Bush "War Cabinet" Made of Maple

CRAWFORD, Texas – For days the nation has stood in wait as President Bush has spent time with his War Cabinet, assembled to review and plan for the next stages of the Iraqi war.

But today news came that the entire enterprise was a case of mistaken identity. It turns out Bush's enthusiasm is actually for a new piece of furniture he'd bought himself for Christmas.

Bush explained to dumbfounded reporters at his Crawford ranch: "I've been good and Santa got it for me. Y'know, heh, Santa. See, I got a lot of papers and stuff from the war. I need a place to put 'em so I can, y'know, have my libraries and, um, meditate upon my creations. I also got some good war material - historical documents and references - stuff I need to be the decider."

A quick look at the cabinet by AFG revealed numerous copies of DC Comics' Sgt Rock, hand written war meeting doodles and poorly drawn pictures of Condaleza Rice with the word "boobies" scrawled in the margin, a Top Gun DVD, several copies of Mad Libs for Lil Cowboys, and strangely, a Fried Green Tomatoes audio book.

When challenged as to the meetings he had been attending to plan out the future in Iraq, the President seemed confused.

"That's when I'm a cowboy! I tune everything out and I go to my special place."

U.S.A. To Bush: Fuck you!

Desperate Republicans Promise Less Misery In Exchange For Votes

WASHINGTON – Republicans, worried about the future of their party and feeling the sting of voter backlash, have now fallen back upon their ultimate back-up plan - the promise of freedom from further misery, oppression and suffering.

The RNC's Karl Rove announced Wednesday night that the party was "...telling it like it is. It's very simple really - we have two more years running things. You want this the easy way or the hard way? Well, you mess with our control of Congress and we'll see to it the next two years are even worse! Keep us in power - and we'll remember who our friends are. You know we always do."

President Bush himself endorsed the promise tonight at an official fundraiser for Political Action Committee W.H.I.T.E & R.I.C.H. When asked about Rove's comments, Bush added:

"Well, think about it. The Republicans - well, some of 'em disagree with me once in a while. And you know, I even listen to 'em sometimes. But do you think I'm gonna listen to anything the Democrats tell me to do? Heh, heh - you must not know me very well."

"Cause y'know," Bush continued, "I've got all sorts of crazy shit I'm dyin' to try before I leave - and I've never gotten caught up in the whole Constitution thing. I have my own Constitution - and I won't quit.....and the American people understand that listenin' to the quitters is lettin' the terrorists win."

When asked how the party would be able to discern who voted for the Republicans and who didn't for purposes of retribution, the President explained "We know, dammit. You really aren't payin' attention are 'ya?"

Iraqis Asked To Stay Indoors Until Further Notice

BAGHDAD – A general announcement was made in Iraq today asking all Iraqis to stay indoors. The announcement, carried on all radio, tv and internet channels, was read by actor/director Mel Gibson.

The announcement began with with the sound of easy listening jazz, apparently to calm listeners, and then Gibson read:

"Citizens of Iraq, this is Mel Gibson. Yes, that Mel Gibson. Ah – I can hear that many of you have begun firing your weapons in the air – thank you, thank you, that's very heartwarming.

The United States Of America has great news. You have all been given an extended vacation. That's right, it's time to kick back, put your feet up and just O.D. on bad TV – I know I do it. Just catch up on that cleaning up round the house, or the cave, or the rubble or whatever. I have a maid for that – but I can assure you she's illegal so we have a lot in common – we both like stickin' it to the man. And I KNOW you know that's not all we have in common. Um, if this was on tv, you'd see that I'm winking right now."

There was then an on air argument between the producer and Gibson, cullminating with Gibson apparently striking the producer with his microphone while ranting something about "....the Goddamn media - you Jews control it all don't ya?"

Gibson then returned to the broadcast:

"So, anyway, I'm back – and there's just one more thing. If you could do us a total solid and just stay indoors until further notice, that would be so cool. Let us know later when we can do something for you too. The point is, stay indoors. At least until after our elections."

