Wednesday, September 24, 2008

McCain to America: "I'll be right back."

NYC - Presidential candidate John McCain today surprised Americans when he hung a sign outside his office door, indicating that he would return at 10:10. Reporters for the AFG waited until 10:45 to no avail.

Campaign staffers eventually confirmed the Senator did not actually specify which day he would return.

One staffer suggested we "Check back next Friday maybe? What's not straight about that?"

Meanwhile, reports indicate that VP candidate Sarah Palin had begun erecting a mobile 12 foot wall to perpetually exist between she and the media.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Bush calls for Red Cross investigation

WASHINGTON DC - As the smoke clears in the wake of Hurricane Ike, the nation begins the hard work of repair and clean-up. Meanwhile, national officials are looking at the damage and what went right this time, as well as what might have gone wrong. But at the White House, where President Bush has long harbored resentment over the events of Hurricane Katrina, there is apparently a new theory that the President himself is pushing.

Officials are dismissive, refusing the AFG access. However, in a journalistic coup, the AFG reached the President today on the bathroom phone outside the Oval Office. The President proved animated and more than willing to discuss his theory - that the Red Cross was somehow involved in the stream of disasters befalling the US.

"I dunno," the President began, "it just seems weird to me. These guys are first on the scene every time. I have the full force of the United States and we can't pull that off. So somethin' smells funny. What's their angle? I dunno. I've gone over and over it and I can't figure out what they're gettin' out of it, but I will."

"And they're an international organization. What does that tell you? We all know that if you insist on gettin' everyone's opinions - and formin' what they call a 'consensus' - I didn't even know that word 'till recently either - well, you don't get things done. Someone has to decide."

The President had to hang up then as he was "..through peein and I'm not supposed to be talkin' bout this. Don't ya wish I had four more years to figure this stuff out?"

Tina Turner, who had fled to the West coast in anticipation of Hurricane Ike, was unavailable for comment. Steve and Jeff McDonald also refused comment.