They'd Like To Buy The World (A Coke)

EARTH – It has been known for weeks now that if astronomers approve a newly proposed planet definition next week, asteroid Ceres and Pluto's moon Charon will both become planets. But today astronomers revealed that other changes were in store. Apparently through a convergence of bizarre scientific reclassification and a shortage of funds, celestial objects are becoming available for corporate sponsorship.

"Eventually our the moon will have to be reclassified as a planet," said Gregory Laughlin, an extrasolar planet researcher at the University of California, Santa Cruz, who described himself as currently "ass deep in hookers and blow with all the money I just scored."

The new definition, proposed this week by the International Astronomical Union (IAU), basically says every round object orbiting the sun is a planet, unless it orbits another planet. But there is a big caveat: for the right amount of money, they'll call it whatever the hell you want. One such agreement elevates Pluto's moon Charon to "The ESPN Zone," an idea some astronomers have criticized.

For readers keeping track, Earth's moon (soon to be tagged "Coca Colastronomy" according to the IAU) was born in a catastrophic collision more than four billion years ago. It started out very close to the planet but has been moving away ever since. It's currently drifting away about 1.5 inches (3.74 centimeters) every year, a key point within new classification standards.

"If the Earth and moon do survive, then the gravitational barycenter will eventually move outside the Earth as the moon recedes," Laughlin told BARELYLEGALSCIENCECOEDS.com. "At that point the Moon would be promoted to planetary status. What would we call it? This way the issue is taken care of ahead of time and we avoid a sudden crisis."

None of this would occur for a few billion years. And Earth and the moon would have to survive a host of remote catastrophe scenarios along with the predicted swelling of the sun into a red giant, which Laughlin and others have previously said might engulf and vaporize our planet (although he is quick to add that such catastrophes "are also on the table for negotiation.")

Astronomers expect to find hundreds of Pluto-sized objects in the outer solar system and the bidding is on, Laughlin explained.

Even highly ambulatory objects are eligible for sponsorship, as Comet X-47 has recently been renamed "Amazon.comet."

A vote on the new definition is scheduled for August 24 at the IAU meeting to be formerly held in Prague, but that has since been moved to a high end resort in Austria due to "newly relaxed finances."

But the world stands ready, with Discovery Channel Store spokeswoman Pamela Rucker predicting new coorporate-named planet toys could be in stores in time for the Christmas season.

In related news, Jack Horkeimer has suspended his trademark "Keep watching the stars!" closing. The astronomer explained to AFG, "I don't know what the fuck to call anything anymore..."