Asked why Gibson was chosen, Lt. Col. Steeltoe Upyoass explained "Well, he made sense. We figured they would trust him because he hates Jews as much as they do. And the Lethal Weapon series is huge here on DVD."

The Anti-Fascist Gazette wishes to acknowledge that this should be the last Mel Gibson piece we do for a while.

Rush Limbaugh On Special Olympics: "Lazy & Unmotivated"

WASHINGTON – After offending all living creatures with his attack on Parkinson's disease sufferer Michael J. Fox, conservative pill-popper and sub-human megaphone Rush Limbaugh yesterday took aim at contestants of the Special Olympics on his daily radio show.

"I went down to the track this weekend to bet on the ponys," Limbaugh began, "and what do I find? A bunch of slow moving 'athletes' using the track and no racing! These people are shameless! And it's obvious they are part of the national conspiracy - the conspiracy to rob us of our precious stem cells that we would otherwise be able to throw in the trash. These stem cells deserve to die with dignity - just like Terry Shiavo - just look at what we did for her."

As if that wasn't enough, Limbaugh also catagorized the competetors as "lazy and clearly unmotivated - maybe if they exercised more they wouldn't have to put on such an act to win!"

A representative of The Special Olympics - who asked to remain anonymous - and who was on site when Limbaugh arrived told AFG the conservative mouth piece was "...clearly irritated and disoriented. We also caught him going through the kid's bags looking for pills!"

The AFG contacted several Special Olympics contestents and most preferred to "ignore the bald fat man."

But Ray, a 34 year old man living with autism told AFG:

"Uh oh! Definetely a major infraction. Rush Limbaugh, definetely an asshole. Of course, Rush Limbaugh is a terrible driver." Ray then excused himself as it was "nearly time for Hannity and Colmes!"

Dick Clark Cadaver to Host New Year's Rockin Eve

NEW YORK CITY - The Cryogenic Foundation today announced another triumph in it's ongoing efforts to preserve the minds and bodies of some of America's most beloved figures.

With funding from Disney's ABC subsidiary, the Foundation has succesfully implanted Dick Clark's cadaver with full animatronic capability. "America and the world will continue to enjoy Dick Clark's talents on New Year's Eve," said Henry Gale, head scientist at the Foundation.

Clark apparently died earlier this year, but Disney kept his death hidden from the public until this week. With this successful animotronic cadaver, ABC will announce Clark's death in advance of the cadaver's appearance in this year's "Rockin Eve."

"We think it will be a great show," said Phil Rosentein, Rockin Eve's producer. "No other New Year's Eve show will be hosted by an animatronic corpse. It's truly historical."

Unfortunately, the Cryogenic Foundation was not able to replicate its success on Walt Disney's corpse, which has been housed there since he died in 1966. "We tried, but his left arm, both ears, and nose fell off," explained Gale. "Even in a super-cooled environment, his body did deteriorate over the years."

Michael Jackson's former lips were unavailable for comment.

Bush Assembles Unprecedented Coalition Of The Unwilling

WASHINGTON – President George Bush today revealed at a press conference that his administration had succeeded where no other had - in uniting the world.

"Today we can tell the world that we hear you. We hear your cries and searing, um, resentment. We feel your united sense of purpose - and we take pride in the knowledge that it was our plan – or lack thereof - that made this possible."

Vice President Cheney confirmed that the facts back up Bush. According to the VP, the current data indicates that the entire world outside the U.S. has found unity and common ground against American policy.

"It's very straightforward you fucking dumb-ass," explained Cheney. "For the first time we see polls indicating that the rest of the world feels in-step on key issues. If that's so hard to understand why don't you go fuck yourself? What the fuck is the 'AFG' anyway?"

Bush explained it was a strong redemption for his Presidency. "The whole wide world - you get the feelin' they're havin' a party out there. I told y'all I was a uniter."

Republicans Clone "White Obama" for '08

WASHINGTON – In the halls of power of Washington, there are few secrets that remain that way forever. Today there is growing talk of just such a secret - and the repurcussions on the political landscape stand to be epochal. More and more sources are coming forward and telling the tale of the "White Obama clone."

