Saturday, October 28, 2006

Dick Clark Cadaver to Host New Year's Rockin Eve

NEW YORK CITY - The Cryogenic Foundation today announced another triumph in it's ongoing efforts to preserve the minds and bodies of some of America's most beloved figures.

With funding from Disney's ABC subsidiary, the Foundation has succesfully implanted Dick Clark's cadaver with full animatronic capability. "America and the world will continue to enjoy Dick Clark's talents on New Year's Eve," said Henry Gale, head scientist at the Foundation.

Clark apparently died earlier this year, but Disney kept his death hidden from the public until this week. With this successful animotronic cadaver, ABC will announce Clark's death in advance of the cadaver's appearance in this year's "Rockin Eve."

"We think it will be a great show," said Phil Rosentein, Rockin Eve's producer. "No other New Year's Eve show will be hosted by an animatronic corpse. It's truly historical."

Unfortunately, the Cryogenic Foundation was not able to replicate its success on Walt Disney's corpse, which has been housed there since he died in 1966. "We tried, but his left arm, both ears, and nose fell off," explained Gale. "Even in a super-cooled environment, his body did deteriorate over the years."

Michael Jackson's former lips were unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Bush Assembles Unprecedented Coalition Of The Unwilling

WASHINGTON – President George Bush today revealed at a press conference that his administration had succeeded where no other had - in uniting the world.

"Today we can tell the world that we hear you. We hear your cries and searing, um, resentment. We feel your united sense of purpose - and we take pride in the knowledge that it was our plan – or lack thereof - that made this possible."

Vice President Cheney confirmed that the facts back up Bush. According to the VP, the current data indicates that the entire world outside the U.S. has found unity and common ground against American policy.

"It's very straightforward you fucking dumb-ass," explained Cheney. "For the first time we see polls indicating that the rest of the world feels in-step on key issues. If that's so hard to understand why don't you go fuck yourself? What the fuck is the 'AFG' anyway?"

Bush explained it was a strong redemption for his Presidency. "The whole wide world - you get the feelin' they're havin' a party out there. I told y'all I was a uniter."

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Republicans Clone "White Obama" for '08

WASHINGTON – In the halls of power of Washington, there are few secrets that remain that way forever. Today there is growing talk of just such a secret - and the repurcussions on the political landscape stand to be epochal. More and more sources are coming forward and telling the tale of the "White Obama clone."

This clone is apparently the candidate the GOP is hanging it's hopes on for the 2008 Presidential race. A superhuman demographical jigsaw man made to order.

"Oh, it's definetely happening," one insider informed AFG. "Karl Rove and his henchman extracted a DNA sample from Obama at a fundraiser and have been working in an underground facility to create a white version of the Senator using an advanced form of cloning, surrogate mothering and dark occult practices."

One scientist who left the program over "deep ethical concerns" explained how the process works: "They took a DNA percentage of various people - they have Reagan's hair, John McCain's war wounds, Barry Goldwater's 'gut,' Dick Cheney's manners - it's a genetic soup really."

But it was apparently California Governor Arnold Schwarzeneger's DNA that made up a good amount of the final formula. According to sources, the party is thrilled with the prospect of having "a version of the Arnold that thinks exactly like us at last."

Reports also indicate DNA from Richard Nixon's toe was included so that "we wouldn't have Nixon to kick around anymore..."

The anonymous scientist also unloaded one last bombshell - Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter Mary Cheney carried the child to term. "She took one for the team. I think she sees it as a way to put the past behind her and start fresh. It's also possible they are drugging her. Either way, it worked out."

In March, a suspicious character – who looked much like Obama – was seen milling about a White House reception until approached by Rove who escorted him out of the room. One attendee overheard Rove say, "you have to stay in the basement" and "yes, we will bring you more jellybeans" to the Obama look-alike.

As to how a child born just a few years ago will be old enough to run for President in '08 – apparently the GOP has that covered. One source who had been approached in assisting is Damien Hellstrom of Salem, MA. According to Hellstrom, a self described "life-long agent of Satan and his works," Karl Rove approached him about assisting in an ancient ritual that can make a child age to full maturity in mere hours.

"Yes, the one you call 'Rove' came to me. He sought my unholy aid to create this Demonobama. I explained that I could not partcipate in this act."

Hellstrom told us he turned down Rove because 'THAT guy is just plain evil."

Dr. Strange was occupied gazing into The Eye Of Agamato and was unavailable for comment.


Monday, October 16, 2006

"Assman" Revealed! Holy Joementum!

HARTFORD – The Superhero known as "Assman" to the citizens of this Connecticut capital city revealed himself today to a large crowd of unsuspecting citizens, who quickly beat him senseless.

