Thursday, August 31, 2006

You've Got Questions. We've Got Death.

NEW YORK – Not content with just firing employees via e-mail, the Radio Shack corporation today sent 200 other employees a new e-mail – this one notifying them of their deaths.

Sources confirmed to AFG that the e-mail was proceeded by a special package that employees were instructed to open upon receipt of the e-mail. The e-mail was forwarded to AFG:
The work force reduction notification is currently in progress. Unfortunately your existence is one that has been eliminated.

Radio Shack regrets to inform you that you have died. Please take the special stress relief tablets we have sent you.

You may subsequently experience a floating sensation. Shortly thereafter, all your troubles will feel as if they've just melted away.
A spokesperson for Radio Shack who spoke to us on condition of anonymity explained "this is isn't easy for us either. We have HR people with all sorts of repetitive motion injuries from hitting 'send'. And then there's the cost of corpse removal!"

Customers shopping at the 23rd street Radio Shack in NYC had mixed reactions.

Jim Heff, a self described "Hacker - to the EXTREME!" told AFG that "..this is an outrage. I came here today to get a XLR-USB adaptor so that I can synchronise my online and video porn with my new HD screen and my Hustler FEM BOT. But if this is how Radio Shack sees the common man, I may just have to take my business to J and R!"

Others were less concerned. Tom Dresden of Sweatshops International saw the move as "smart business sense."

"They did the right thing - they told these people - look, you're dead. Sometimes someone has just got to have the guts - and the love of freedom - to step up and to tell them the truth. I just pray that when my time comes I'm allowed the same dignity in death."

Spartacus and John Ball, joined together in the midst of an eternal intellectual struggle in the afterlife, were subsquently unavailable for comment.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Cunningham Lands Influential Inmate Appropriations Committee Spot

"He's Absolutely Thrilled" Reports Newly Acquired Bitch

BUTNER, North Carolina – Randy "Duke" Cunningham (R-CA) was recently assigned a role in the influential Butner Federal Correctional Complex Inmate Appropriations Committee and is due to chair the Subcommittee on Shanks and Filed Contraband.

Citing his many years experience maneuvering complex political channels that transformed this once humble high school swim coach and Naval pilot ace into one of the most corrupt officials on Capitol Hill, Cunningham pronounced that he was "officially open for business, with bidding for toothbrush shanks and other filed contraband starting at one carton of menthols per."

With his trademark inside-out pocket, Cunningham also touted his newly acquired bitch, a gaunt cellmate with dentures whose name was not reported and answers only after receiving explicit permission from Cunningham.

"I vow to put the same energy and intelligence into this vaunted Committee as I did the 'Shark Finning Prohibition Act' and the 'Flag Desecration Prohibition Legislation' that earned me the respect and admiration of my colleagues and constituents."

Cunningham's Chief of Staff, Todd Cunningham (serving a two-year sentence on drug trafficking) elaborated, saying, "the voters of this cell-block understand, just like the voters of San Diego understand, whether your sleeping in your cell, or in your illegally acquired house boat, there is no better guarantee of personal safety than a fully armed or sharpened weapon under your pillow."

A visibly emotional Cunningham attempted to fight back tears as he embraced his son and bitch with each arm. "Without these two, I'd be a bumbling fool, wallowing in self pity in some minimum security prison for accepting over $2.4 million in bribes on defense contracts during
a time of war. Thank you, Jesus."

With that, the born-again Christian kissed his crucifix necklace and retired to his cell with his bitch.

Great Churchill's Ghost!!

THE ECTOPLASMIC DIMENSION - Hundreds of witnesses in both the UK and US reported seeing the ghost of long deceased former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill. And according to eye witnesses Churchill isn't here to reminisce.

"He's not at all a happy ghost," explained eyewitness Dora Pepperpot of London. "I always heard how charming he had been, but now he's quite angry. He kept going on about that Rumsfeld fellow - shouting 'enough is enough' and that he was going to do something very graphic to Rumsfeld with a scale model of the QEII."

Apparently Churchill's ghost then made his way to Rumsfeld's Pentagon office where he attempted to swallow his soul. This proved even more frustrating when Churchill found it was "spoken for."

According to an aide who witnessed the "terrifying" experience, the ghost expected to exact revenge for Rumsfeld's evoking his name in the Iraq conflict.

"We're used to seeing angry ghost's round here - I mean Reagan and Lincoln are PISSED! But this was the first ambassador type ghostly visit. I must say, however, it's true what they say about the English being very well spoken - even his obscenities had a certain class."

Rumsfeld was unfazed, suggesting Churchill "just give it some time."