This clone is apparently the candidate the GOP is hanging it's hopes on for the 2008 Presidential race. A superhuman demographical jigsaw man made to order.

"Oh, it's definetely happening," one insider informed AFG. "Karl Rove and his henchman extracted a DNA sample from Obama at a fundraiser and have been working in an underground facility to create a white version of the Senator using an advanced form of cloning, surrogate mothering and dark occult practices."

One scientist who left the program over "deep ethical concerns" explained how the process works: "They took a DNA percentage of various people - they have Reagan's hair, John McCain's war wounds, Barry Goldwater's 'gut,' Dick Cheney's manners - it's a genetic soup really."

But it was apparently California Governor Arnold Schwarzeneger's DNA that made up a good amount of the final formula. According to sources, the party is thrilled with the prospect of having "a version of the Arnold that thinks exactly like us at last."

Reports also indicate DNA from Richard Nixon's toe was included so that "we wouldn't have Nixon to kick around anymore..."

The anonymous scientist also unloaded one last bombshell - Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter Mary Cheney carried the child to term. "She took one for the team. I think she sees it as a way to put the past behind her and start fresh. It's also possible they are drugging her. Either way, it worked out."

In March, a suspicious character – who looked much like Obama – was seen milling about a White House reception until approached by Rove who escorted him out of the room. One attendee overheard Rove say, "you have to stay in the basement" and "yes, we will bring you more jellybeans" to the Obama look-alike.

As to how a child born just a few years ago will be old enough to run for President in '08 – apparently the GOP has that covered. One source who had been approached in assisting is Damien Hellstrom of Salem, MA. According to Hellstrom, a self described "life-long agent of Satan and his works," Karl Rove approached him about assisting in an ancient ritual that can make a child age to full maturity in mere hours.

"Yes, the one you call 'Rove' came to me. He sought my unholy aid to create this Demonobama. I explained that I could not partcipate in this act."

Hellstrom told us he turned down Rove because 'THAT guy is just plain evil."

Dr. Strange was occupied gazing into The Eye Of Agamato and was unavailable for comment.

"Assman" Revealed! Holy Joementum!

HARTFORD – The Superhero known as "Assman" to the citizens of this Connecticut capital city revealed himself today to a large crowd of unsuspecting citizens, who quickly beat him senseless.

The formerly masked crusader has terrorized the state of Connecticut since the summer with asinine, illogical comments.

Assman burst on to the scene in August, when his sidekick Joementum lost a contest fair and square in the Nutmeg State. Joementum picked up his JoePhone and called Assman for help. "Help Assman! I need you!"

Assman's response was swift. "DO NOT FEAR: ASSMAN IS HERE!" he bellowed to the citizens of Connecicut as he stepped off a MetroNorth train in Stamford. "My three clients in Brooklyn won't miss me," Assman declared. "Plus, two of them don't pay me anyway."

Assman had a plan for Joementum as soon as he stepped off the train: "Let's cheat!"

A key part of Assman's plan was a "Reeducation Initiative."

"CITIZENS OF CONNECTICUT: THE SUN SETS IN THE EAST!" Assman shouted across the state in early September. "If you think otherwise then you are with the terrorists."

"PEOPLE OF THIS FINE STATE: WE MUST NEVER FORGET THE LESSONS OF 9/11 – SO WE MUST KEEP SCREWING UP IRAQ!"

Bill Johnson, a lumber yard foreman in Danbury, commented at the time: "What the f*ck is this assh*le talking about? If I ever see that son of a b*tch I will break him in half."

Johnson and others got their chance to beat Assman into a bloody pulp when he made an appearance in downtown Hartford this morning. Outfitted in a trendy trenchcoat, Assman pulled off his mask to reveal himself to the gathering crowd.

"Kill him!" was heard from the crowd as it moved on Assman. Several minutes into the brutal attack, Assman escaped into a nearby alley.

"This just proves my point," Assman explained. "People are getting my message of unity and purpose."

Fear, Heartbreak and Dissolutionment New National Pastimes

EUGENE, OR - A report issued today by the National Institute of Analysis revealed that more Americans are making time to lose hope.

