McCain to America's women: "Vote for the ovaries!"

DAYTON, OH - Presidential Candidate John McCain stunned Americans today by announcing that he was choosing Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential Candidate.  

"My fellow Americans, America loves women," the Senator explained.  "They're a good bit of what I thought about when I was held captive all those years.  And I know you'll be just as captivated by my selection to lead this nation, in the extremely possible event I die a relatively timely death."

The Governor explained the reason for her selection.  "I'm just thrilled to have been qualified in the right way for this job.  Clearly, I'll have as much of a voice as Joe Biden will have with Barack Obama.  And by that I mean there is a chance that a man of John's age could lose the capacity to speak somehow."

"Isn't she just a pistol?" asked the Senator.  "Vote for the ovaries!" 

"I'll tell you my fellow Americans, I am just so impressed with the several hours I've spent with the Governor.  And with my schedule and frequent naps, a few hours is a major commitment.  So I know her as well as I know anyone, save perhaps those Godless bastards that held me captive all those years, providing me with horrific  memories.  Memories that no one dare bring up as a reason not to elect me to the most powerful job on earth."

Many were curious as to how the Senator made his decision. 

 

"It's true, my fellow Americans, that you have to really look far and wide to find a Republican and an American like this.  To find an American like this, my fellow Americans, you have to actually leave America for a while, and drive through Canada.  And then to a place that is pure white all year round - and where it's always a twilight of cotton candy.  

And let me tell you, my fellow Americans, this woman can hunt.  And I have seen her collection of pelts and animal skins and I can tell you that you haven't truly lived until you've seen this woman's beaver."

The Senator concluded the rally by making love to a Hilary Clinton mannequin behind a  sheer white curtain.

Tina Fey, who will surely play Governor Palin in a wacky sketch comedy, awards show or film that is slightly more high brow than this article in the not too distant future, was unavailable for comment to the AFG. 

Large Growth Removed From Mole

WASHINGTON DC -   After last week's latest Senator McCain face growth activity, the mole in question has come forth to set the record straight. And according to the mole, he's the one that had the surgery.

When reached for comment, he expressed his relief.  

"Damn straight I had that thing removed.  You don't know what it's like, knowing everyone is looking at you and hyper aware of it.  Plus the noises it would make.  You never knew what kind of embarrassment it would bring."

Asked what's next, the mole revealed that he is now dating a fellow liberated mole, this one from Sex in The City star Sarah Jessica Parker, and that they plan to start a reality tv show together called "The Real Moles of Washington DC."

"She's not ready to face the public yet," the mole explained.  "She spent a lifetime drowning in thick make up - she's glad to be free at last.  But we'll be debuting on MTV in the fall."

Toad of Toad Hall and Ratty refused to comment on this story.

Once highly respected man further entrenches irrelevance by stating the obvious on behalf of no one.

  Also calls out "Showtime At The Apollo" for "whitening their blackness..." 

Clinton "Doctors" Puerto Rican voter turnout

PUERTO RICO - News broke today that Senator Hilary Clinton 

continues to fight for the Democratic nomination - seemingly by 

any means necessary.

First came the senator's "assasination gaffe", and now it seems 

that she has thrown her fate in the hands of a controversial figure -  

one Doctor Moreau - in order to increase Hilary friendly voter 

registration in Puerto Rico. 

And according to sources, the increase in voters could be 

"as much as 50%".

"It's true," confirmed one Edward Prendick, a former 

Clinton campaign worker at the Puerto Rican island 

headquarters:

"They are cross breading an entire voting block. Moreau is her 

secret weapon.  Animal rights activists drove him out of the States. 

It got so bad he couldn't cage a rat human hybrid creature without 

them reading him his rights!  So he found a new life - and new lives 

- in Puerto Rico.  He never dreamed his ship would come in, but now 

that the island figures in the election, the Hilary campaign is bank 

rolling his work.  Bear in mind, he's not even allowed to practice 

anywhere that isn't an island."

