Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Crazy Rod! His Senate seat prices are INSANE!

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich also promises "Depression era prices" on such Illinois staples as The Getty Tomb, The Chicago Theatre and even Mike Dikta's belly, which the Gov. describes as "previously priceless!"

Sunday, October 12, 2008

McCain predicts "a nice long nap is rejuvenating" for nation's economy

Davenport, IA -  The AFG caught up with  Presidential candidate John McCain as he was  leaving his rally in Iowa this Saturday, where the Senator revealed a surprising new economic theory:

"My friends, there are a lot of different ways to look at things," the Senator held forth.  

"Like the economy for instance.  Whereas some see this as a recession or a slow down, I like to look at it as a nice long nap.  In that sense, it's rejuvenating. Refreshing even, especially if you have some Gold Bond medicated powder around.  

My friends, I'd choose that over actual gold bonds, by the way.  There's a tip for you.  Oh, and they even have it in cream form now, I was just informed.

And I'm sure that we'll see an upswing in sales of sleep aides - there's a growth business.  See, we're already on the road to recovery.  That's what I mean when I say sound fundamentals."

When questioned if he was saying negative growth in  the economy was a good thing, the Senator seemed annoyed.  "Look, I  know it always works wonders for me. I take several naps a day and you don't hear me complaining, do you?  I rest my case, my friends."

McCain childhood friend Rip Van Winkle was unavailable for comment.  

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

McCain to America: "I'll be right back."

NYC - Presidential candidate John McCain today surprised Americans when he hung a sign outside his office door, indicating that he would return at 10:10. Reporters for the AFG waited until 10:45 to no avail.

Campaign staffers eventually confirmed the Senator did not actually specify which day he would return.

One staffer suggested we "Check back next Friday maybe? What's not straight about that?"

Meanwhile, reports indicate that VP candidate Sarah Palin had begun erecting a mobile 12 foot wall to perpetually exist between she and the media.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Bush calls for Red Cross investigation

WASHINGTON DC - As the smoke clears in the wake of Hurricane Ike, the nation begins the hard work of repair and clean-up. Meanwhile, national officials are looking at the damage and what went right this time, as well as what might have gone wrong. But at the White House, where President Bush has long harbored resentment over the events of Hurricane Katrina, there is apparently a new theory that the President himself is pushing.

Officials are dismissive, refusing the AFG access. However, in a journalistic coup, the AFG reached the President today on the bathroom phone outside the Oval Office. The President proved animated and more than willing to discuss his theory - that the Red Cross was somehow involved in the stream of disasters befalling the US.

"I dunno," the President began, "it just seems weird to me. These guys are first on the scene every time. I have the full force of the United States and we can't pull that off. So somethin' smells funny. What's their angle? I dunno. I've gone over and over it and I can't figure out what they're gettin' out of it, but I will."

"And they're an international organization. What does that tell you? We all know that if you insist on gettin' everyone's opinions - and formin' what they call a 'consensus' - I didn't even know that word 'till recently either - well, you don't get things done. Someone has to decide."

The President had to hang up then as he was "..through peein and I'm not supposed to be talkin' bout this. Don't ya wish I had four more years to figure this stuff out?"

Tina Turner, who had fled to the West coast in anticipation of Hurricane Ike, was unavailable for comment. Steve and Jeff McDonald also refused comment.

Friday, August 29, 2008

McCain to America's women: "Vote for the ovaries!"

DAYTON, OH - Presidential Candidate John McCain stunned Americans today by announcing that he was choosing Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential Candidate.  

"My fellow Americans, America loves women," the Senator explained.  "They're a good bit of what I thought about when I was held captive all those years.  And I know you'll be just as captivated by my selection to lead this nation, in the extremely possible event I die a relatively timely death."

The Governor explained the reason for her selection.  "I'm just thrilled to have been qualified in the right way for this job.  Clearly, I'll have as much of a voice as Joe Biden will have with Barack Obama.  And by that I mean there is a chance that a man of John's age could lose the capacity to speak somehow."

"Isn't she just a pistol?" asked the Senator.  "Vote for the ovaries!" 

"I'll tell you my fellow Americans, I am just so impressed with the several hours I've spent with the Governor.  And with my schedule and frequent naps, a few hours is a major commitment.  So I know her as well as I know anyone, save perhaps those Godless bastards that held me captive all those years, providing me with horrific  memories.  Memories that no one dare bring up as a reason not to elect me to the most powerful job on earth."

Many were curious as to how the Senator made his decision. 
"It's true, my fellow Americans, that you have to really look far and wide to find a Republican and an American like this.  To find an American like this, my fellow Americans, you have to actually leave America for a while, and drive through Canada.  And then to a place that is pure white all year round - and where it's always a twilight of cotton candy.  
And let me tell you, my fellow Americans, this woman can hunt.  And I have seen her collection of pelts and animal skins and I can tell you that you haven't truly lived until you've seen this woman's beaver."

The Senator concluded the rally by making love to a Hilary Clinton mannequin behind a  sheer white curtain.

Tina Fey, who will surely play Governor Palin in a wacky sketch comedy, awards show or film that is slightly more high brow than this article in the not too distant future, was unavailable for comment to the AFG. 

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Large Growth Removed From Mole

WASHINGTON DC -   After last week's latest Senator McCain face growth activity, the mole in question has come forth to set the record straight. And according to the mole, he's the one that had the surgery.

When reached for comment, he expressed his relief.  

"Damn straight I had that thing removed.  You don't know what it's like, knowing everyone is looking at you and hyper aware of it.  Plus the noises it would make.  You never knew what kind of embarrassment it would bring."

