Sunday, June 25, 2006

Bush Recommends Supporters "Seek High Ground"

PASCAGOULA, Miss. – Republican supporters in Florida, Louisiana, and other Gulf Coast states were treated to an urgent pre-taped call from the President Saturday night. The call was made by an automated system out of Texas from noon until 9 PM.

"This is your President...", the message began. "As one of my strongest supporters, you have earned a special place in my heart. And you've earned a reward. And here it is - insider information. Top secret stuff - y'know, that only the deciders get to know. "

Bush then revealed the warning he had decided to share.

"There's a storm comin. A hurricane. Maybe a couple even. Apparently there's a 'season'. A storm season. And you need to know - it's started. SO, my advice - before the other folks find out - is to, um, seek the high ground. Get on up there. Seek it. Like the Scriptures say, 'seek and thout shall find," or somethin', and that's what I'm saying. Seek that high ground and you'll, you'll find it."

There was then a brief sound of clattering and barking - apparently Bush had called for one of the White House pets in the midst of the taping.

"Good dog! Good boy! Yes - who's a good first dog, huh? Who's the leader of the free, um, dog world?"

Bush then returned to the message: "In closing, should a hurricane occur, you know you can count on state and local officials. We've got a lot more body bags ready this time."

Dean Invites Clinton, Kerry, Gore to "Lock In"

WASHINGTON DC – A personal invitation has surfaced from Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean to Sen. Hilary Clinton, John Kerry and former Vice President Al Gore. The invitation asks the trio to join Dean for a "lock in meeting, to be held in a secret underground facility."

"You three are clearly the future of the Democratic party - and we must give the people what they want. Hence this lock-in. If I run a little late, please just go on down there and make yourselves comfortable. I'll be back in a couple of um, hours. And have some food, something to drink - there's enough stuff down there to last several years."

Reports suggest that all three leading Democratic candidates for the next Presidential election are attending the meeting. An unamed source within the Kerry camp elaborated: "John is still perplexed as to what happened in the last election and he feels that he deserves the nomination. So based on that all of us are encouraging him to go."

Meanwhile, a Gore spokesman said that the VP was already "sizing up historical beards in case it takes a while" and an equally anonymous Clinton source told AFG that "she'll be there. She assumes the purpose of this is to get the other guys under wraps - and no one here is saying otherwise."

Sanctimonious whiner Joe Leiberman was notably absent from the invitation. A Dean aide explained including him would be "cruel and inhumane" punishment of the others.

Friday, June 23, 2006

FBI To Al Qaeda: We Can Get It For You Wholesale

WASHINGTON DC – The FBI today posted a message on their website to Al Qaeda members, imploring them to contact the agency.

"Seriously, get in touch. We understand you have need of weapons, cameras for surveillance and ritual pledges - we can totally get that stuff for you wholesale."

The message went on to promise "insane rental rates on vans" and "safe, discreet service." It also offered a "shout-out to Brother Jordache!"

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Bush Declares "Mission Accomplished" in the World Cup

NUREMBURG, Germany – President Bush greeted an overflow crowd in Germany today at the World Cup, where he delivered a message of assurance and confidence: "Mission Accomplished!"

Appearing before perplexed American fans, Bush announced: "Major soccer operations in Germany have ended. In the Battle of the World Cup, the United States and our allies have prevailed. And now our team is engaged in securing and reconstructing itself. "

As fans stared siliently, Bush proclaimed "Mission Accomplished!" He then turned to U.S. coach Bruce Arena and shouted: "Brucey, You're doing a heck of a job!"

When asked about his comments later by a reporter aboard Air Force One, Bush said "Look, our boys have obviously finished what it was they were doing there, so thats a mission accomplished. You see, when you 'accomplish' something that means its over."

When told by the reporter that the U.S. lost the match 2 to 1, Bush said, "that sounds like fuzzy math to me."

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Illegal Immigrants To U.S.: "Let's Just Be Friends."

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX – Members of what is a growing majority of illegal immigrants gathered today to stage a demonstration at the city's INS offices. This new majority is one that does not desire citizenship - or even permanent residence.

"We're here to say, thanks, but no thanks." explained Raul Picante, who described himself as "just passing through."

"Enough is enough - everyone talking about whether we should stay or go, if we should get citizenship or not... I'll tell you what, don't worry about it. It's time we moved on. We can still talk and stuff."

The dissent was indicitive of a mood that is spreading throughout states heavily populated by illegal immigrants. U.S. Citizens on the scene engaged in a lively debate with the gathering. One such exchange between Texan George Davis and one Jesus DeJesus went like this:
Davis: Go back to Mexico!

DeJesus: Ok.

Davis: What?

DeJesus: I said ok.

Davis: I told you to leave!

DeJesus: And I am.

Davis: No, I mean...

DeJesus: I'm going to leave.

Davis: You can't stay!

DeJesus: I don't want to.

Davis: Grrrgggaaaggg (drools...)
What followed was a complete breakdown of comprehension as locals struggled to come to terms with the concept that anyone wouldn't want to live there.

Corpus Christi's Katie Swingington weighed in:

"Who do they think they are? What makes them think that they can come here and then leave? It's one thing when we want 'em to leave - and by God we do - but at the same time what the heck's so all-fire good about someplace like Mexico? Do they think that Chablis (sic) fella is gonna give 'em all free oil?"

"Rita", an illegal immigrant, disagreed: "Look, it's been fun, and sure, I've been the best you've ever had. We both know it. But you just couldn't commit. And now that I'm leaving, you're sad. But we can still be friends. And if sometime you want great sex, food that isn't bland or music that makes you want to stick a hot pepper up your ass and f*&k till dawn, now you can come visit me in Mexico instead. Just call ahead, Ok?"

When asked what Americans should do if they don't want to "live in filth", "Rita" added, "That's SO your problem now."

Davis, who spoke to us through an interpreter from Middle state North Carolina, was non-plussed: "What even gives these folks the right to speak out? Freedom. That's right. And when they're back down wherever they'll see what it's like to not have freedom. Let's see what they think when they are doing what Sadaam Ricardo tells them to do."

How To Assemble An Atomic Bomb

DUBLIN – Bono of the rock group U2 continued his efforts to build a coalition to help fight AIDS and other crises this week by again defending President George Bush from critics.

During an interview with respected punk magazine 'Up Your Blarney!', Bono held forth on Bush with nervous but seemingly immovable resolve.

"He's not that evil, really. When you look him in the eye, there's something there. Y'know, we're one, but we're not the same. Do you like these new shades?"

Bono has faced criticism for some of the positive language he's used to describe certain Republican figures such as Bush. Many feel his efforts to kow-tow to their egos has led him into dangerous territory as far as alleigences. Bono insists he'll work with anyone to save lives.

"Robert Johnson - he worked with the devil too. And that was the MAIN devil - Bush is at best a Beelzebub or Satanish level devil. And he has good qualities too. I know for a fact he hid a photo of he and Chris Martin in a drawer when I visited - that was considerate."

Interviewer Martin Trouble was unimpressed, smashing a beer glass over the musician's head while shouting expletives and various bizarre comments about footballer Wayne Rooney's role in the confrontation.

Yet Bono was completely unmoved by the ensuing melee, commenting that this was "all part of co-existence."

President Bush was quick to rally to the musician's aid, telling reporters Monday "I love that little fella - especially his cereal with them stars - Lucky Charms - makes me think of Texas - that's sugary stuff!"

Band member "The Edge," who spent most of the interview burying his head under a series of wooly caps - while sobbing mournfully - exited suddenly after 20 minutes, shouting "I'm so sick of it!" in a mantra like fashion. Bassist Adam Clayton meanwhile was inspired by the incident to take up a three day drinking and drug spree accompanied by a dozen fashion models flown in for the occasion. In reaction, Guiness futures soared worldwide.

Larry Mullen of the band was unavailable due to being "too f---ing kick ass to take part in any of this shite." According to reports Mullen also had a previous commitment - greasing motorbike chains.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Sam Jackson to Head Rainbow Coalition

CHICAGO – In a move many heralded as long overdue, actor Samuel L. Jackson was today named the new Chairman of the Rainbow Coalition, a movement that had it's greatest notoriety during the reign of the Reverend Jesse Jackson.

The Coalition's board cited Jackson's "ability to bring people together" and "superb communication skills" as the major factors in picking him for this leadership post.

"Am I gonna do a good job? F&*% yeah I am," said Jackson at his introductory press conference. "I'll get everyone together and say look, stop f*%@ing around. Its about the motherf*%@kin children and sh*t!"

Reporters questioned Jackson's qualifications and were quickly rebuked: "I'm qualified to put my mother*%@ing foot up your mother*%@ing ass!"

The Rev Jesse Jackson weighed in from a stop in Atlanta: "I will support Sam in the House. I will support Sam with a mouse. I do - I do like Sam."

Cue Radiohead Now!: Anderson Cooper's Quiet Situation of Sorrow

NEW ORLEANS, LA – Anderson Cooper, CNN host and mystery-sexual zillionaire heir, is said to speak openly of his "secret suffering" for the first time in the July issue of Bass Fisherman.

"This is him comin' out about one terrible day in 1998 - when he wore a black coat with an off-black pair of trousers," Chester A. Bosh, Bass Fisherman's senior flyfishing editor told AFG Tuesday. "This is a day of shame - deep black - and off-black - shame. He wanted to get it off his chest and when we bumped into each other out back of the bait shed by the Prada store at the Outlet Mall, well we just fixed to talkin."