Institute President Bob Toast explained: "What we're seeing here is that Americans, in general, are showing a remarkable shift in their leisure time. Whereas before pastimes like baseball, music, love, football and sex seemed important, now they are more devoted to hobbies like fear, heartbreak and dissolutionment."

According to statistics shown to AFG, many Americans site "that fucking asshole in the White House" as a large influence, while "the seering misery of human existence in the 21st century" also scored big points. When asked what remaining hopes they did have, Americans responded most enthusiastically for "meaningless sex and a quick and flamboyant death."

White House Homeland Security Director Frances Fragos Townsend described the finding as "welcome news." Fragos explained that "unless we are stricken with fear and loathing, we as a country will never be prepared for the terrorists' next move. That's why we must not cut and run in Iraq."

In related news, musician Bobby McFerrin has re-recorded his hit "Don't Worry, Be Happy" with new lyrics and the title "Better Give Up, Life's Crappy":

Here is a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it mope for mope
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
In every life we think we shed trouble
Well I'm here to break your bubble
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy...

Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
The land lord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
Look at me I feel like shit
Its time to call out my own hit
Here I give you my address
Tell the assasin to make me worry less
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy

Bush Names Popeye Secretary Of Agriculture

WALLA WALLA - Hot on the heels of the e-coli outbreak that has led to the recall of spinach nationwide, President Bush has sprung to action, announcing that animated character Popeye will assume duties as Secretary of the Department of Agriculture.

"Against the forces of evil bacteria, Popeye is strong to the finish," Bush explained from an airtight containment chamber in Washington. "I've been assured by my advisors Hanna and Barbara that this is the guy for the job," adding "ug, ug, ug, ug, ug."

When challenged as to the actual existence of Popeye, Bush accused reporters of "...animated Fascism. We'll see if you say that 'bout 'em when Deputy Dawg is keeping our borders safe!"

Bush then explained that other animated characters were up for various positions in his administration. "Screwy Squirrel, that fella, he's unpredictable. Kooky. Elusive. I reckon that's the kind of fella we need runnin' the CIA."

Bush also announced that he has been informed that "Magilla Gorilla is for sale" and that this made him "...ideal for a key position in Defense. My buddies at Halliburton are gonna like the way he thinks!"

Olive Oyl, currently in treatment at an undisclosed location for an eating disorder, was unavailable for comment - while Bluto is busy "getting our torture policy sorted out," according to Bush.

Et Tu, Ginsu®?

WASHINGTON – In a time when knives seem to be on everyone's hit list - with bans on airlines and in schools – the ancient weapon has taken yet another blow with the death of knife capitialist Arthur Schiff, inventor of the Ginsu®.

Schiff, who died of lung cancer last week in Coral Springs, Fla., at 66, was a businessman who almost single-handedly invented the style and despairing manipulative power of direct response TV. Among the scourges he unleashed were the "amazing" Steakhouse Onion Machine®, the "miraculous" Ambervision® sunglasses and the "revolutionary" Shiwala® car mop.

In an unexpected turn of events, President Bush reacted with a press conference, calling for the "immediate confiscation of all Ginsu® knives."

"The Emperor has died," Bush announced. "Emperor Ginsu. And now we can safely ban this, the most dangerous of all knives, without fear of offending the Japanese people. It's a surrender - with honor. Just like WW Two."

When asked by a reporter if this "knife control" will lead to expanded gun control, Bush responded: "Hell no."

"You see, guns don't kill people, knives do," explained Bush.

Bush called on all Americans to relinquish Ginsu® knives in their posession at once. "We've all seen the training videos, on late at night - late at night when freedom is taking a nap," he explained. "I know I have. I've seen 'em cut through a tin can like it was hot butter!"

"But wait, there's more," Bush added, producing evidence of the existence of a "knife training manual" entitled The Wisdom of Ginsu.

"It also says that in Japan the hand can be used as a knife. And we're lookin' into that. Got my top Orientals on it."

Jim and Buzz were unavailable for comment.

You've Got Questions. We've Got Death.

NEW YORK – Not content with just firing employees via e-mail, the Radio Shack corporation today sent 200 other employees a new e-mail – this one notifying them of their deaths.

