PUERTO RICO - News broke today that Senator Hilary Clinton
continues to fight for the Democratic nomination - seemingly by
any means necessary.
First came the senator's "assasination gaffe", and now it seems
that she has thrown her fate in the hands of a controversial figure -
one Doctor Moreau - in order to increase Hilary friendly voter
registration in Puerto Rico.
And according to sources, the increase in voters could be
"as much as 50%".
"It's true," confirmed one Edward Prendick, a former
Clinton campaign worker at the Puerto Rican island
"They are cross breading an entire voting block. Moreau is her
secret weapon. Animal rights activists drove him out of the States.
It got so bad he couldn't cage a rat human hybrid creature without
them reading him his rights! So he found a new life - and new lives
- in Puerto Rico. He never dreamed his ship would come in, but now
that the island figures in the election, the Hilary campaign is bank
rolling his work. Bear in mind, he's not even allowed to practice
anywhere that isn't an island."
Clinton herself was quick to defend the initiative:
"Look, as I have proven so succinctly during this campaign, we are all beasts. Who is to say what "human" is anyway? Well, we've seen what happens when we don't let every vote be counted! And so I say we let these beastial freaks of science be HEARD! There is no pain, there is no law! Kwaa! Kwaa!"
The senator then produced a sample humanoid of
striking similarity to herself. The creature said little,
except for incessant chanting of "Yes, she can!
Yes she can!"
A clattering of hooting, grunting and screams echoed
into the Puerto Rican night as the musky smell of
hybrid voters rose with the wind.
"Aaaaooooorrrooeeeooorrrowwww!" screeched first time voter Wolfie (pictured). "Vote Hilary!""
When reached by phone in his island laboratory and challenged by AFG as to the ethics of the initiative, Moreau struck back.
"Permit me, Mr. Reporter, to tell you something of the Devil as I've come to know him. I have seen the devil, in the polling numbers that senator Clinton has shown me, and I have chained him."
According to Moreau, he had grander designs and "wanted to turn animals into humans and humans into gods. But it's instinct and reason, instinct and reason," the Doctor argued.
"What's reason to a politician?"
Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean offered little more explanation or position, saying only that "To go on two legs is very hard. Perhaps four is better, anyway."
In other related news, Ohio band Devo where allegedly offered the chance to perform at the rally, but refused citing the event as "too devo."
Bill Clinton had the final word as of this posting, telling a group of frightened African American children inside a a South Florida church that he could "..take back all that nice stuff I did for y'all when I was President if your parents don't vote for Hilary."
He also added that his wife would "...prove that you can go out with a whimper - and still win!"
The seriously fucking pissed off ghost of Robert Kennedy was unavailable for comment.
Reached for comment somewhere made somehow less safe by Senator Clinton, Senator Obama would only comment that "I hope, or I could not live...".