Rumsfeld then began to queestion Churchill's "..committment to freedom. Maybe all that serving God in heaven stuff has made you soft on Fascism?" At this point Churchill apparently became so frustrated he took flight, explaining that he was having a hard time even tracking down current British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

"They've got him hidden in a lead box somewhere or something," Churchill told witnesses, "but he has to come out eventually and then I'm going to get World War Two on his ass!"

After repeated suggestions by Ray Parker, Jr., AFG's attempts to contact Ghostbusters Inc. were unanswered.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

La Kookoo Bastard

EL PASO, TX – To any casual obsever walking the city streets of this Texas town, it's business as usual. While media-hyped tensions over immigration continue to mount, residents here say there's work to be done and little time to ponder when immigration issues will be addressed by the U.S. government.

So it's easy to understand why they might not recognize one face among the many Mariachi bands that play for change on the city streets – the face of CNN's Lou Dobbs.

Yes, Dobbs has taken his obsessive fight against illegal immigration to a new level, infiltrating the Mexican-American community by posing as a Mariachi musican.

"When first I saw him, I just thought he was a particularily ugly light skinned Latino," explained Salvador Perez. "But then Pedro told me he was that fat bastard from the television!"

AFG attempted to communicate with Dobbs but the CNN commentator refused to acknowledge his true identity. Dobbs would only say, "Yo no speako Englisho" in response to our questions.

A CNN representative did acknowledge that "Lou is on America's other frontline – deep under cover – rooting out those who have taken advantage of our broken borders.

"Robert Rodriguez, maverick director of the the fim "El Mariachi", was unimpressed with Dobb's efforts, weighing in from the set of his new film, "Tequila, OrgĂ­as Y Explosiones."

"If I was directing him, he'd have screwed seven prostitutes, blown up a canteena and spat in the boss man's face by now! That's infiltration."

Thursday, August 24, 2006

New Atlantis: Bush Declares Victory In New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS – President George Bush today made a brief stop to announce to residents - and to the world - that the U.S. had achieved "victory in New Orleans."

"It's now been over a year since an attack by a hurricane on the city. That's over a year. And that's over a year of freedom - freedom for, uh, brackish water. And to eventually have, in some parts now, electricity. The hurricanes - they hate freedom. But liberty will prevail."

Bush went on to describe the worst hit parts of the city as "wonderfully exotic since the attack. They've really turned it around. And you can see that, in many cases - they prefer this almost aquatic environment. It's like a kinda New Atlantis. People are drinkin' and gamblin' - it looks to me like they're havin' a heck of a time."

"In the global war on weather, FEMA has accomplished it's mission. Our nation's precious coastlines are once again safe under the government's vigiliant and unblinking eye." Bush then paused to exchange a secret handshake with God.

When pressed to elaborate on how residents had evolved, Bush was quick to add that he was refering to "Mutations, just mutations. Y'know, not evolution but more like that Shaun Cassidy TV show."

Mayor Ray Nagin was notably subdued during the visit, leading some to speculate had been "drugged for the occasion."

Spike Lee, reached for comment in Brooklyn, invited the President to "jog naked through Harlem" at his earliest opportunity.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Mel Gibson Swears to Offend Entire Muslim World

MALIBU, California - The increasingly insane Mel Gibson today announced he will pay a personal pennance for recent anti-Jewish remarks by rededicating himself to offending Muslims everywhere just as badly.

"This is the least I can do. God told me - this is your spiritual community service," said Gibson.

Gibson plans to tell the "true" story of Lawrence Of Arabia, "a story of a cultured, Christian man driven to hedonism and homosexuality by dirty Arabs."

Gibson explained that Lawrence' rape at the hands of Turkish prison officials will be shot on 64 camera High Definition Digital Holy Vision (HDDHV). Kirk Cameron will play Lawrence.

"Until you see these dirty penises entering him from every imaginable angle, how can you understand the true nature of Arabs?"

Of additional interest is news that Gibson has already set his sights on his next project, one that might bring more controversy.

Reached for comment via a publicist, Gibson's co-star in the "Lethal Weapon" series, Danny Glover, confirmed that he had been approached by Gibson about a part in another upcoming Gibson film. "He wants me to play Moses in a musical version of the Ten Commandments called 'A Perfect Ten.'"

"The script is odd," noted Glover. "It portays Pharoah as a victim of the Jews. He wants to free the slaves but the Jews are pressuring him to keep themselves enslaved."

Glover provided AFG with an excerpt from the script that reads as follows:
PHAROAH: This Moses wants you to be free.

CROWD OF JEWS: No!

PHAROAH: But he says "let my people go!"

CROWD OF JEWS: No way! We want to stay in slavery!

[CAMERA PANS FROM CROWD TO CRYING PHAROAH]

PHAROAH: But I don't want to keep enslaving you!

CROWD OF JEWS: Enslave us! Enslave us! Enslave us!
When reached for comment, Gibson's publicist said "How do you know it didn't happen like that?"