Sources confirmed to AFG that the e-mail was proceeded by a special package that employees were instructed to open upon receipt of the e-mail. The e-mail was forwarded to AFG:

The work force reduction notification is currently in progress. Unfortunately your existence is one that has been eliminated.

Radio Shack regrets to inform you that you have died. Please take the special stress relief tablets we have sent you.

You may subsequently experience a floating sensation. Shortly thereafter, all your troubles will feel as if they've just melted away.

A spokesperson for Radio Shack who spoke to us on condition of anonymity explained "this is isn't easy for us either. We have HR people with all sorts of repetitive motion injuries from hitting 'send'. And then there's the cost of corpse removal!"

Customers shopping at the 23rd street Radio Shack in NYC had mixed reactions.

Jim Heff, a self described "Hacker - to the EXTREME!" told AFG that "..this is an outrage. I came here today to get a XLR-USB adaptor so that I can synchronise my online and video porn with my new HD screen and my Hustler FEM BOT. But if this is how Radio Shack sees the common man, I may just have to take my business to J and R!"

Others were less concerned. Tom Dresden of Sweatshops International saw the move as "smart business sense."

"They did the right thing - they told these people - look, you're dead. Sometimes someone has just got to have the guts - and the love of freedom - to step up and to tell them the truth. I just pray that when my time comes I'm allowed the same dignity in death."

Spartacus and John Ball, joined together in the midst of an eternal intellectual struggle in the afterlife, were subsquently unavailable for comment.

Great Churchill's Ghost!!

THE ECTOPLASMIC DIMENSION - Hundreds of witnesses in both the UK and US reported seeing the ghost of long deceased former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill. And according to eye witnesses Churchill isn't here to reminisce.

"He's not at all a happy ghost," explained eyewitness Dora Pepperpot of London. "I always heard how charming he had been, but now he's quite angry. He kept going on about that Rumsfeld fellow - shouting 'enough is enough' and that he was going to do something very graphic to Rumsfeld with a scale model of the QEII."

Apparently Churchill's ghost then made his way to Rumsfeld's Pentagon office where he attempted to swallow his soul. This proved even more frustrating when Churchill found it was "spoken for."

According to an aide who witnessed the "terrifying" experience, the ghost expected to exact revenge for Rumsfeld's evoking his name in the Iraq conflict.

"We're used to seeing angry ghost's round here - I mean Reagan and Lincoln are PISSED! But this was the first ambassador type ghostly visit. I must say, however, it's true what they say about the English being very well spoken - even his obscenities had a certain class."

Rumsfeld was unfazed, suggesting Churchill "just give it some time."

Rumsfeld then began to queestion Churchill's "..committment to freedom. Maybe all that serving God in heaven stuff has made you soft on Fascism?" At this point Churchill apparently became so frustrated he took flight, explaining that he was having a hard time even tracking down current British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

"They've got him hidden in a lead box somewhere or something," Churchill told witnesses, "but he has to come out eventually and then I'm going to get World War Two on his ass!"

After repeated suggestions by Ray Parker, Jr., AFG's attempts to contact Ghostbusters Inc. were unanswered.

La Kookoo Bastard

EL PASO, TX – To any casual obsever walking the city streets of this Texas town, it's business as usual. While media-hyped tensions over immigration continue to mount, residents here say there's work to be done and little time to ponder when immigration issues will be addressed by the U.S. government.

So it's easy to understand why they might not recognize one face among the many Mariachi bands that play for change on the city streets – the face of CNN's Lou Dobbs.

Yes, Dobbs has taken his obsessive fight against illegal immigration to a new level, infiltrating the Mexican-American community by posing as a Mariachi musican.

"When first I saw him, I just thought he was a particularily ugly light skinned Latino," explained Salvador Perez. "But then Pedro told me he was that fat bastard from the television!"

AFG attempted to communicate with Dobbs but the CNN commentator refused to acknowledge his true identity. Dobbs would only say, "Yo no speako Englisho" in response to our questions.

A CNN representative did acknowledge that "Lou is on America's other frontline – deep under cover – rooting out those who have taken advantage of our broken borders.