The conversation - one Bosh describes as "ongoing" - will be serialized over the next three issues of Bass Fisherman, with Cooper taking over editing duties for the third September issue.

Bosh revealed that Cooper has enacted prophylactic measures to prevent such a color catastrophe from happening again. Cooper told Bosh that in the future, he will only wear blue jeans in settings that require a coat.

"I made a joke like, 'maybe you should wear Gloria Vanderbilt jeans' – but he didnt think that was funny," recalled Bosh.

Cooper, currently fishing for emotional moments in the deep water of New Orleans, refused to speak to AFG when we could not guarantee that a moody Radiohead track would be played in the background when this article was read online.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Cockfight: Feathers Fly Between NYC Students & City Hall

NEW YORK – Students here vowed on Wednesday they would restrict cockfighting competitions to recess as they battled a ban on cockfighting in schools.

Speaking at a city council hearing where council members introduced a bill aimed at overriding a ban on cockfighting enforced under Mayor Michael Bloomberg, students and their parents spoke out against the unusually stringent anti-cockfighting policy.

"I feel mature enough to be able to control my cock in class," said LaGuardia High School student James Dolby, 16. "This is about students' safety, because, especially in New York City, many students feel safer with their cocks in hand."

Dissent over the ban in New York escalated recently when Bloomberg introduced poultry scanners and random checks at some of the city's 1,408 public high schools. The new scanners used to protect the city's 1.1 million students had led to the confiscation of more than 3,000 roosters and 36 chicken-hawks.

Detroit and Philadelphia also bar cockfighting from schools while Los Angeles, Tallahassee, Walla Walla and Las Vegas allow them in schools, but take a percentage of all gambling.

During the hearing, Bloomberg's representatives said the policy dated back to a 1912 ban on "competitive fowl" and was needed to prevent students from using their cocks without cause or as weapons.

But city council members said crime and disruptive behavior would occur regardless of the ban. "We can agree this needs regulation - but that doesn't mean we take away their cocks. To say nothing of self defense - Do you want your child to be the only one without a cock?" asked council member Linda Zawaar.

Sandy, a mother of three, said her kids needed cockfightging so she could "make up for the lack of a man in the house, for the money - and eventually for the food. It's better than working at KFC."

"This is a big city, it's tough and a whole lot of things go on," said her son Maurice A.K.A. "Cock Masta Killa", 13. Asked if he had played with his cock during class, he answered: "Yes, but sometimes it's just cause it gets too excited."

Foghorn Leghorn was unavailavble for comment.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Bush's Father's Day Gift: WWIII

CRAWFORD, Texas – President Bush today called out sons everywhere by offering his father what is likely the biggest Father's Day gift ever - World War III.

"Plans are underway..." the President announced at a family gathering at the Crawford ranch. According to sources, Bush was positvely gleeful, pronouncing "I know that the Iraq war, well that was some gift. And then that other year we gave him Sadaam - straight outta a hole like a jackalope. It took me a while to figure out how to top it. But it turned out one thing led to another - this thing has a mind of it's own.

"Ya see, this gift of mine - it's like a Lionel train set. Once ya get the tracks and a locomotive - heh - darn if ya don't want all them other cars too. So my dad - he needs them other cars. And maybe some trees - some trees and a county store."

Bush Senior was described as overwhelmed by the gesture. When reached for comment tonight in Texas, the former President was clearly moved: "Not since, I dunno, Pharoah times or maybe one o them Hunns from back there when they had em over there - not since that has a pappa been so proud. Touched, really. I told him, please don't go to all the fuss. But you know George Jr, once he sets his mind to somethin theres no stoppin him."

One voice of discontent was allegedly Bush son and Florida Govenor Jeb. One ranch employee told AFG: "He's PISSED. All he would talk about was how George is just showing off and at this rate Jeb was gonna have to drain and drill the Everglades if he's ever gonna compete."

Bill Cosby was unavailable for comment.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Bush To Deaf Man: "Im Talkin' To You, Dumb Ass!"

WASHINGTON DC - The Rose Garden would have taken on a Marx Brothers air today if not for the ensuing tempest that ensued after the President mistook a deaf man's behavior for disrespect or indifference.

"Yeah, you. Hey, you! Yeah, you - you, dammit, you!" President Bush shouted as the press corps looked on shocked, the man oblivious all the while.

The man in question was Miami Patriot reporter Sam Koppler who is legally deaf. The incident began when the reporter - who was trying to get his closed caption tv screen to function - was asked by Bush what his problem was. The reporter ignored Bush for reasons that were clear to everyone - except the President who seemed to be annoyed with Koppler's preoccupation with the tv screen.

