Desperate Republicans Promise Less Misery In Exchange For Votes

WASHINGTON – Republicans, worried about the future of their party and feeling the sting of voter backlash, have now fallen back upon their ultimate back-up plan - the promise of freedom from further misery, oppression and suffering.

The RNC's Karl Rove announced Wednesday night that the party was "...telling it like it is. It's very simple really - we have two more years running things. You want this the easy way or the hard way? Well, you mess with our control of Congress and we'll see to it the next two years are even worse! Keep us in power - and we'll remember who our friends are. You know we always do."

President Bush himself endorsed the promise tonight at an official fundraiser for Political Action Committee W.H.I.T.E & R.I.C.H. When asked about Rove's comments, Bush added:

"Well, think about it. The Republicans - well, some of 'em disagree with me once in a while. And you know, I even listen to 'em sometimes. But do you think I'm gonna listen to anything the Democrats tell me to do? Heh, heh - you must not know me very well."

"Cause y'know," Bush continued, "I've got all sorts of crazy shit I'm dyin' to try before I leave - and I've never gotten caught up in the whole Constitution thing. I have my own Constitution - and I won't quit.....and the American people understand that listenin' to the quitters is lettin' the terrorists win."

When asked how the party would be able to discern who voted for the Republicans and who didn't for purposes of retribution, the President explained "We know, dammit. You really aren't payin' attention are 'ya?"