"Robert Rodriguez, maverick director of the the fim "El Mariachi", was unimpressed with Dobb's efforts, weighing in from the set of his new film, "Tequila, Orgías Y Explosiones."

"If I was directing him, he'd have screwed seven prostitutes, blown up a canteena and spat in the boss man's face by now! That's infiltration."

New Atlantis: Bush Declares Victory In New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS – President George Bush today made a brief stop to announce to residents - and to the world - that the U.S. had achieved "victory in New Orleans."

"It's now been over a year since an attack by a hurricane on the city. That's over a year. And that's over a year of freedom - freedom for, uh, brackish water. And to eventually have, in some parts now, electricity. The hurricanes - they hate freedom. But liberty will prevail."

Bush went on to describe the worst hit parts of the city as "wonderfully exotic since the attack. They've really turned it around. And you can see that, in many cases - they prefer this almost aquatic environment. It's like a kinda New Atlantis. People are drinkin' and gamblin' - it looks to me like they're havin' a heck of a time."

"In the global war on weather, FEMA has accomplished it's mission. Our nation's precious coastlines are once again safe under the government's vigiliant and unblinking eye." Bush then paused to exchange a secret handshake with God.

When pressed to elaborate on how residents had evolved, Bush was quick to add that he was refering to "Mutations, just mutations. Y'know, not evolution but more like that Shaun Cassidy TV show."

Mayor Ray Nagin was notably subdued during the visit, leading some to speculate had been "drugged for the occasion."

Spike Lee, reached for comment in Brooklyn, invited the President to "jog naked through Harlem" at his earliest opportunity.

Mel Gibson Swears to Offend Entire Muslim World

MALIBU, California - The increasingly insane Mel Gibson today announced he will pay a personal pennance for recent anti-Jewish remarks by rededicating himself to offending Muslims everywhere just as badly.

"This is the least I can do. God told me - this is your spiritual community service," said Gibson.

Gibson plans to tell the "true" story of Lawrence Of Arabia, "a story of a cultured, Christian man driven to hedonism and homosexuality by dirty Arabs."

Gibson explained that Lawrence' rape at the hands of Turkish prison officials will be shot on 64 camera High Definition Digital Holy Vision (HDDHV). Kirk Cameron will play Lawrence.

"Until you see these dirty penises entering him from every imaginable angle, how can you understand the true nature of Arabs?"

Of additional interest is news that Gibson has already set his sights on his next project, one that might bring more controversy.

Reached for comment via a publicist, Gibson's co-star in the "Lethal Weapon" series, Danny Glover, confirmed that he had been approached by Gibson about a part in another upcoming Gibson film. "He wants me to play Moses in a musical version of the Ten Commandments called 'A Perfect Ten.'"

"The script is odd," noted Glover. "It portays Pharoah as a victim of the Jews. He wants to free the slaves but the Jews are pressuring him to keep themselves enslaved."

Glover provided AFG with an excerpt from the script that reads as follows:

PHAROAH: This Moses wants you to be free.

CROWD OF JEWS: No!

PHAROAH: But he says "let my people go!"

CROWD OF JEWS: No way! We want to stay in slavery!

[CAMERA PANS FROM CROWD TO CRYING PHAROAH]

PHAROAH: But I don't want to keep enslaving you!

CROWD OF JEWS: Enslave us! Enslave us! Enslave us!

When reached for comment, Gibson's publicist said "How do you know it didn't happen like that?"

"Mel wants to show how Moses saved the Jews from themselves. It was very heroic."

They'd Like To Buy The World (A Coke)

EARTH – It has been known for weeks now that if astronomers approve a newly proposed planet definition next week, asteroid Ceres and Pluto's moon Charon will both become planets. But today astronomers revealed that other changes were in store. Apparently through a convergence of bizarre scientific reclassification and a shortage of funds, celestial objects are becoming available for corporate sponsorship.

"Eventually our the moon will have to be reclassified as a planet," said Gregory Laughlin, an extrasolar planet researcher at the University of California, Santa Cruz, who described himself as currently "ass deep in hookers and blow with all the money I just scored."

