Thursday, August 31, 2006

You've Got Questions. We've Got Death.

NEW YORK – Not content with just firing employees via e-mail, the Radio Shack corporation today sent 200 other employees a new e-mail – this one notifying them of their deaths.

Sources confirmed to AFG that the e-mail was proceeded by a special package that employees were instructed to open upon receipt of the e-mail. The e-mail was forwarded to AFG:
The work force reduction notification is currently in progress. Unfortunately your existence is one that has been eliminated.

Radio Shack regrets to inform you that you have died. Please take the special stress relief tablets we have sent you.

You may subsequently experience a floating sensation. Shortly thereafter, all your troubles will feel as if they've just melted away.
A spokesperson for Radio Shack who spoke to us on condition of anonymity explained "this is isn't easy for us either. We have HR people with all sorts of repetitive motion injuries from hitting 'send'. And then there's the cost of corpse removal!"

Customers shopping at the 23rd street Radio Shack in NYC had mixed reactions.

Jim Heff, a self described "Hacker - to the EXTREME!" told AFG that "..this is an outrage. I came here today to get a XLR-USB adaptor so that I can synchronise my online and video porn with my new HD screen and my Hustler FEM BOT. But if this is how Radio Shack sees the common man, I may just have to take my business to J and R!"

Others were less concerned. Tom Dresden of Sweatshops International saw the move as "smart business sense."

"They did the right thing - they told these people - look, you're dead. Sometimes someone has just got to have the guts - and the love of freedom - to step up and to tell them the truth. I just pray that when my time comes I'm allowed the same dignity in death."

Spartacus and John Ball, joined together in the midst of an eternal intellectual struggle in the afterlife, were subsquently unavailable for comment.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Would you like some sweets, Willy?

Anonymous said...

Come on, auntie, we'll miss the bus!

Anonymous said...

The response while I bomb that ass, "You ain't shit!"
Your wack ass town had you gassed
Egos is somethin the AFG crush
Souped up niggaz on a stage get rushed
I don't give a god damn, on the shows you did
How many rhymes you got, or who knows you kid?
Cuz I don't know ya therefore show me what you know
I come sharp as a blade and I cut you slow
You become so Pat as my style increases
What's that in your pants ahhh human feces!
Throw your shitty drawers in the hamper
Next time come strapped with a fuckin Pamper
How ya sound B? You're better off a quitter
I'm on the mound G, and it's a no-hitter
And my DJ the catcher, he's my man
Anyway he's the one who devised the plan
He throws the signs I hook up the beats with clout
I throw the rhymes to the mic and I strike em out
So it really doesn't matter on how you intrigue
You can't FUCK with those in the major leagues

Anonymous said...

Some say Im negative

But theyre not positive

Anonymous said...

And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire.