"Assman" Revealed! Holy Joementum!

HARTFORD – The Superhero known as "Assman" to the citizens of this Connecticut capital city revealed himself today to a large crowd of unsuspecting citizens, who quickly beat him senseless.

The formerly masked crusader has terrorized the state of Connecticut since the summer with asinine, illogical comments.

Assman burst on to the scene in August, when his sidekick Joementum lost a contest fair and square in the Nutmeg State. Joementum picked up his JoePhone and called Assman for help. "Help Assman! I need you!"

Assman's response was swift. "DO NOT FEAR: ASSMAN IS HERE!" he bellowed to the citizens of Connecicut as he stepped off a MetroNorth train in Stamford. "My three clients in Brooklyn won't miss me," Assman declared. "Plus, two of them don't pay me anyway."

Assman had a plan for Joementum as soon as he stepped off the train: "Let's cheat!"

A key part of Assman's plan was a "Reeducation Initiative."

"CITIZENS OF CONNECTICUT: THE SUN SETS IN THE EAST!" Assman shouted across the state in early September. "If you think otherwise then you are with the terrorists."

"PEOPLE OF THIS FINE STATE: WE MUST NEVER FORGET THE LESSONS OF 9/11 – SO WE MUST KEEP SCREWING UP IRAQ!"

Bill Johnson, a lumber yard foreman in Danbury, commented at the time: "What the f*ck is this assh*le talking about? If I ever see that son of a b*tch I will break him in half."

Johnson and others got their chance to beat Assman into a bloody pulp when he made an appearance in downtown Hartford this morning. Outfitted in a trendy trenchcoat, Assman pulled off his mask to reveal himself to the gathering crowd.

"Kill him!" was heard from the crowd as it moved on Assman. Several minutes into the brutal attack, Assman escaped into a nearby alley.

"This just proves my point," Assman explained. "People are getting my message of unity and purpose."

Fear, Heartbreak and Dissolutionment New National Pastimes

EUGENE, OR - A report issued today by the National Institute of Analysis revealed that more Americans are making time to lose hope.

Institute President Bob Toast explained: "What we're seeing here is that Americans, in general, are showing a remarkable shift in their leisure time. Whereas before pastimes like baseball, music, love, football and sex seemed important, now they are more devoted to hobbies like fear, heartbreak and dissolutionment."

According to statistics shown to AFG, many Americans site "that fucking asshole in the White House" as a large influence, while "the seering misery of human existence in the 21st century" also scored big points. When asked what remaining hopes they did have, Americans responded most enthusiastically for "meaningless sex and a quick and flamboyant death."

White House Homeland Security Director Frances Fragos Townsend described the finding as "welcome news." Fragos explained that "unless we are stricken with fear and loathing, we as a country will never be prepared for the terrorists' next move. That's why we must not cut and run in Iraq."

In related news, musician Bobby McFerrin has re-recorded his hit "Don't Worry, Be Happy" with new lyrics and the title "Better Give Up, Life's Crappy":

Here is a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it mope for mope
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
In every life we think we shed trouble
Well I'm here to break your bubble
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy...

Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
The land lord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy
Look at me I feel like shit
Its time to call out my own hit
Here I give you my address
Tell the assasin to make me worry less
Better Give Up, Life's Crappy

Bush Names Popeye Secretary Of Agriculture

WALLA WALLA - Hot on the heels of the e-coli outbreak that has led to the recall of spinach nationwide, President Bush has sprung to action, announcing that animated character Popeye will assume duties as Secretary of the Department of Agriculture.

"Against the forces of evil bacteria, Popeye is strong to the finish," Bush explained from an airtight containment chamber in Washington. "I've been assured by my advisors Hanna and Barbara that this is the guy for the job," adding "ug, ug, ug, ug, ug."

When challenged as to the actual existence of Popeye, Bush accused reporters of "...animated Fascism. We'll see if you say that 'bout 'em when Deputy Dawg is keeping our borders safe!"

Bush then explained that other animated characters were up for various positions in his administration. "Screwy Squirrel, that fella, he's unpredictable. Kooky. Elusive. I reckon that's the kind of fella we need runnin' the CIA."

Bush also announced that he has been informed that "Magilla Gorilla is for sale" and that this made him "...ideal for a key position in Defense. My buddies at Halliburton are gonna like the way he thinks!"

Olive Oyl, currently in treatment at an undisclosed location for an eating disorder, was unavailable for comment - while Bluto is busy "getting our torture policy sorted out," according to Bush.

Et Tu, Ginsu®?

WASHINGTON – In a time when knives seem to be on everyone's hit list - with bans on airlines and in schools – the ancient weapon has taken yet another blow with the death of knife capitialist Arthur Schiff, inventor of the Ginsu®.

Schiff, who died of lung cancer last week in Coral Springs, Fla., at 66, was a businessman who almost single-handedly invented the style and despairing manipulative power of direct response TV. Among the scourges he unleashed were the "amazing" Steakhouse Onion Machine®, the "miraculous" Ambervision® sunglasses and the "revolutionary" Shiwala® car mop.

In an unexpected turn of events, President Bush reacted with a press conference, calling for the "immediate confiscation of all Ginsu® knives."

"The Emperor has died," Bush announced. "Emperor Ginsu. And now we can safely ban this, the most dangerous of all knives, without fear of offending the Japanese people. It's a surrender - with honor. Just like WW Two."

When asked by a reporter if this "knife control" will lead to expanded gun control, Bush responded: "Hell no."

"You see, guns don't kill people, knives do," explained Bush.

Bush called on all Americans to relinquish Ginsu® knives in their posession at once. "We've all seen the training videos, on late at night - late at night when freedom is taking a nap," he explained. "I know I have. I've seen 'em cut through a tin can like it was hot butter!"

"But wait, there's more," Bush added, producing evidence of the existence of a "knife training manual" entitled The Wisdom of Ginsu.

"It also says that in Japan the hand can be used as a knife. And we're lookin' into that. Got my top Orientals on it."

Jim and Buzz were unavailable for comment.

You've Got Questions. We've Got Death.

NEW YORK – Not content with just firing employees via e-mail, the Radio Shack corporation today sent 200 other employees a new e-mail – this one notifying them of their deaths.

Sources confirmed to AFG that the e-mail was proceeded by a special package that employees were instructed to open upon receipt of the e-mail. The e-mail was forwarded to AFG:

The work force reduction notification is currently in progress. Unfortunately your existence is one that has been eliminated.

Radio Shack regrets to inform you that you have died. Please take the special stress relief tablets we have sent you.

You may subsequently experience a floating sensation. Shortly thereafter, all your troubles will feel as if they've just melted away.

A spokesperson for Radio Shack who spoke to us on condition of anonymity explained "this is isn't easy for us either. We have HR people with all sorts of repetitive motion injuries from hitting 'send'. And then there's the cost of corpse removal!"

Customers shopping at the 23rd street Radio Shack in NYC had mixed reactions.

Jim Heff, a self described "Hacker - to the EXTREME!" told AFG that "..this is an outrage. I came here today to get a XLR-USB adaptor so that I can synchronise my online and video porn with my new HD screen and my Hustler FEM BOT. But if this is how Radio Shack sees the common man, I may just have to take my business to J and R!"

Others were less concerned. Tom Dresden of Sweatshops International saw the move as "smart business sense."

"They did the right thing - they told these people - look, you're dead. Sometimes someone has just got to have the guts - and the love of freedom - to step up and to tell them the truth. I just pray that when my time comes I'm allowed the same dignity in death."

Spartacus and John Ball, joined together in the midst of an eternal intellectual struggle in the afterlife, were subsquently unavailable for comment.

Great Churchill's Ghost!!

THE ECTOPLASMIC DIMENSION - Hundreds of witnesses in both the UK and US reported seeing the ghost of long deceased former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill. And according to eye witnesses Churchill isn't here to reminisce.

"He's not at all a happy ghost," explained eyewitness Dora Pepperpot of London. "I always heard how charming he had been, but now he's quite angry. He kept going on about that Rumsfeld fellow - shouting 'enough is enough' and that he was going to do something very graphic to Rumsfeld with a scale model of the QEII."

Apparently Churchill's ghost then made his way to Rumsfeld's Pentagon office where he attempted to swallow his soul. This proved even more frustrating when Churchill found it was "spoken for."

According to an aide who witnessed the "terrifying" experience, the ghost expected to exact revenge for Rumsfeld's evoking his name in the Iraq conflict.

"We're used to seeing angry ghost's round here - I mean Reagan and Lincoln are PISSED! But this was the first ambassador type ghostly visit. I must say, however, it's true what they say about the English being very well spoken - even his obscenities had a certain class."

Rumsfeld was unfazed, suggesting Churchill "just give it some time."

Rumsfeld then began to queestion Churchill's "..committment to freedom. Maybe all that serving God in heaven stuff has made you soft on Fascism?" At this point Churchill apparently became so frustrated he took flight, explaining that he was having a hard time even tracking down current British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

"They've got him hidden in a lead box somewhere or something," Churchill told witnesses, "but he has to come out eventually and then I'm going to get World War Two on his ass!"

After repeated suggestions by Ray Parker, Jr., AFG's attempts to contact Ghostbusters Inc. were unanswered.

La Kookoo Bastard

EL PASO, TX – To any casual obsever walking the city streets of this Texas town, it's business as usual. While media-hyped tensions over immigration continue to mount, residents here say there's work to be done and little time to ponder when immigration issues will be addressed by the U.S. government.

So it's easy to understand why they might not recognize one face among the many Mariachi bands that play for change on the city streets – the face of CNN's Lou Dobbs.

Yes, Dobbs has taken his obsessive fight against illegal immigration to a new level, infiltrating the Mexican-American community by posing as a Mariachi musican.

"When first I saw him, I just thought he was a particularily ugly light skinned Latino," explained Salvador Perez. "But then Pedro told me he was that fat bastard from the television!"

AFG attempted to communicate with Dobbs but the CNN commentator refused to acknowledge his true identity. Dobbs would only say, "Yo no speako Englisho" in response to our questions.

A CNN representative did acknowledge that "Lou is on America's other frontline – deep under cover – rooting out those who have taken advantage of our broken borders.

"Robert Rodriguez, maverick director of the the fim "El Mariachi", was unimpressed with Dobb's efforts, weighing in from the set of his new film, "Tequila, Orgías Y Explosiones."

"If I was directing him, he'd have screwed seven prostitutes, blown up a canteena and spat in the boss man's face by now! That's infiltration."

New Atlantis: Bush Declares Victory In New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS – President George Bush today made a brief stop to announce to residents - and to the world - that the U.S. had achieved "victory in New Orleans."

"It's now been over a year since an attack by a hurricane on the city. That's over a year. And that's over a year of freedom - freedom for, uh, brackish water. And to eventually have, in some parts now, electricity. The hurricanes - they hate freedom. But liberty will prevail."

Bush went on to describe the worst hit parts of the city as "wonderfully exotic since the attack. They've really turned it around. And you can see that, in many cases - they prefer this almost aquatic environment. It's like a kinda New Atlantis. People are drinkin' and gamblin' - it looks to me like they're havin' a heck of a time."

"In the global war on weather, FEMA has accomplished it's mission. Our nation's precious coastlines are once again safe under the government's vigiliant and unblinking eye." Bush then paused to exchange a secret handshake with God.

When pressed to elaborate on how residents had evolved, Bush was quick to add that he was refering to "Mutations, just mutations. Y'know, not evolution but more like that Shaun Cassidy TV show."

Mayor Ray Nagin was notably subdued during the visit, leading some to speculate had been "drugged for the occasion."

Spike Lee, reached for comment in Brooklyn, invited the President to "jog naked through Harlem" at his earliest opportunity.

Mel Gibson Swears to Offend Entire Muslim World

MALIBU, California - The increasingly insane Mel Gibson today announced he will pay a personal pennance for recent anti-Jewish remarks by rededicating himself to offending Muslims everywhere just as badly.

"This is the least I can do. God told me - this is your spiritual community service," said Gibson.

Gibson plans to tell the "true" story of Lawrence Of Arabia, "a story of a cultured, Christian man driven to hedonism and homosexuality by dirty Arabs."

Gibson explained that Lawrence' rape at the hands of Turkish prison officials will be shot on 64 camera High Definition Digital Holy Vision (HDDHV). Kirk Cameron will play Lawrence.

"Until you see these dirty penises entering him from every imaginable angle, how can you understand the true nature of Arabs?"

Of additional interest is news that Gibson has already set his sights on his next project, one that might bring more controversy.

Reached for comment via a publicist, Gibson's co-star in the "Lethal Weapon" series, Danny Glover, confirmed that he had been approached by Gibson about a part in another upcoming Gibson film. "He wants me to play Moses in a musical version of the Ten Commandments called 'A Perfect Ten.'"

"The script is odd," noted Glover. "It portays Pharoah as a victim of the Jews. He wants to free the slaves but the Jews are pressuring him to keep themselves enslaved."

Glover provided AFG with an excerpt from the script that reads as follows:

PHAROAH: This Moses wants you to be free.

CROWD OF JEWS: No!

PHAROAH: But he says "let my people go!"

CROWD OF JEWS: No way! We want to stay in slavery!

[CAMERA PANS FROM CROWD TO CRYING PHAROAH]

PHAROAH: But I don't want to keep enslaving you!

CROWD OF JEWS: Enslave us! Enslave us! Enslave us!

When reached for comment, Gibson's publicist said "How do you know it didn't happen like that?"

"Mel wants to show how Moses saved the Jews from themselves. It was very heroic."

They'd Like To Buy The World (A Coke)

EARTH – It has been known for weeks now that if astronomers approve a newly proposed planet definition next week, asteroid Ceres and Pluto's moon Charon will both become planets. But today astronomers revealed that other changes were in store. Apparently through a convergence of bizarre scientific reclassification and a shortage of funds, celestial objects are becoming available for corporate sponsorship.

"Eventually our the moon will have to be reclassified as a planet," said Gregory Laughlin, an extrasolar planet researcher at the University of California, Santa Cruz, who described himself as currently "ass deep in hookers and blow with all the money I just scored."

The new definition, proposed this week by the International Astronomical Union (IAU), basically says every round object orbiting the sun is a planet, unless it orbits another planet. But there is a big caveat: for the right amount of money, they'll call it whatever the hell you want. One such agreement elevates Pluto's moon Charon to "The ESPN Zone," an idea some astronomers have criticized.

For readers keeping track, Earth's moon (soon to be tagged "Coca Colastronomy" according to the IAU) was born in a catastrophic collision more than four billion years ago. It started out very close to the planet but has been moving away ever since. It's currently drifting away about 1.5 inches (3.74 centimeters) every year, a key point within new classification standards.

"If the Earth and moon do survive, then the gravitational barycenter will eventually move outside the Earth as the moon recedes," Laughlin told BARELYLEGALSCIENCECOEDS.com. "At that point the Moon would be promoted to planetary status. What would we call it? This way the issue is taken care of ahead of time and we avoid a sudden crisis."

None of this would occur for a few billion years. And Earth and the moon would have to survive a host of remote catastrophe scenarios along with the predicted swelling of the sun into a red giant, which Laughlin and others have previously said might engulf and vaporize our planet (although he is quick to add that such catastrophes "are also on the table for negotiation.")

Astronomers expect to find hundreds of Pluto-sized objects in the outer solar system and the bidding is on, Laughlin explained.

Even highly ambulatory objects are eligible for sponsorship, as Comet X-47 has recently been renamed "Amazon.comet."

A vote on the new definition is scheduled for August 24 at the IAU meeting to be formerly held in Prague, but that has since been moved to a high end resort in Austria due to "newly relaxed finances."

But the world stands ready, with Discovery Channel Store spokeswoman Pamela Rucker predicting new coorporate-named planet toys could be in stores in time for the Christmas season.

In related news, Jack Horkeimer has suspended his trademark "Keep watching the stars!" closing. The astronomer explained to AFG, "I don't know what the fuck to call anything anymore..."

Holiday In Cambodia Interrupted

BOULDER, Colorado – After first laying to rest the 10-year mystery of who killed JonBenet Ramsey, another stunning admission came Friday from John Mark Karr in Bangkok, Thailand - that he killed President John F. Kennedy.

"I loved JFK. It was an accident," Karr told a rabid mob of hungry flesh eating jackals assembled by the local police for the occasion.

Boulder police were also quick to act, handing down indictments by breakfast. According to several sources within the investigation, the police have obtained evidence from chat room conversations between Karr and Senator Edward Kennedy where Karr confessed to have "...killed your brother. I was there when he died."

Citing rules she "remembers reading at law school" and the ongoing investigation, Boulder District Attorney Mary Lacy declined to discuss what evidence, other than Karr's post-arrest admissions and the fact he is "clearly a sick fuck" linked him to the 6-year-old beauty queen or the Kennedy assassination.

In related news, Karr has gone through two stylists due to "creative differences" since his arrest.

Jello Biafra was unavailable for comment.

Bush Administration Eases "Human" Requirements for Military Enlistment

WASHINGTON – The Bush administration today yet again lowered requirements for US military service, specifically removing the rule that enlistment must be "human."

Bush, flanked by representatives of this new military force, expressed great excitement over the new candidates: "I've let the word go forth, at this place and time, to circuses, zoos, freak shows and mad scientists - your country needs you."

"For instance, there are many a primate that live among us performing useful tasks, both at home and abroad. We need 'em." Bush added.

Sen. Jack Reed (D-RI) commented that this "might explain Rumsfeld."

Bush suggests this is just the beginning, and that his efforts to find life on other planets "could provide untold armies for the fight against global terror."

Billy Johnston, the head of personnel for the Department of Defense and a self-described "huge Star Wars fan," explained that the Pentagon is also looking into cloning a skilled bounty hunter and "replicating hundreds of thousands of war fighters from this single humanoid."

"Another option in the works is a droid army, but that is only in the conceptual phase," revealed Johnston. "I made several drawings and sent it to Lockheed-Martin as well as the Skywalker Ranch."

Hezbollah Hillbillies Relocate To Beverly Hills

TYRE, Lebanon and BEVERLY HILLS, California – A once poor Lebanese family has landed in Beverly Hills after striking oil in their homeland.

According to Jedba Azaz, relatives and friends instructed him that "...California is the place you ought to be. So we loaded up the camel and we moved to Beverly. Hills, that is."

The Azaz family were launching rockets toward Israel when an Israeli artllery shell landed in their yard. "After the explosion from the Zionist bomb, we saw a giant black fountain come up from the Earth," said an exuberant Jedba Azaz. "Priase Allah!"

Neighbors told Azaz to call a company called Halliburton, which promptly sent a representative to their war-ravaged village. "This nice American woman Mrs. Hathaway gave us one million U.S. dollars and visas to the United States," said Azaz. "Praise Allah."

The Azaz family is settling in nicely in Beverly Hills and enjoying the Los Angeles atmosphere. "The best thing for us now is that we do not have to live near the Jews," boasted Hizna Azaz, Jedba's wife.

