Fear, Heartbreak and Dissolutionment New National Pastimes

EUGENE, OR - A report issued today by the National Institute of Analysis revealed that more Americans are making time to lose hope.

Institute President Bob Toast explained: "What we're seeing here is that Americans, in general, are showing a remarkable shift in their leisure time. Whereas before pastimes like baseball, music, love, football and sex seemed important, now they are more devoted to hobbies like fear, heartbreak and dissolutionment."

According to statistics shown to AFG, many Americans site "that fucking asshole in the White House" as a large influence, while "the seering misery of human existence in the 21st century" also scored big points. When asked what remaining hopes they did have, Americans responded most enthusiastically for "meaningless sex and a quick and flamboyant death."

White House Homeland Security Director Frances Fragos Townsend described the finding as "welcome news." Fragos explained that "unless we are stricken with fear and loathing, we as a country will never be prepared for the terrorists' next move. That's why we must not cut and run in Iraq."

In related news, musician Bobby McFerrin has re-recorded his hit "Don't Worry, Be Happy" with new lyrics and the title "Better Give Up, Life's Crappy":

Here is a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it mope for mope
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
In every life we think we shed trouble
Well I'm here to break your bubble
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy...

Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
The land lord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
Look at me I feel like shit
Its time to call out my own hit
Here I give you my address
Tell the assasin to make me worry less
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy