Bush To Open Southfork Ranch to Drilling

SOUTH FORK RANCH, Dallas, Texas – In a move sure to anger locals and Ellie Mae Ewing alike, President Bush today signed legislation opening the South Fork Ranch to oil drilling.

With Ewing Oil CEO J.R. Ewing at his side, Bush said, "I've said it many times, greater exploration is the key to bringing down gas prices – right J.R.?"

Mr. Ewing grinned and told reporters, "That's right W. That's right."

Back at the ranch, Bobby Ewing held a press conference in his shower to proclaim that "J.R. has really done it this time. I mean what would Daddy say if he were here today?" Bobby abruptly left the press conference naked and drove to Knotts Landing in search of help from his idiot cousin Gary.

Meanwhile, rumors circulated of a planned hunting trip at South Fork with Vice President Dick Cheney this past May that sealed the deal. J.R. agreed the trip was a positive one: "That fella could shoot the hair off a tick - if you got the tick to just sit still long enough."

When asked by reporters if he checked with other members of the Ewing family before authorizing drilling, Bush said, "I called Patrick Ewing and he said he didn't care."

Sue Ellen Ewing was too drunk to comment.