instructed Koppler to "duck". Koppler stated that he thought Cheney was identifying a target.

White House Communications Director Nicolle Wallace issued an apology on behalf of the President, stating that he "regrets the incident" and that "if he'd known Koppler was deaf he would have yelled louder."

Church Tells America: Don't You Sass Me!

MACON, GA – The United Foundation Of Superior Christian Religions today issued a statement declaring that Americans are "nosy, with bad attitudes" and that we suffer from a "serious case of sass mouth." Americans also "don't need to know everything" and should accept that certain inconsistencies and unbelievable doctrines are true "Because!"

The statement came among a flurry of speculation that the church was simply fed up with debate and was not going to tell us again. The Reverand Clancy Davenport of Macon, GA read from the statement on the County Courthouse steps. His followers had erected a massive crucifix constructed entirely out of two giant Subway sandwiches, which were donated as part of a "Hot Cross Sandwich" promotion in conjunction with the fast food chain.

Davenport stood arm in arm with Subway spokeseater Jared Fogle, famous for shedding 245 pounds by gorging exclusively on the chain's sandwiches.

"I know a little bit about human suffering", Fogle told the crowd. "When I was really starving, just trying to get under 300 pounds, I often thought to myself 'now I know how Jesus felt.' That human suffering made me realise that if we just did what we were told - in my case eating only one type of food endlessly until I could parlay it into a parasitic job - we'd all be a lot happier. And thinner."

Each man then proudly selected a piece of sandwich and "ate of His sub."

"This is a great day", Davenport beamed. "I can't wait to get back to doing as I'm told and I hope you'll all do the same."

Bush Has Brain - Kind Of - Says Leading Scientist

TERRE HAUTE, Indiana – Scientists were stunned and stirred to reaction today by an announcement from the International Physics and Ultradimensional laboratory that claims to have proven the existence of George Bush's brain.

Lead scientist Vladmir Volstof addressed a small but vocal group of scientists this past Wednesday:

"Somewhere in the recesses of George Bush's skull, we are constantly told, lurks a mind. And what a mind it must be - if it exists. We set out to answer this question and our research has yielded extraordinary results. The 'brain' exists - and is essentially a multiple dimensional construct that exists in large part through the power of it's owner's belief in it's existence."

Citing many lauded scientist's work, most notably Stephen Hawkins and Roger Penrose's "The Nature of Space and Time," 'Vlad', as he is known in the futurist circle of scientist's to whom he is a guru and hero, laid out the results. It seems that Bush does indeed have something resembling a brain - but something that cannot exist without the almost Jamestownian belief it exists by a fanatical group of followers - and the man himself.

"In a black hole, you have an event horizon where the degeneration of a star has collapsed into a space of total mass and gravity. So is Bush's brain - it's degenerated so badly that it's collapsed. Now all facts are decimated, all information is crushed and rendered into pure energy - energy that helps perpetuate the existence of the 'brain'. Nothing of value can escape intact - or in a state we can yet comprehend."

Vlad then delivered the assertion that has led to a frenzied outcry among physists worldwide, that the President is a conduit for a mass hallucination called Bush's "brain":

"There is a dark matter at play - we call it Karl matter - that acts as an ultradimensional expansion rate. In other words this phenomina is a manifestation of mass delusion amongst the American people that is amplified by this Karl matter. Their unified belief that Bush has a brain, combined with Bush himself believing - makes this assertion real. Or at least real enough that it's extremely dangerous.'

The scientific community was quick to react. Many like Roberto St. Jacques of the Canadian Labbatts Scientific Center refused to accept the data: "I don't care what Vlad is telling us, I just cannot accept that something exists when there is no hard evidence that it actually does. We're scientists, not Harry Potter."

Others found some solace in the news:

"This makes sense to me - and it explains so much," Christopher Barrow of Science Tommorrow weighed in. "I think we've all been stumped as scientists to explain the persistent belief that Bush has a brain. This unified expansion theory not only explains the perpetuation of this belief, but also provides new understanding as to the very nature of such a construct. We may never see Bush's brain, and we may never have hard evidence that it exists. But by the reaction of those around it and it's negative effect upon the energy and mass that encounters it, we know it is a powerful - and highly destructive - force."

In an unexpected twist, Republicans found themselves at a loss for words, caught between arguing Bush's brain did not exist or that it was a figment of their own imagination.

Volstof's next project will focus on proving that Bush actually won his first Presidential election.