Friday, August 29, 2008

McCain to America's women: "Vote for the ovaries!"

DAYTON, OH - Presidential Candidate John McCain stunned Americans today by announcing that he was choosing Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential Candidate.  

"My fellow Americans, America loves women," the Senator explained.  "They're a good bit of what I thought about when I was held captive all those years.  And I know you'll be just as captivated by my selection to lead this nation, in the extremely possible event I die a relatively timely death."

The Governor explained the reason for her selection.  "I'm just thrilled to have been qualified in the right way for this job.  Clearly, I'll have as much of a voice as Joe Biden will have with Barack Obama.  And by that I mean there is a chance that a man of John's age could lose the capacity to speak somehow."

"Isn't she just a pistol?" asked the Senator.  "Vote for the ovaries!" 

"I'll tell you my fellow Americans, I am just so impressed with the several hours I've spent with the Governor.  And with my schedule and frequent naps, a few hours is a major commitment.  So I know her as well as I know anyone, save perhaps those Godless bastards that held me captive all those years, providing me with horrific  memories.  Memories that no one dare bring up as a reason not to elect me to the most powerful job on earth."

Many were curious as to how the Senator made his decision. 
"It's true, my fellow Americans, that you have to really look far and wide to find a Republican and an American like this.  To find an American like this, my fellow Americans, you have to actually leave America for a while, and drive through Canada.  And then to a place that is pure white all year round - and where it's always a twilight of cotton candy.  
And let me tell you, my fellow Americans, this woman can hunt.  And I have seen her collection of pelts and animal skins and I can tell you that you haven't truly lived until you've seen this woman's beaver."

The Senator concluded the rally by making love to a Hilary Clinton mannequin behind a  sheer white curtain.

Tina Fey, who will surely play Governor Palin in a wacky sketch comedy, awards show or film that is slightly more high brow than this article in the not too distant future, was unavailable for comment to the AFG.