Asked what's next, the mole revealed that he is now dating a fellow liberated mole, this one from Sex in The City star Sarah Jessica Parker, and that they plan to start a reality tv show together called "The Real Moles of Washington DC."

"She's not ready to face the public yet," the mole explained.  "She spent a lifetime drowning in thick make up - she's glad to be free at last.  But we'll be debuting on MTV in the fall."

Toad of Toad Hall and Ratty refused to comment on this story.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Clinton "Doctors" Puerto Rican voter turnout

PUERTO RICO - News broke today that Senator Hilary Clinton 
continues to fight for the Democratic nomination - seemingly by 
any means necessary.

First came the senator's "assasination gaffe", and now it seems 
that she has thrown her fate in the hands of a controversial figure -  
one Doctor Moreau - in order to increase Hilary friendly voter 
registration in Puerto Rico. 

And according to sources, the increase in voters could be 
"as much as 50%".

"It's true," confirmed one Edward Prendick, a former 
Clinton campaign worker at the Puerto Rican island 

"They are cross breading an entire voting block. Moreau is her 
secret weapon.  Animal rights activists drove him out of the States. 
It got so bad he couldn't cage a rat human hybrid creature without 
them reading him his rights!  So he found a new life - and new lives 
- in Puerto Rico.  He never dreamed his ship would come in, but now 
that the island figures in the election, the Hilary campaign is bank 
rolling his work.  Bear in mind, he's not even allowed to practice 
anywhere that isn't an island."
Clinton herself was quick to defend the initiative:
"Look, as I have proven so succinctly during this campaign, we are all beasts.  Who is to say what "human" is anyway?  Well, we've seen what happens when we don't let every vote be counted! And so I say we let these beastial freaks of science be HEARD! There is no pain, there is no law!  Kwaa!  Kwaa!"
The senator then produced a sample humanoid of
striking similarity to herself.  The creature said little,
except for incessant chanting of "Yes, she can! 
Yes she can!"  

A clattering of hooting, grunting and screams echoed 
into the Puerto Rican night as the musky smell of 
hybrid voters rose with the wind. 

"Aaaaooooorrrooeeeooorrrowwww!" screeched first time voter Wolfie (pictured).  "Vote Hilary!""

When reached by phone in his island laboratory and challenged by AFG as to the ethics of the initiative, Moreau struck back.

"Permit me, Mr. Reporter, to tell you something of the Devil as I've come to know him. I have seen the devil, in the polling numbers that senator Clinton has shown me, and I have chained him."  

According to Moreau, he had grander designs and "wanted to turn animals into humans and humans into gods. But it's instinct and reason, instinct and reason," the Doctor argued.  

"What's reason to a politician?"

Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean offered little more explanation or position, saying only that "To go on two legs is very hard. Perhaps four is better, anyway." 
In other related news, Ohio band Devo where allegedly offered the chance to perform at the rally, but refused citing the event as "too devo."  

Bill Clinton had the final word as of this posting, telling a group of frightened African American  children inside a a South Florida church that he could "..take back all that nice stuff I did for y'all when I was President if your parents don't vote for Hilary."  

He also added that his wife would "...prove that you can go out with a whimper - and still win!" 

The seriously fucking pissed off  ghost of Robert Kennedy was unavailable for comment. 

Reached for comment somewhere made somehow less safe by Senator Clinton, Senator Obama would only comment that "I hope, or I could not live...". 

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Easter Bunny Reacts To Huckabee Attack

Boca Raton, Florida -- On the eve of the Florida Primaries, The Easter Bunny today struck back at Governor Mike Huckabee, calling him a "Jesus freak and a freak for Jesus", as well as "totally out of touch with today's modern Easterian."

The comments came in the wake of Huckabee's statement at the Florida Republican Debate Thursday night that contested Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq were ..."like easter eggs. Just because you don't find every egg, doesn't mean that it wasn't planted."

The Rabbit, describing himself as the "living embodiment of Easter", explained that Huckabee's comments were a thinly veiled attack upon what he called "the real modern Easter."  He added that he was "as hard as I need to be to have reached this level and to have maintained for so long.  All the while, I've been about something positive in the Easter community."

"Meanwhile, Mike, if that is his real name, is always pushing the revisionist Jesus agenda - I've been under attack by them since the beginning, but clearly this guy wants to kick up an unprecedented wave of rabbit phobia and fur bating. I've already been getting reports of chocolate bunnies with their heads bitten off, urine stained Easter grass - I'm calling on America to stop this - before things get out of hand."

Citing Malcom X and Bruce Lee as "fellow misunderstood visionaries", the rabbit seemed annoyed that he was stuck in Florida because of the attack.

"It's mating season ladies!
This time of year I'm usually with some cotton tails in a triplex stop. Then I heard word through the warren about what was going down, so I hopped my ass on a train down here."

We asked the rabbit about his chain-smoking and fidgety behavior.

"It's the malady of the modern easter bunny. Why do you think he's putting the image of egg bombs in everyone's heads?  We've messed up the status quo and they want it back. It's about the economy - money that could be going to the church is coming our way instead."

When reached by holy vision, Huckabee laughed, refusing to comment, saying only "Shucks, we all know there aint no Easter Bunny..."

Oddly, the Governor was seen leaving shortly afterwards in full hunting gear, instructing the press corps assembled there to "gear up for some tasty wabbit stew. It's wabbit untin' season..."

Reached for comment while in Las Vegas, a surly Bugs Bunny lashed out."  One, there's a frickin' writer's strike on so I aint sayin' shit 'bout nothin'.  And two, I don't need a two cause I'm Bugs Frickin' Bunny! Now get out of here - before I show you what it's like!"