Clinton herself was quick to defend the initiative:

"Look, as I have proven so succinctly during this campaign, we are all beasts.  Who is to say what "human" is anyway?  Well, we've seen what happens when we don't let every vote be counted! And so I say we let these beastial freaks of science be HEARD! There is no pain, there is no law!  Kwaa!  Kwaa!"

The senator then produced a sample humanoid of

striking similarity to herself.  The creature said little,

except for incessant chanting of "Yes, she can! 

Yes she can!"  

A clattering of hooting, grunting and screams echoed 

into the Puerto Rican night as the musky smell of 

hybrid voters rose with the wind. 

"Aaaaooooorrrooeeeooorrrowwww!" screeched first time voter Wolfie (pictured).  "Vote Hilary!""

When reached by phone in his island laboratory and challenged by AFG as to the ethics of the initiative, Moreau struck back.

"Permit me, Mr. Reporter, to tell you something of the Devil as I've come to know him. I have seen the devil, in the polling numbers that senator Clinton has shown me, and I have chained him."  

According to Moreau, he had grander designs and "wanted to turn animals into humans and humans into gods. But it's instinct and reason, instinct and reason," the Doctor argued.  

"What's reason to a politician?"

Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean offered little more explanation or position, saying only that "To go on two legs is very hard. Perhaps four is better, anyway." 

 

In other related news, Ohio band Devo where allegedly offered the chance to perform at the rally, but refused citing the event as "too devo."  

Bill Clinton had the final word as of this posting, telling a group of frightened African American  children inside a a South Florida church that he could "..take back all that nice stuff I did for y'all when I was President if your parents don't vote for Hilary."  

He also added that his wife would "...prove that you can go out with a whimper - and still win!" 

The seriously fucking pissed off  ghost of Robert Kennedy was unavailable for comment. 

Reached for comment somewhere made somehow less safe by Senator Clinton, Senator Obama would only comment that "I hope, or I could not live...". 

Easter Bunny Reacts To Huckabee Attack

Boca Raton, Florida -- On the eve of the Florida Primaries, The Easter Bunny today struck back at Governor Mike Huckabee, calling him a "Jesus freak and a freak for Jesus", as well as "totally out of touch with today's modern Easterian."

The comments came in the wake of Huckabee's statement at the Florida Republican Debate Thursday night that contested Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq were ..."like easter eggs. Just because you don't find every egg, doesn't mean that it wasn't planted."

The Rabbit, describing himself as the "living embodiment of Easter", explained that Huckabee's comments were a thinly veiled attack upon what he called "the real modern Easter."  He added that he was "as hard as I need to be to have reached this level and to have maintained for so long.  All the while, I've been about something positive in the Easter community."

"Meanwhile, Mike, if that is his real name, is always pushing the revisionist Jesus agenda - I've been under attack by them since the beginning, but clearly this guy wants to kick up an unprecedented wave of rabbit phobia and fur bating. I've already been getting reports of chocolate bunnies with their heads bitten off, urine stained Easter grass - I'm calling on America to stop this - before things get out of hand."

Citing Malcom X and Bruce Lee as "fellow misunderstood visionaries", the rabbit seemed annoyed that he was stuck in Florida because of the attack.

"It's mating season ladies!

This time of year I'm usually with some cotton tails in a triplex stop. Then I heard word through the warren about what was going down, so I hopped my ass on a train down here."

We asked the rabbit about his chain-smoking and fidgety behavior.

"It's the malady of the modern easter bunny. Why do you think he's putting the image of egg bombs in everyone's heads?  We've messed up the status quo and they want it back. It's about the economy - money that could be going to the church is coming our way instead."

When reached by holy vision, Huckabee laughed, refusing to comment, saying only "Shucks, we all know there aint no Easter Bunny..."

Oddly, the Governor was seen leaving shortly afterwards in full hunting gear, instructing the press corps assembled there to "gear up for some tasty wabbit stew. It's wabbit untin' season..."

Reached for comment while in Las Vegas, a surly Bugs Bunny lashed out."  One, there's a frickin' writer's strike on so I aint sayin' shit 'bout nothin'.  And two, I don't need a two cause I'm Bugs Frickin' Bunny! Now get out of here - before I show you what it's like!"

CNN Graphic Comes to Life to Eat Wolf Blitzer

How'd You Get All That (Space) Junk In Your Trunk?

ORLANDO – First NASA officials said Wednesday it will review psychological screening assessments of astronauts after the recent arrest of Lisa Nowak, who is charged with attempted first degree murde of a romantic rival. Now as friends and strangers try to understand what could have caused her crash landing, new shocking clues emerged.

A family statement said Nowak had recently separated from her husband of 19 years, who works at NASA Mission Control. They have a teenage son and young twin daughters. They also added that the son is unusually hairy.

The AP then reported that there had been signs of problems before Nowak's arrest. In November, police were called to Nowak's home near the Johnson Space Center after a neighbor reported hearing the sounds of dishes being thrown inside and animal like grunting and growling, AP reported.

Nowak, a Navy captain, is accused of accosting Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman, 30, in the parking lot of Orlando International Airport early Monday and attacking her with pepper spray. She told police she only wanted to talk with Shipman "...about a great new recipe I found in Women's Astronaut Daily".

Nowak and Shipman were both "in a relationship" with Navy Cmdr. Bill Oefelein, another astronaut, according to a police report of the incident. Nowak told police her relationship with Oefelein was "more than a working relationship, less than a romantic relationship but not necessarily not a relationship type relationship."

But the latest bombshell came as sources revealed that the love triangle was actually a foursome, with Nowak carrying on with an alien wookie creature named Chewbacca.

Jonathan Clark, a friend of Nowak and her husband, appearing on CNN's American Morning, called Nowak "a wonderful, good, caring person" who "was a mother before she was an astronaut. If she hadn't gotten mixed up with that damn wookie, none of this would have happened. Plus once he entered the picture, there were strange balls of hair in the pipes no one could explain. It screwed up the plumbing for the whole neighborhood."

Clark went on to describe an inter-species affair that took both the wookie and Nowak to a galaxy far, far away. The relationship was apparently tumultuous, with Chewbacca unwilling to leave his wookie wife.

Nowak, who has been an astronaut since 1996, flew her first shuttle mission in July, serving as a mission specialist aboard the Discovery. She and crewmate Stephanie Wilson were known as "the robochicks" because of their work with the shuttle's robotic arm. It's now assumed Nowak first encountered Chewbacca on one of her space walks.

Michael Coats, director of NASA's Johnson Space Center in Houston, issued a statement saying Nowak "is officially on 30-day leave and has been removed from flight status and all wookie-related activities."

"We are deeply saddened by this tragic event. The charges against Lisa Nowak are serious ones that must be decided by the interstellar judicial system, in consultation with the Jedi Council," the statement said.

Nowak's family released their statement from their home in Rockville, Maryland which read, in part: "We hope that the public will keep an open mind about what the facts are regarding wookies and that the galactic justice system will be allowed to run its course."

In related news, Depends, maker of adult diapers, has asked Nowak to be their spokesperson. According to President Lee Kee Butts, they plan to tout the brand's "...out of this world leakage protection. I mean, 900 miles is a heck of a long drive without stopping."

Billy Dee Williams was unavailable for comment.

So Fresh and So Clean: Biden Plays Outkast Card!

ATLANTA – Senator Joseph Biden expected to announce his candidacy for President last week to great fanfare, but reporters and supporters got more than they bargained for when Biden instead stirred up a furor by reffering to candidate Barak Obama as "fresh and clean" compared to previous african american candidates.

Today Biden revealed that he was speaking in a vernacular he expected American African Americans to understand.

"I'm down with black people," Biden told reporters, "and I'm down with Outkast. African Americans know that I meant so fresh and so clean (clean). I could have just have easily said he was my nigga, aint none bigga! Black people get me, get used to it!" Biden then dipped hungrily and with ruthless abandon into a bucket of KFC chicken: "See muthafuckas!?"