"Mel wants to show how Moses saved the Jews from themselves. It was very heroic."

Saturday, August 19, 2006

They'd Like To Buy The World (A Coke)

EARTH – It has been known for weeks now that if astronomers approve a newly proposed planet definition next week, asteroid Ceres and Pluto's moon Charon will both become planets. But today astronomers revealed that other changes were in store. Apparently through a convergence of bizarre scientific reclassification and a shortage of funds, celestial objects are becoming available for corporate sponsorship.

"Eventually our the moon will have to be reclassified as a planet," said Gregory Laughlin, an extrasolar planet researcher at the University of California, Santa Cruz, who described himself as currently "ass deep in hookers and blow with all the money I just scored."

The new definition, proposed this week by the International Astronomical Union (IAU), basically says every round object orbiting the sun is a planet, unless it orbits another planet. But there is a big caveat: for the right amount of money, they'll call it whatever the hell you want. One such agreement elevates Pluto's moon Charon to "The ESPN Zone," an idea some astronomers have criticized.

For readers keeping track, Earth's moon (soon to be tagged "Coca Colastronomy" according to the IAU) was born in a catastrophic collision more than four billion years ago. It started out very close to the planet but has been moving away ever since. It's currently drifting away about 1.5 inches (3.74 centimeters) every year, a key point within new classification standards.

"If the Earth and moon do survive, then the gravitational barycenter will eventually move outside the Earth as the moon recedes," Laughlin told BARELYLEGALSCIENCECOEDS.com. "At that point the Moon would be promoted to planetary status. What would we call it? This way the issue is taken care of ahead of time and we avoid a sudden crisis."

None of this would occur for a few billion years. And Earth and the moon would have to survive a host of remote catastrophe scenarios along with the predicted swelling of the sun into a red giant, which Laughlin and others have previously said might engulf and vaporize our planet (although he is quick to add that such catastrophes "are also on the table for negotiation.")

Astronomers expect to find hundreds of Pluto-sized objects in the outer solar system and the bidding is on, Laughlin explained.

Even highly ambulatory objects are eligible for sponsorship, as Comet X-47 has recently been renamed "Amazon.comet."

A vote on the new definition is scheduled for August 24 at the IAU meeting to be formerly held in Prague, but that has since been moved to a high end resort in Austria due to "newly relaxed finances."

But the world stands ready, with Discovery Channel Store spokeswoman Pamela Rucker predicting new coorporate-named planet toys could be in stores in time for the Christmas season.

In related news, Jack Horkeimer has suspended his trademark "Keep watching the stars!" closing. The astronomer explained to AFG, "I don't know what the fuck to call anything anymore..."

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Holiday In Cambodia Interrupted

BOULDER, Colorado – After first laying to rest the 10-year mystery of who killed JonBenet Ramsey, another stunning admission came Friday from John Mark Karr in Bangkok, Thailand - that he killed President John F. Kennedy.

"I loved JFK. It was an accident," Karr told a rabid mob of hungry flesh eating jackals assembled by the local police for the occasion.

Boulder police were also quick to act, handing down indictments by breakfast. According to several sources within the investigation, the police have obtained evidence from chat room conversations between Karr and Senator Edward Kennedy where Karr confessed to have "...killed your brother. I was there when he died."

Citing rules she "remembers reading at law school" and the ongoing investigation, Boulder District Attorney Mary Lacy declined to discuss what evidence, other than Karr's post-arrest admissions and the fact he is "clearly a sick fuck" linked him to the 6-year-old beauty queen or the Kennedy assassination.

In related news, Karr has gone through two stylists due to "creative differences" since his arrest.

Jello Biafra was unavailable for comment.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Bush Administration Eases "Human" Requirements for Military Enlistment

WASHINGTON – The Bush administration today yet again lowered requirements for US military service, specifically removing the rule that enlistment must be "human."

Bush, flanked by representatives of this new military force, expressed great excitement over the new candidates: "I've let the word go forth, at this place and time, to circuses, zoos, freak shows and mad scientists - your country needs you."

"For instance, there are many a primate that live among us performing useful tasks, both at home and abroad. We need 'em." Bush added.

Sen. Jack Reed (D-RI) commented that this "might explain Rumsfeld."

Bush suggests this is just the beginning, and that his efforts to find life on other planets "could provide untold armies for the fight against global terror."

Billy Johnston, the head of personnel for the Department of Defense and a self-described "huge Star Wars fan," explained that the Pentagon is also looking into cloning a skilled bounty hunter and "replicating hundreds of thousands of war fighters from this single humanoid."

"Another option in the works is a droid army, but that is only in the conceptual phase," revealed Johnston. "I made several drawings and sent it to Lockheed-Martin as well as the Skywalker Ranch."

Sociable