Monday, November 06, 2006

Desperate Republicans Promise Less Misery In Exchange For Votes

WASHINGTON – Republicans, worried about the future of their party and feeling the sting of voter backlash, have now fallen back upon their ultimate back-up plan - the promise of freedom from further misery, oppression and suffering.

The RNC's Karl Rove announced Wednesday night that the party was "...telling it like it is. It's very simple really - we have two more years running things. You want this the easy way or the hard way? Well, you mess with our control of Congress and we'll see to it the next two years are even worse! Keep us in power - and we'll remember who our friends are. You know we always do."

President Bush himself endorsed the promise tonight at an official fundraiser for Political Action Committee W.H.I.T.E & R.I.C.H. When asked about Rove's comments, Bush added:

"Well, think about it. The Republicans - well, some of 'em disagree with me once in a while. And you know, I even listen to 'em sometimes. But do you think I'm gonna listen to anything the Democrats tell me to do? Heh, heh - you must not know me very well."

"Cause y'know," Bush continued, "I've got all sorts of crazy shit I'm dyin' to try before I leave - and I've never gotten caught up in the whole Constitution thing. I have my own Constitution - and I won't quit.....and the American people understand that listenin' to the quitters is lettin' the terrorists win."

When asked how the party would be able to discern who voted for the Republicans and who didn't for purposes of retribution, the President explained "We know, dammit. You really aren't payin' attention are 'ya?"

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Iraqis Asked To Stay Indoors Until Further Notice

BAGHDAD – A general announcement was made in Iraq today asking all Iraqis to stay indoors. The announcement, carried on all radio, tv and internet channels, was read by actor/director Mel Gibson.

The announcement began with with the sound of easy listening jazz, apparently to calm listeners, and then Gibson read:
"Citizens of Iraq, this is Mel Gibson. Yes, that Mel Gibson. Ah – I can hear that many of you have begun firing your weapons in the air – thank you, thank you, that's very heartwarming.

The United States Of America has great news. You have all been given an extended vacation. That's right, it's time to kick back, put your feet up and just O.D. on bad TV – I know I do it. Just catch up on that cleaning up round the house, or the cave, or the rubble or whatever. I have a maid for that – but I can assure you she's illegal so we have a lot in common – we both like stickin' it to the man. And I KNOW you know that's not all we have in common. Um, if this was on tv, you'd see that I'm winking right now."
There was then an on air argument between the producer and Gibson, cullminating with Gibson apparently striking the producer with his microphone while ranting something about "....the Goddamn media - you Jews control it all don't ya?"

Gibson then returned to the broadcast:
"So, anyway, I'm back – and there's just one more thing. If you could do us a total solid and just stay indoors until further notice, that would be so cool. Let us know later when we can do something for you too. The point is, stay indoors. At least until after our elections."
Asked why Gibson was chosen, Lt. Col. Steeltoe Upyoass explained "Well, he made sense. We figured they would trust him because he hates Jews as much as they do. And the Lethal Weapon series is huge here on DVD."

The Anti-Fascist Gazette wishes to acknowledge that this should be the last Mel Gibson piece we do for a while.


Rush Limbaugh On Special Olympics: "Lazy & Unmotivated"

WASHINGTON – After offending all living creatures with his attack on Parkinson's disease sufferer Michael J. Fox, conservative pill-popper and sub-human megaphone Rush Limbaugh yesterday took aim at contestants of the Special Olympics on his daily radio show.

"I went down to the track this weekend to bet on the ponys," Limbaugh began, "and what do I find? A bunch of slow moving 'athletes' using the track and no racing! These people are shameless! And it's obvious they are part of the national conspiracy - the conspiracy to rob us of our precious stem cells that we would otherwise be able to throw in the trash. These stem cells deserve to die with dignity - just like Terry Shiavo - just look at what we did for her."

As if that wasn't enough, Limbaugh also catagorized the competetors as "lazy and clearly unmotivated - maybe if they exercised more they wouldn't have to put on such an act to win!"

A representative of The Special Olympics - who asked to remain anonymous - and who was on site when Limbaugh arrived told AFG the conservative mouth piece was "...clearly irritated and disoriented. We also caught him going through the kid's bags looking for pills!"

The AFG contacted several Special Olympics contestents and most preferred to "ignore the bald fat man."

But Ray, a 34 year old man living with autism told AFG:

"Uh oh! Definetely a major infraction. Rush Limbaugh, definetely an asshole. Of course, Rush Limbaugh is a terrible driver." Ray then excused himself as it was "nearly time for Hannity and Colmes!"