The Rev. Al Sharpton, reached for comment by AFG, seemed confused by Biden's comments.

"Andre 3000 and I hang all the time at our favorite hair salon in Atlanta and to my knowledge, the band does not think of Joe as their brutha from another mutha, their nigga, or even their homey."

This is only the latest desperate effort by Biden at damage control. On Thursday Biden claimed the statements where actually part of a new comedy routine, originally expected to be unveiled in a alleged forthcoming "The Kings Of White Northeastern Political Comedy" film. When pressed to produce evidence of the film's existence, Biden instead went into his "routine" again for reporters, apparently to prove his point.

"Welcome, ladies and germs...," Biden began. "Take Hilary Clinton...PLEASE! No, seriously folks, how bout that Iraq war policy? We don't get no respect I tell ya, no respect at all."

Things then degenerated into what was reffered to by reporters and attendees as a "madcap rant". Derek Andrews of The Miami Urban League was one of the officials present.

"Was that shit supposed to be funny? Cause I wasn't laughing."

Bush "War Cabinet" Made of Maple

CRAWFORD, Texas – For days the nation has stood in wait as President Bush has spent time with his War Cabinet, assembled to review and plan for the next stages of the Iraqi war.

But today news came that the entire enterprise was a case of mistaken identity. It turns out Bush's enthusiasm is actually for a new piece of furniture he'd bought himself for Christmas.

Bush explained to dumbfounded reporters at his Crawford ranch: "I've been good and Santa got it for me. Y'know, heh, Santa. See, I got a lot of papers and stuff from the war. I need a place to put 'em so I can, y'know, have my libraries and, um, meditate upon my creations. I also got some good war material - historical documents and references - stuff I need to be the decider."

A quick look at the cabinet by AFG revealed numerous copies of DC Comics' Sgt Rock, hand written war meeting doodles and poorly drawn pictures of Condaleza Rice with the word "boobies" scrawled in the margin, a Top Gun DVD, several copies of Mad Libs for Lil Cowboys, and strangely, a Fried Green Tomatoes audio book.

When challenged as to the meetings he had been attending to plan out the future in Iraq, the President seemed confused.

"That's when I'm a cowboy! I tune everything out and I go to my special place."

U.S.A. To Bush: Fuck you!

Desperate Republicans Promise Less Misery In Exchange For Votes

WASHINGTON – Republicans, worried about the future of their party and feeling the sting of voter backlash, have now fallen back upon their ultimate back-up plan - the promise of freedom from further misery, oppression and suffering.

The RNC's Karl Rove announced Wednesday night that the party was "...telling it like it is. It's very simple really - we have two more years running things. You want this the easy way or the hard way? Well, you mess with our control of Congress and we'll see to it the next two years are even worse! Keep us in power - and we'll remember who our friends are. You know we always do."

President Bush himself endorsed the promise tonight at an official fundraiser for Political Action Committee W.H.I.T.E & R.I.C.H. When asked about Rove's comments, Bush added:

"Well, think about it. The Republicans - well, some of 'em disagree with me once in a while. And you know, I even listen to 'em sometimes. But do you think I'm gonna listen to anything the Democrats tell me to do? Heh, heh - you must not know me very well."

"Cause y'know," Bush continued, "I've got all sorts of crazy shit I'm dyin' to try before I leave - and I've never gotten caught up in the whole Constitution thing. I have my own Constitution - and I won't quit.....and the American people understand that listenin' to the quitters is lettin' the terrorists win."

When asked how the party would be able to discern who voted for the Republicans and who didn't for purposes of retribution, the President explained "We know, dammit. You really aren't payin' attention are 'ya?"

Iraqis Asked To Stay Indoors Until Further Notice

BAGHDAD – A general announcement was made in Iraq today asking all Iraqis to stay indoors. The announcement, carried on all radio, tv and internet channels, was read by actor/director Mel Gibson.