The family is also apparently in discussions about a reality TV series, according to LA talent agency Dershowitz, Mendlebaum and Katz.

Bush's "Sensual Massage"

NEW YORK -- An impromptu sensual massage that President George W. Bush gave German Chancellor Angela Merkel has led to calls for Bush to change his professional occupation - and to get laid.

A 5-second video and series of photographs recently posted on YouTube.com and various blogs show Bush surprising Merkel at the G-8 Summit by quickly rubbing the back of her neck, shoulders, inner thighs, feet and genetalia. The chancellor immediately leans back in her chair, begins moaning, throws her legs up and shouts "Yes, yes!" then appears to be dissapointed as Bush walks away.

"It appears we've found something he's good at," commented Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean. "I think sensual massage is his true calling."

Earlier this week, AFG reported Bush was recorded using sexual language while discussing the Mideast with British Prime Minister Tony Blair. All of which is also causing world leaders to ask whether or not the President is getting enough at home. "We all saw what happened with Clinton when he wasn't getting satisfied," explained an anonymous White House source.

Even actor John Travolta, vacationing on Scientologist Island, weighed in. "I'm feeling kind of tired myself - I could use a foot massage..."

Bush to NAACP: "Some Of My Best Soldiers Are Black!"

WASHINGTON – In his first speech to the NAACP after a five-year boycott of the civil rights group, President Bush boasted that "some of my best soldiers are black."

"I tell our recruiters to seek out black folks out for our military," said Bush. "I want them on the front lines in Iraq. If that's not having faith in America's African Americans, I don't know what is!"

As the audience sat in stunned silence, NAACP official Benjamin Hooks told the AFG that "this is very awkward."

"When it comes to dismantling roadside bombs, I tell the commanders to send the colored troops out to do that," boasted Bush. "I have no problem with quotas when it comes to this.....these brownies are doin' a heck of a job!"

When asked by reporters what other positions Bush endorses for Afrcian Americans, he responded that he found that "...they make great bartenders too. Plus they can sing up a storm. Like a hurricane. Actually, um, scratch that comparison"

The Rev. Jesse Jackson told AFG he attempted to give the President some advice before Bush took the stage, suggesting he "try not to say anything stupid."

Sources indicate that advice fell on deaf ears.

V.P. Cheney Literally Throws Mother Under Train

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an unprecedented expression of loyalty to the Republican Party, Vice President Dick Cheney threw his mother under a train today.

The incident occured at a fundraiser hosted by a political action commitee called "Billionaires For A Fatter 2%." PAC Chairman I. M. Rich offered Cheney and the Republican Party $1 million if Cheney would throw his mother under the 11:15 PM Acela Amtrak train to NYC.

"I'll take that offer!" Cheney immediately responded, instructing his driver to "fetch Mom" right away.

Thirty minutes later, at an impromptu ceremony at Union Station, Cheney threw his mother under the train. Cheney's mother was sanguine over the event when interviewed just before her death.

"Dick explained that this is necessary, for freedom - and so we don't have to fight the terrorists at home," she commented before being lifted in the air and tossed onto the tracks by the VP.

The funeral will be held at the Halliburton Cemetary that is under construction in downtown Washington. The VP's office refused to comment on reports that the $1 million will be mostly used to pay Halliburton for the funeral.

Bush Showers Blair With Golden Expletives

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia – U.S. President George W. Bush expressed his affection by using bawdy expletives and entendre in comments to British Prime Minister Tony Blair at the G8 summit in St. Petersburg Monday.

Not realizing his remarks were being picked up by a microphone at the summit of world leaders, Bush bluntly expressed his love and desire for Blair.

"See, what I really wanna do is, heh, locate your weapons of mass destruction. And then, heh, I'm gonna (expletive) you with my G8 in your (expletive)," Bush told Blair in a discussion before the Group of Eight leaders began their lunch.

Bush's remarks were picked up by the summit's closed-circuit television, which was filming the leaders sitting down to eat freshly slain protestors.

Normally, the terrifying images are transmitted with sound that does not allow reporters to pick out individual screams. But in this case a microphone picked up Bush's comments to Blair.

That microphone was placed there by amateur detective Melvin Melshowitz of Brooklyn, NY, who explained, "What's the big deal already? I got it out of a magazine from J and R!"

Blair's remarks were not as clearly heard due to the ancient brain scrambling amulet he carries at all times by sacred decree. But the Prime Minister appeared to be pressing Bush about the importance of getting his "international peacekeepers" into Blair's "region".

Fanta! Fanta! Everybody Fanta! Fanta!

SEATTLE, WA – FBI officials today revealed details of a major sting operation revolving around a Fanta Soda employee's efforts to sell the long coveted secret formula for Fanta Cherry.