The formerly masked crusader has terrorized the state of Connecticut since the summer with asinine, illogical comments.

Assman burst on to the scene in August, when his sidekick Joementum lost a contest fair and square in the Nutmeg State. Joementum picked up his JoePhone and called Assman for help. "Help Assman! I need you!"

Assman's response was swift. "DO NOT FEAR: ASSMAN IS HERE!" he bellowed to the citizens of Connecicut as he stepped off a MetroNorth train in Stamford. "My three clients in Brooklyn won't miss me," Assman declared. "Plus, two of them don't pay me anyway."

Assman had a plan for Joementum as soon as he stepped off the train: "Let's cheat!"

A key part of Assman's plan was a "Reeducation Initiative."

"CITIZENS OF CONNECTICUT: THE SUN SETS IN THE EAST!" Assman shouted across the state in early September. "If you think otherwise then you are with the terrorists."


Bill Johnson, a lumber yard foreman in Danbury, commented at the time: "What the f*ck is this assh*le talking about? If I ever see that son of a b*tch I will break him in half."

Johnson and others got their chance to beat Assman into a bloody pulp when he made an appearance in downtown Hartford this morning. Outfitted in a trendy trenchcoat, Assman pulled off his mask to reveal himself to the gathering crowd.

"Kill him!" was heard from the crowd as it moved on Assman. Several minutes into the brutal attack, Assman escaped into a nearby alley.

"This just proves my point," Assman explained. "People are getting my message of unity and purpose."

Friday, October 13, 2006

Fear, Heartbreak and Dissolutionment New National Pastimes

EUGENE, OR - A report issued today by the National Institute of Analysis revealed that more Americans are making time to lose hope.

Institute President Bob Toast explained: "What we're seeing here is that Americans, in general, are showing a remarkable shift in their leisure time. Whereas before pastimes like baseball, music, love, football and sex seemed important, now they are more devoted to hobbies like fear, heartbreak and dissolutionment."

According to statistics shown to AFG, many Americans site "that fucking asshole in the White House" as a large influence, while "the seering misery of human existence in the 21st century" also scored big points. When asked what remaining hopes they did have, Americans responded most enthusiastically for "meaningless sex and a quick and flamboyant death."

White House Homeland Security Director Frances Fragos Townsend described the finding as "welcome news." Fragos explained that "unless we are stricken with fear and loathing, we as a country will never be prepared for the terrorists' next move. That's why we must not cut and run in Iraq."

In related news, musician Bobby McFerrin has re-recorded his hit "Don't Worry, Be Happy" with new lyrics and the title "Better Give Up, Life's Crappy":
Here is a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it mope for mope
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
In every life we think we shed trouble
Well I'm here to break your bubble
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy...

Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
The land lord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
Look at me I feel like shit
Its time to call out my own hit
Here I give you my address
Tell the assasin to make me worry less
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy

Monday, October 09, 2006

Dan Smith Revamps Lesson Plan

"I'll Teach You to Rock Without the Blues"

NEW YORK CITY – Dan Smith's efforts to teach rock & blues guitar to New York City's beginner and advanced musicians has long been heralded as a New York City treasure. Often credited as the most influential preservationist of traditional American rock & blues guitar, Dan Smith is about to finger another instrumental fretboard. In an exclusive AFG interview, Dan Smith unveiled his new lesson plan aimed at America's sexual fulfillment.

"I dedicated my life to preserving the sounds and styles of rock & blues guitar, sure, so America is once again dominant in that realm, but what about her sexual fulfillment? I decided that succeeding one mission, saving rock & blues guitar, does not give me a free pass on starting another: teaching you how to orgasm," said a notably enthused Smith.

With ink barely dry from another stop at Kinko's, Dan Smith is already posting his trademark flyers all over New York City. "Look for them basically anywhere: streetlights, mailboxes, coffee shops; pretty much anywhere paper sticks to things."

The news of Dan Smith's new lesson plan are already generating quite a buzz around this city. Noted rock & blues guitarist and Dan Smith protege, Mark Tremonti of the hit Christian Rock Band Creed, is reported to be number two on the waiting list for Smith's newest class.

"Just because I am a Christian does not mean I do not deserve to drink from the blessed cup of sexual fulfillment, a gift I believe God left for a man and a woman - and Dan Smith," said Tremonti. He impatiently awaits his first lesson, to be scheduled within a week, having already purchased the required supplies for a successful session.

"I'm supposed to get a couple of candles, a bottle of wine, something sweet and white, my favorite guitar pick, and a Luther Vandross CD, anything recorded when he was fat, for some reason," reports Tremonti, holding up every item eagerly. "Oh, and a picture of Mr. Clean."