The new definition, proposed this week by the International Astronomical Union (IAU), basically says every round object orbiting the sun is a planet, unless it orbits another planet. But there is a big caveat: for the right amount of money, they'll call it whatever the hell you want. One such agreement elevates Pluto's moon Charon to "The ESPN Zone," an idea some astronomers have criticized.

For readers keeping track, Earth's moon (soon to be tagged "Coca Colastronomy" according to the IAU) was born in a catastrophic collision more than four billion years ago. It started out very close to the planet but has been moving away ever since. It's currently drifting away about 1.5 inches (3.74 centimeters) every year, a key point within new classification standards.

"If the Earth and moon do survive, then the gravitational barycenter will eventually move outside the Earth as the moon recedes," Laughlin told BARELYLEGALSCIENCECOEDS.com. "At that point the Moon would be promoted to planetary status. What would we call it? This way the issue is taken care of ahead of time and we avoid a sudden crisis."

None of this would occur for a few billion years. And Earth and the moon would have to survive a host of remote catastrophe scenarios along with the predicted swelling of the sun into a red giant, which Laughlin and others have previously said might engulf and vaporize our planet (although he is quick to add that such catastrophes "are also on the table for negotiation.")

Astronomers expect to find hundreds of Pluto-sized objects in the outer solar system and the bidding is on, Laughlin explained.

Even highly ambulatory objects are eligible for sponsorship, as Comet X-47 has recently been renamed "Amazon.comet."

A vote on the new definition is scheduled for August 24 at the IAU meeting to be formerly held in Prague, but that has since been moved to a high end resort in Austria due to "newly relaxed finances."

But the world stands ready, with Discovery Channel Store spokeswoman Pamela Rucker predicting new coorporate-named planet toys could be in stores in time for the Christmas season.

In related news, Jack Horkeimer has suspended his trademark "Keep watching the stars!" closing. The astronomer explained to AFG, "I don't know what the fuck to call anything anymore..."

Holiday In Cambodia Interrupted

BOULDER, Colorado – After first laying to rest the 10-year mystery of who killed JonBenet Ramsey, another stunning admission came Friday from John Mark Karr in Bangkok, Thailand - that he killed President John F. Kennedy.

"I loved JFK. It was an accident," Karr told a rabid mob of hungry flesh eating jackals assembled by the local police for the occasion.

Boulder police were also quick to act, handing down indictments by breakfast. According to several sources within the investigation, the police have obtained evidence from chat room conversations between Karr and Senator Edward Kennedy where Karr confessed to have "...killed your brother. I was there when he died."

Citing rules she "remembers reading at law school" and the ongoing investigation, Boulder District Attorney Mary Lacy declined to discuss what evidence, other than Karr's post-arrest admissions and the fact he is "clearly a sick fuck" linked him to the 6-year-old beauty queen or the Kennedy assassination.

In related news, Karr has gone through two stylists due to "creative differences" since his arrest.

Jello Biafra was unavailable for comment.

Bush Administration Eases "Human" Requirements for Military Enlistment

WASHINGTON – The Bush administration today yet again lowered requirements for US military service, specifically removing the rule that enlistment must be "human."

Bush, flanked by representatives of this new military force, expressed great excitement over the new candidates: "I've let the word go forth, at this place and time, to circuses, zoos, freak shows and mad scientists - your country needs you."

"For instance, there are many a primate that live among us performing useful tasks, both at home and abroad. We need 'em." Bush added.

Sen. Jack Reed (D-RI) commented that this "might explain Rumsfeld."

Bush suggests this is just the beginning, and that his efforts to find life on other planets "could provide untold armies for the fight against global terror."

Billy Johnston, the head of personnel for the Department of Defense and a self-described "huge Star Wars fan," explained that the Pentagon is also looking into cloning a skilled bounty hunter and "replicating hundreds of thousands of war fighters from this single humanoid."

"Another option in the works is a droid army, but that is only in the conceptual phase," revealed Johnston. "I made several drawings and sent it to Lockheed-Martin as well as the Skywalker Ranch."