Chief Investigator Pea Rhatton was effervescent over the bust. "We've been engaged in a clandestine operation with one Andrea Millis - until today in the Flava Development Dept. at Fanta. We posed as employees of Sprite Incorporated. Ms. Millis offered to 'switch to Sprite, cause it's got Lymon' if we paid 1 million dollars for the secret formula. We immediately contacted the actual corporations involved and they cooperated fully."

Co-workers were in a state of shock. "This is such a blow," explained chief bottling manager and self described "mood fluffer" Rich Harrison. "We're a family here. This is like taking a steel shank and plunging it into my anus, you know? Metaphorically."

And of course the question on everyone's lips had to be, "Where are The Fantanas Girls through all this?"

According to an anonymous Fanta executive, the girls were "Safe. They have been rushed to an undisclosed location. We've already lost our innocence here today. If we lost the girls too, well, I can't even think about that."

Both Mr. Pibb and Dr. Pepper refused to comment. Pepper is currently in his latest rehab stay while Pibb is leading an all soul review in Harlem.

Bush To Open Southfork Ranch to Drilling

SOUTH FORK RANCH, Dallas, Texas – In a move sure to anger locals and Ellie Mae Ewing alike, President Bush today signed legislation opening the South Fork Ranch to oil drilling.

With Ewing Oil CEO J.R. Ewing at his side, Bush said, "I've said it many times, greater exploration is the key to bringing down gas prices – right J.R.?"

Mr. Ewing grinned and told reporters, "That's right W. That's right."

Back at the ranch, Bobby Ewing held a press conference in his shower to proclaim that "J.R. has really done it this time. I mean what would Daddy say if he were here today?" Bobby abruptly left the press conference naked and drove to Knotts Landing in search of help from his idiot cousin Gary.

Meanwhile, rumors circulated of a planned hunting trip at South Fork with Vice President Dick Cheney this past May that sealed the deal. J.R. agreed the trip was a positive one: "That fella could shoot the hair off a tick - if you got the tick to just sit still long enough."

When asked by reporters if he checked with other members of the Ewing family before authorizing drilling, Bush said, "I called Patrick Ewing and he said he didn't care."

Sue Ellen Ewing was too drunk to comment.

God To Earth: "Get Over Yourself"

THE ARCTIC ZONE – God appeared today in a melting glacier to tell scientists and locals gathered there that, among other things, he's "had it."

"It was pretty unexpected," explained French global climate expert Jacques Jacquet. "One minute, we are watching the ice flow - and then, there he is. God. He looked pretty good - I am pretty sure he was French."

But shock turned to fear when God let loose a series of angry condemnations.

"He was pissed off! He kept talking about 'I'll show you a burning Bush,' and so on. Apparently he is very close with Santa Claus and likes to vacation up here. Except apparently, Mr. Claus now needs a submarine. He is not pleased about this."

Residents of Anchorage, Alaska are complaining that God has been creating lurid snow sculptures all over their region. Wilma St. Johns, a homemaker, said that God's actions "are sick and he needs to cut it out."

God apparently is indeed not happy and was described as "so nasty!" by local fisherman Sven Meddlonger. "I mean, how many thousand years and what does he tell us? 'Get over yourselves.' How is that enlightenment? Come to think of it, he looked a little like Al Gore back when he had that beard..."

The White House wasted no time in issuing a statement, with Bush saying in a press conference that the God seen in the Arctic was "...clearly some other God. Maybe Norse. They like it cold. Them Norses. Norses for courses they say. Like Thor. Probably Odin. Y'know, tryin to get in touch with Thor. Heh. Or maybe one o' them Gods that Tom Cruise is talkin about. Them imaginary alien Gods."

Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment due to a self-rightousness related injury.

Hasselhoff Hair Horror Has Him Hurried To Hospital

LONDON, England -- Former "Baywatch" star David Hasselhoff had surgery after his hair exploded in an accident in a London gym bathroom, his spokeswoman said Friday.

The 53-year-old actor, who played lifeguard Mitch Buchannon on the TV beach drama for 11 glorious years, was shaving his legs at a gym in the Sanderson Hotel on Thursday when his hair exploded, his publicist, Eva Katz, said.

Doctors operated to repair the injury and Hasselhoff spent one night at St. Thomas' Hospital in central London, Katz said.

"He's fine," Katz said by phone from New York. "We keep a stand-by head of hair in a lab in case of an emergency like this. He's out of the hospital and will resume filming tomorrow."

According to Katz, Hasselhoff is working on an ad for Knight Industries "Don't Mention The War" campaign promoting German tourism.

KITT was unavailable for comment.

Bush Recommends Supporters "Seek High Ground"

PASCAGOULA, Miss. – Republican supporters in Florida, Louisiana, and other Gulf Coast states were treated to an urgent pre-taped call from the President Saturday night. The call was made by an automated system out of Texas from noon until 9 PM.

"This is your President...", the message began. "As one of my strongest supporters, you have earned a special place in my heart. And you've earned a reward. And here it is - insider information. Top secret stuff - y'know, that only the deciders get to know. "

Bush then revealed the warning he had decided to share.