The announcement began with with the sound of easy listening jazz, apparently to calm listeners, and then Gibson read:

"Citizens of Iraq, this is Mel Gibson. Yes, that Mel Gibson. Ah – I can hear that many of you have begun firing your weapons in the air – thank you, thank you, that's very heartwarming.

The United States Of America has great news. You have all been given an extended vacation. That's right, it's time to kick back, put your feet up and just O.D. on bad TV – I know I do it. Just catch up on that cleaning up round the house, or the cave, or the rubble or whatever. I have a maid for that – but I can assure you she's illegal so we have a lot in common – we both like stickin' it to the man. And I KNOW you know that's not all we have in common. Um, if this was on tv, you'd see that I'm winking right now."

There was then an on air argument between the producer and Gibson, cullminating with Gibson apparently striking the producer with his microphone while ranting something about "....the Goddamn media - you Jews control it all don't ya?"

Gibson then returned to the broadcast:

"So, anyway, I'm back – and there's just one more thing. If you could do us a total solid and just stay indoors until further notice, that would be so cool. Let us know later when we can do something for you too. The point is, stay indoors. At least until after our elections."

Asked why Gibson was chosen, Lt. Col. Steeltoe Upyoass explained "Well, he made sense. We figured they would trust him because he hates Jews as much as they do. And the Lethal Weapon series is huge here on DVD."

The Anti-Fascist Gazette wishes to acknowledge that this should be the last Mel Gibson piece we do for a while.

Rush Limbaugh On Special Olympics: "Lazy & Unmotivated"

WASHINGTON – After offending all living creatures with his attack on Parkinson's disease sufferer Michael J. Fox, conservative pill-popper and sub-human megaphone Rush Limbaugh yesterday took aim at contestants of the Special Olympics on his daily radio show.

"I went down to the track this weekend to bet on the ponys," Limbaugh began, "and what do I find? A bunch of slow moving 'athletes' using the track and no racing! These people are shameless! And it's obvious they are part of the national conspiracy - the conspiracy to rob us of our precious stem cells that we would otherwise be able to throw in the trash. These stem cells deserve to die with dignity - just like Terry Shiavo - just look at what we did for her."

As if that wasn't enough, Limbaugh also catagorized the competetors as "lazy and clearly unmotivated - maybe if they exercised more they wouldn't have to put on such an act to win!"

A representative of The Special Olympics - who asked to remain anonymous - and who was on site when Limbaugh arrived told AFG the conservative mouth piece was "...clearly irritated and disoriented. We also caught him going through the kid's bags looking for pills!"

The AFG contacted several Special Olympics contestents and most preferred to "ignore the bald fat man."

But Ray, a 34 year old man living with autism told AFG:

"Uh oh! Definetely a major infraction. Rush Limbaugh, definetely an asshole. Of course, Rush Limbaugh is a terrible driver." Ray then excused himself as it was "nearly time for Hannity and Colmes!"

Dick Clark Cadaver to Host New Year's Rockin Eve

NEW YORK CITY - The Cryogenic Foundation today announced another triumph in it's ongoing efforts to preserve the minds and bodies of some of America's most beloved figures.

With funding from Disney's ABC subsidiary, the Foundation has succesfully implanted Dick Clark's cadaver with full animatronic capability. "America and the world will continue to enjoy Dick Clark's talents on New Year's Eve," said Henry Gale, head scientist at the Foundation.

Clark apparently died earlier this year, but Disney kept his death hidden from the public until this week. With this successful animotronic cadaver, ABC will announce Clark's death in advance of the cadaver's appearance in this year's "Rockin Eve."

"We think it will be a great show," said Phil Rosentein, Rockin Eve's producer. "No other New Year's Eve show will be hosted by an animatronic corpse. It's truly historical."