"Hey. Hey Buddy - I'm talkin to you dumb ass!" Bush shouted. "Y'know, if you're wantin' to watch the World Cup or whatever, well, I'm sure my friend Tony Blair, well, I'm sure he can help ya out. They like that stuff, you know, that stuff, over there in, um, Limey-land, heh heh - I mean England."

Ironically, the reporter's hearing was lost in a hunting accident with current Vice President Cheney in 1998. At the time, Cheney claimed he had instructed Koppler to "duck". Koppler stated that he thought Cheney was identifying a target.

White House Communications Director Nicolle Wallace issued an apology on behalf of the President, stating that he "regrets the incident" and that "if he'd known Koppler was deaf he would have yelled louder."

Church Tells America: Don't You Sass Me!

MACON, GA – The United Foundation Of Superior Christian Religions today issued a statement declaring that Americans are "nosy, with bad attitudes" and that we suffer from a "serious case of sass mouth." Americans also "don't need to know everything" and should accept that certain inconsistencies and unbelievable doctrines are true "Because!"

The statement came among a flurry of speculation that the church was simply fed up with debate and was not going to tell us again. The Reverand Clancy Davenport of Macon, GA read from the statement on the County Courthouse steps. His followers had erected a massive crucifix constructed entirely out of two giant Subway sandwiches, which were donated as part of a "Hot Cross Sandwich" promotion in conjunction with the fast food chain.

Davenport stood arm in arm with Subway spokeseater Jared Fogle, famous for shedding 245 pounds by gorging exclusively on the chain's sandwiches.

"I know a little bit about human suffering", Fogle told the crowd. "When I was really starving, just trying to get under 300 pounds, I often thought to myself 'now I know how Jesus felt.' That human suffering made me realise that if we just did what we were told - in my case eating only one type of food endlessly until I could parlay it into a parasitic job - we'd all be a lot happier. And thinner."

Each man then proudly selected a piece of sandwich and "ate of His sub."

"This is a great day", Davenport beamed. "I can't wait to get back to doing as I'm told and I hope you'll all do the same."

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Bush Has Brain - Kind Of - Says Leading Scientist

TERRE HAUTE, Indiana – Scientists were stunned and stirred to reaction today by an announcement from the International Physics and Ultradimensional laboratory that claims to have proven the existence of George Bush's brain.

Lead scientist Vladmir Volstof addressed a small but vocal group of scientists this past Wednesday:

"Somewhere in the recesses of George Bush's skull, we are constantly told, lurks a mind. And what a mind it must be - if it exists. We set out to answer this question and our research has yielded extraordinary results. The 'brain' exists - and is essentially a multiple dimensional construct that exists in large part through the power of it's owner's belief in it's existence."

Citing many lauded scientist's work, most notably Stephen Hawkins and Roger Penrose's "The Nature of Space and Time," 'Vlad', as he is known in the futurist circle of scientist's to whom he is a guru and hero, laid out the results. It seems that Bush does indeed have something resembling a brain - but something that cannot exist without the almost Jamestownian belief it exists by a fanatical group of followers - and the man himself.

"In a black hole, you have an event horizon where the degeneration of a star has collapsed into a space of total mass and gravity. So is Bush's brain - it's degenerated so badly that it's collapsed. Now all facts are decimated, all information is crushed and rendered into pure energy - energy that helps perpetuate the existence of the 'brain'. Nothing of value can escape intact - or in a state we can yet comprehend."

Vlad then delivered the assertion that has led to a frenzied outcry among physists worldwide, that the President is a conduit for a mass hallucination called Bush's "brain":

"There is a dark matter at play - we call it Karl matter - that acts as an ultradimensional expansion rate. In other words this phenomina is a manifestation of mass delusion amongst the American people that is amplified by this Karl matter. Their unified belief that Bush has a brain, combined with Bush himself believing - makes this assertion real. Or at least real enough that it's extremely dangerous.'

The scientific community was quick to react. Many like Roberto St. Jacques of the Canadian Labbatts Scientific Center refused to accept the data: "I don't care what Vlad is telling us, I just cannot accept that something exists when there is no hard evidence that it actually does. We're scientists, not Harry Potter."

Others found some solace in the news:

"This makes sense to me - and it explains so much," Christopher Barrow of Science Tommorrow weighed in. "I think we've all been stumped as scientists to explain the persistent belief that Bush has a brain. This unified expansion theory not only explains the perpetuation of this belief, but also provides new understanding as to the very nature of such a construct. We may never see Bush's brain, and we may never have hard evidence that it exists. But by the reaction of those around it and it's negative effect upon the energy and mass that encounters it, we know it is a powerful - and highly destructive - force."

In an unexpected twist, Republicans found themselves at a loss for words, caught between arguing Bush's brain did not exist or that it was a figment of their own imagination.

Volstof's next project will focus on proving that Bush actually won his first Presidential election.