"There's a storm comin. A hurricane. Maybe a couple even. Apparently there's a 'season'. A storm season. And you need to know - it's started. SO, my advice - before the other folks find out - is to, um, seek the high ground. Get on up there. Seek it. Like the Scriptures say, 'seek and thout shall find," or somethin', and that's what I'm saying. Seek that high ground and you'll, you'll find it."

There was then a brief sound of clattering and barking - apparently Bush had called for one of the White House pets in the midst of the taping.

"Good dog! Good boy! Yes - who's a good first dog, huh? Who's the leader of the free, um, dog world?"

Bush then returned to the message: "In closing, should a hurricane occur, you know you can count on state and local officials. We've got a lot more body bags ready this time."

Dean Invites Clinton, Kerry, Gore to "Lock In"

WASHINGTON DC – A personal invitation has surfaced from Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean to Sen. Hilary Clinton, John Kerry and former Vice President Al Gore. The invitation asks the trio to join Dean for a "lock in meeting, to be held in a secret underground facility."

"You three are clearly the future of the Democratic party - and we must give the people what they want. Hence this lock-in. If I run a little late, please just go on down there and make yourselves comfortable. I'll be back in a couple of um, hours. And have some food, something to drink - there's enough stuff down there to last several years."

Reports suggest that all three leading Democratic candidates for the next Presidential election are attending the meeting. An unamed source within the Kerry camp elaborated: "John is still perplexed as to what happened in the last election and he feels that he deserves the nomination. So based on that all of us are encouraging him to go."

Meanwhile, a Gore spokesman said that the VP was already "sizing up historical beards in case it takes a while" and an equally anonymous Clinton source told AFG that "she'll be there. She assumes the purpose of this is to get the other guys under wraps - and no one here is saying otherwise."

Sanctimonious whiner Joe Leiberman was notably absent from the invitation. A Dean aide explained including him would be "cruel and inhumane" punishment of the others.

FBI To Al Qaeda: We Can Get It For You Wholesale

WASHINGTON DC – The FBI today posted a message on their website to Al Qaeda members, imploring them to contact the agency.

"Seriously, get in touch. We understand you have need of weapons, cameras for surveillance and ritual pledges - we can totally get that stuff for you wholesale."

The message went on to promise "insane rental rates on vans" and "safe, discreet service." It also offered a "shout-out to Brother Jordache!"

Bush Declares "Mission Accomplished" in the World Cup

NUREMBURG, Germany – President Bush greeted an overflow crowd in Germany today at the World Cup, where he delivered a message of assurance and confidence: "Mission Accomplished!"

Appearing before perplexed American fans, Bush announced: "Major soccer operations in Germany have ended. In the Battle of the World Cup, the United States and our allies have prevailed. And now our team is engaged in securing and reconstructing itself. "

As fans stared siliently, Bush proclaimed "Mission Accomplished!" He then turned to U.S. coach Bruce Arena and shouted: "Brucey, You're doing a heck of a job!"

When asked about his comments later by a reporter aboard Air Force One, Bush said "Look, our boys have obviously finished what it was they were doing there, so thats a mission accomplished. You see, when you 'accomplish' something that means its over."

When told by the reporter that the U.S. lost the match 2 to 1, Bush said, "that sounds like fuzzy math to me."

Illegal Immigrants To U.S.: "Let's Just Be Friends."

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX – Members of what is a growing majority of illegal immigrants gathered today to stage a demonstration at the city's INS offices. This new majority is one that does not desire citizenship - or even permanent residence.

"We're here to say, thanks, but no thanks." explained Raul Picante, who described himself as "just passing through."

"Enough is enough - everyone talking about whether we should stay or go, if we should get citizenship or not... I'll tell you what, don't worry about it. It's time we moved on. We can still talk and stuff."

The dissent was indicitive of a mood that is spreading throughout states heavily populated by illegal immigrants. U.S. Citizens on the scene engaged in a lively debate with the gathering. One such exchange between Texan George Davis and one Jesus DeJesus went like this:

Davis: Go back to Mexico!

DeJesus: Ok.

Davis: What?

DeJesus: I said ok.

Davis: I told you to leave!

DeJesus: And I am.

Davis: No, I mean...

DeJesus: I'm going to leave.

Davis: You can't stay!

DeJesus: I don't want to.

Davis: Grrrgggaaaggg (drools...)

What followed was a complete breakdown of comprehension as locals struggled to come to terms with the concept that anyone wouldn't want to live there.

Corpus Christi's Katie Swingington weighed in:

"Who do they think they are? What makes them think that they can come here and then leave? It's one thing when we want 'em to leave - and by God we do - but at the same time what the heck's so all-fire good about someplace like Mexico? Do they think that Chablis (sic) fella is gonna give 'em all free oil?"