Unfortunately, the Cryogenic Foundation was not able to replicate its success on Walt Disney's corpse, which has been housed there since he died in 1966. "We tried, but his left arm, both ears, and nose fell off," explained Gale. "Even in a super-cooled environment, his body did deteriorate over the years."

Michael Jackson's former lips were unavailable for comment.

Bush Assembles Unprecedented Coalition Of The Unwilling

WASHINGTON – President George Bush today revealed at a press conference that his administration had succeeded where no other had - in uniting the world.

"Today we can tell the world that we hear you. We hear your cries and searing, um, resentment. We feel your united sense of purpose - and we take pride in the knowledge that it was our plan – or lack thereof - that made this possible."

Vice President Cheney confirmed that the facts back up Bush. According to the VP, the current data indicates that the entire world outside the U.S. has found unity and common ground against American policy.

"It's very straightforward you fucking dumb-ass," explained Cheney. "For the first time we see polls indicating that the rest of the world feels in-step on key issues. If that's so hard to understand why don't you go fuck yourself? What the fuck is the 'AFG' anyway?"

Bush explained it was a strong redemption for his Presidency. "The whole wide world - you get the feelin' they're havin' a party out there. I told y'all I was a uniter."

Republicans Clone "White Obama" for '08

WASHINGTON – In the halls of power of Washington, there are few secrets that remain that way forever. Today there is growing talk of just such a secret - and the repurcussions on the political landscape stand to be epochal. More and more sources are coming forward and telling the tale of the "White Obama clone."

This clone is apparently the candidate the GOP is hanging it's hopes on for the 2008 Presidential race. A superhuman demographical jigsaw man made to order.

"Oh, it's definetely happening," one insider informed AFG. "Karl Rove and his henchman extracted a DNA sample from Obama at a fundraiser and have been working in an underground facility to create a white version of the Senator using an advanced form of cloning, surrogate mothering and dark occult practices."

One scientist who left the program over "deep ethical concerns" explained how the process works: "They took a DNA percentage of various people - they have Reagan's hair, John McCain's war wounds, Barry Goldwater's 'gut,' Dick Cheney's manners - it's a genetic soup really."

But it was apparently California Governor Arnold Schwarzeneger's DNA that made up a good amount of the final formula. According to sources, the party is thrilled with the prospect of having "a version of the Arnold that thinks exactly like us at last."

Reports also indicate DNA from Richard Nixon's toe was included so that "we wouldn't have Nixon to kick around anymore..."

The anonymous scientist also unloaded one last bombshell - Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter Mary Cheney carried the child to term. "She took one for the team. I think she sees it as a way to put the past behind her and start fresh. It's also possible they are drugging her. Either way, it worked out."

In March, a suspicious character – who looked much like Obama – was seen milling about a White House reception until approached by Rove who escorted him out of the room. One attendee overheard Rove say, "you have to stay in the basement" and "yes, we will bring you more jellybeans" to the Obama look-alike.

As to how a child born just a few years ago will be old enough to run for President in '08 – apparently the GOP has that covered. One source who had been approached in assisting is Damien Hellstrom of Salem, MA. According to Hellstrom, a self described "life-long agent of Satan and his works," Karl Rove approached him about assisting in an ancient ritual that can make a child age to full maturity in mere hours.

"Yes, the one you call 'Rove' came to me. He sought my unholy aid to create this Demonobama. I explained that I could not partcipate in this act."

Hellstrom told us he turned down Rove because 'THAT guy is just plain evil."

Dr. Strange was occupied gazing into The Eye Of Agamato and was unavailable for comment.

"Assman" Revealed! Holy Joementum!

HARTFORD – The Superhero known as "Assman" to the citizens of this Connecticut capital city revealed himself today to a large crowd of unsuspecting citizens, who quickly beat him senseless.

The formerly masked crusader has terrorized the state of Connecticut since the summer with asinine, illogical comments.

Assman burst on to the scene in August, when his sidekick Joementum lost a contest fair and square in the Nutmeg State. Joementum picked up his JoePhone and called Assman for help. "Help Assman! I need you!"

Assman's response was swift. "DO NOT FEAR: ASSMAN IS HERE!" he bellowed to the citizens of Connecicut as he stepped off a MetroNorth train in Stamford. "My three clients in Brooklyn won't miss me," Assman declared. "Plus, two of them don't pay me anyway."

Assman had a plan for Joementum as soon as he stepped off the train: "Let's cheat!"

A key part of Assman's plan was a "Reeducation Initiative."

"CITIZENS OF CONNECTICUT: THE SUN SETS IN THE EAST!" Assman shouted across the state in early September. "If you think otherwise then you are with the terrorists."

"PEOPLE OF THIS FINE STATE: WE MUST NEVER FORGET THE LESSONS OF 9/11 – SO WE MUST KEEP SCREWING UP IRAQ!"

Bill Johnson, a lumber yard foreman in Danbury, commented at the time: "What the f*ck is this assh*le talking about? If I ever see that son of a b*tch I will break him in half."

Johnson and others got their chance to beat Assman into a bloody pulp when he made an appearance in downtown Hartford this morning. Outfitted in a trendy trenchcoat, Assman pulled off his mask to reveal himself to the gathering crowd.

"Kill him!" was heard from the crowd as it moved on Assman. Several minutes into the brutal attack, Assman escaped into a nearby alley.

"This just proves my point," Assman explained. "People are getting my message of unity and purpose."

Fear, Heartbreak and Dissolutionment New National Pastimes

EUGENE, OR - A report issued today by the National Institute of Analysis revealed that more Americans are making time to lose hope.

Institute President Bob Toast explained: "What we're seeing here is that Americans, in general, are showing a remarkable shift in their leisure time. Whereas before pastimes like baseball, music, love, football and sex seemed important, now they are more devoted to hobbies like fear, heartbreak and dissolutionment."

According to statistics shown to AFG, many Americans site "that fucking asshole in the White House" as a large influence, while "the seering misery of human existence in the 21st century" also scored big points. When asked what remaining hopes they did have, Americans responded most enthusiastically for "meaningless sex and a quick and flamboyant death."

White House Homeland Security Director Frances Fragos Townsend described the finding as "welcome news." Fragos explained that "unless we are stricken with fear and loathing, we as a country will never be prepared for the terrorists' next move. That's why we must not cut and run in Iraq."

In related news, musician Bobby McFerrin has re-recorded his hit "Don't Worry, Be Happy" with new lyrics and the title "Better Give Up, Life's Crappy":

Here is a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it mope for mope
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
In every life we think we shed trouble
Well I'm here to break your bubble
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy...

Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
The land lord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
Look at me I feel like shit
Its time to call out my own hit
Here I give you my address
Tell the assasin to make me worry less
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy

Bush Names Popeye Secretary Of Agriculture

WALLA WALLA - Hot on the heels of the e-coli outbreak that has led to the recall of spinach nationwide, President Bush has sprung to action, announcing that animated character Popeye will assume duties as Secretary of the Department of Agriculture.

"Against the forces of evil bacteria, Popeye is strong to the finish," Bush explained from an airtight containment chamber in Washington. "I've been assured by my advisors Hanna and Barbara that this is the guy for the job," adding "ug, ug, ug, ug, ug."

When challenged as to the actual existence of Popeye, Bush accused reporters of "...animated Fascism. We'll see if you say that 'bout 'em when Deputy Dawg is keeping our borders safe!"

Bush then explained that other animated characters were up for various positions in his administration. "Screwy Squirrel, that fella, he's unpredictable. Kooky. Elusive. I reckon that's the kind of fella we need runnin' the CIA."

Bush also announced that he has been informed that "Magilla Gorilla is for sale" and that this made him "...ideal for a key position in Defense. My buddies at Halliburton are gonna like the way he thinks!"

Olive Oyl, currently in treatment at an undisclosed location for an eating disorder, was unavailable for comment - while Bluto is busy "getting our torture policy sorted out," according to Bush.