"Rita", an illegal immigrant, disagreed: "Look, it's been fun, and sure, I've been the best you've ever had. We both know it. But you just couldn't commit. And now that I'm leaving, you're sad. But we can still be friends. And if sometime you want great sex, food that isn't bland or music that makes you want to stick a hot pepper up your ass and f*&k till dawn, now you can come visit me in Mexico instead. Just call ahead, Ok?"

When asked what Americans should do if they don't want to "live in filth", "Rita" added, "That's SO your problem now."

Davis, who spoke to us through an interpreter from Middle state North Carolina, was non-plussed: "What even gives these folks the right to speak out? Freedom. That's right. And when they're back down wherever they'll see what it's like to not have freedom. Let's see what they think when they are doing what Sadaam Ricardo tells them to do."

How To Assemble An Atomic Bomb

DUBLIN – Bono of the rock group U2 continued his efforts to build a coalition to help fight AIDS and other crises this week by again defending President George Bush from critics.

During an interview with respected punk magazine 'Up Your Blarney!', Bono held forth on Bush with nervous but seemingly immovable resolve.

"He's not that evil, really. When you look him in the eye, there's something there. Y'know, we're one, but we're not the same. Do you like these new shades?"

Bono has faced criticism for some of the positive language he's used to describe certain Republican figures such as Bush. Many feel his efforts to kow-tow to their egos has led him into dangerous territory as far as alleigences. Bono insists he'll work with anyone to save lives.

"Robert Johnson - he worked with the devil too. And that was the MAIN devil - Bush is at best a Beelzebub or Satanish level devil. And he has good qualities too. I know for a fact he hid a photo of he and Chris Martin in a drawer when I visited - that was considerate."

Interviewer Martin Trouble was unimpressed, smashing a beer glass over the musician's head while shouting expletives and various bizarre comments about footballer Wayne Rooney's role in the confrontation.

Yet Bono was completely unmoved by the ensuing melee, commenting that this was "all part of co-existence."

President Bush was quick to rally to the musician's aid, telling reporters Monday "I love that little fella - especially his cereal with them stars - Lucky Charms - makes me think of Texas - that's sugary stuff!"

Band member "The Edge," who spent most of the interview burying his head under a series of wooly caps - while sobbing mournfully - exited suddenly after 20 minutes, shouting "I'm so sick of it!" in a mantra like fashion. Bassist Adam Clayton meanwhile was inspired by the incident to take up a three day drinking and drug spree accompanied by a dozen fashion models flown in for the occasion. In reaction, Guiness futures soared worldwide.

Larry Mullen of the band was unavailable due to being "too f---ing kick ass to take part in any of this shite." According to reports Mullen also had a previous commitment - greasing motorbike chains.

Sam Jackson to Head Rainbow Coalition

CHICAGO – In a move many heralded as long overdue, actor Samuel L. Jackson was today named the new Chairman of the Rainbow Coalition, a movement that had it's greatest notoriety during the reign of the Reverend Jesse Jackson.

The Coalition's board cited Jackson's "ability to bring people together" and "superb communication skills" as the major factors in picking him for this leadership post.

"Am I gonna do a good job? F&*% yeah I am," said Jackson at his introductory press conference. "I'll get everyone together and say look, stop f*%@ing around. Its about the motherf*%@kin children and sh*t!"

Reporters questioned Jackson's qualifications and were quickly rebuked: "I'm qualified to put my mother*%@ing foot up your mother*%@ing ass!"

The Rev Jesse Jackson weighed in from a stop in Atlanta: "I will support Sam in the House. I will support Sam with a mouse. I do - I do like Sam."

Cue Radiohead Now!: Anderson Cooper's Quiet Situation of Sorrow

NEW ORLEANS, LA – Anderson Cooper, CNN host and mystery-sexual zillionaire heir, is said to speak openly of his "secret suffering" for the first time in the July issue of Bass Fisherman.

"This is him comin' out about one terrible day in 1998 - when he wore a black coat with an off-black pair of trousers," Chester A. Bosh, Bass Fisherman's senior flyfishing editor told AFG Tuesday. "This is a day of shame - deep black - and off-black - shame. He wanted to get it off his chest and when we bumped into each other out back of the bait shed by the Prada store at the Outlet Mall, well we just fixed to talkin."

The conversation - one Bosh describes as "ongoing" - will be serialized over the next three issues of Bass Fisherman, with Cooper taking over editing duties for the third September issue.

Bosh revealed that Cooper has enacted prophylactic measures to prevent such a color catastrophe from happening again. Cooper told Bosh that in the future, he will only wear blue jeans in settings that require a coat.

"I made a joke like, 'maybe you should wear Gloria Vanderbilt jeans' – but he didnt think that was funny," recalled Bosh.

Cooper, currently fishing for emotional moments in the deep water of New Orleans, refused to speak to AFG when we could not guarantee that a moody Radiohead track would be played in the background when this article was read online.