Friday, July 21, 2006

Hezbollah Hillbillies Relocate To Beverly Hills

TYRE, Lebanon and BEVERLY HILLS, California – A once poor Lebanese family has landed in Beverly Hills after striking oil in their homeland.

According to Jedba Azaz, relatives and friends instructed him that "...California is the place you ought to be. So we loaded up the camel and we moved to Beverly. Hills, that is."

The Azaz family were launching rockets toward Israel when an Israeli artllery shell landed in their yard. "After the explosion from the Zionist bomb, we saw a giant black fountain come up from the Earth," said an exuberant Jedba Azaz. "Priase Allah!"

Neighbors told Azaz to call a company called Halliburton, which promptly sent a representative to their war-ravaged village. "This nice American woman Mrs. Hathaway gave us one million U.S. dollars and visas to the United States," said Azaz. "Praise Allah."

The Azaz family is settling in nicely in Beverly Hills and enjoying the Los Angeles atmosphere. "The best thing for us now is that we do not have to live near the Jews," boasted Hizna Azaz, Jedba's wife.

The family is also apparently in discussions about a reality TV series, according to LA talent agency Dershowitz, Mendlebaum and Katz.

Bush's "Sensual Massage"

NEW YORK -- An impromptu sensual massage that President George W. Bush gave German Chancellor Angela Merkel has led to calls for Bush to change his professional occupation - and to get laid.

A 5-second video and series of photographs recently posted on YouTube.com and various blogs show Bush surprising Merkel at the G-8 Summit by quickly rubbing the back of her neck, shoulders, inner thighs, feet and genetalia. The chancellor immediately leans back in her chair, begins moaning, throws her legs up and shouts "Yes, yes!" then appears to be dissapointed as Bush walks away.

"It appears we've found something he's good at," commented Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean. "I think sensual massage is his true calling."

Earlier this week, AFG reported Bush was recorded using sexual language while discussing the Mideast with British Prime Minister Tony Blair. All of which is also causing world leaders to ask whether or not the President is getting enough at home. "We all saw what happened with Clinton when he wasn't getting satisfied," explained an anonymous White House source.

Even actor John Travolta, vacationing on Scientologist Island, weighed in. "I'm feeling kind of tired myself - I could use a foot massage..."

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Bush to NAACP: "Some Of My Best Soldiers Are Black!"

WASHINGTON – In his first speech to the NAACP after a five-year boycott of the civil rights group, President Bush boasted that "some of my best soldiers are black."

"I tell our recruiters to seek out black folks out for our military," said Bush. "I want them on the front lines in Iraq. If that's not having faith in America's African Americans, I don't know what is!"

As the audience sat in stunned silence, NAACP official Benjamin Hooks told the AFG that "this is very awkward."

"When it comes to dismantling roadside bombs, I tell the commanders to send the colored troops out to do that," boasted Bush. "I have no problem with quotas when it comes to this.....these brownies are doin' a heck of a job!"

When asked by reporters what other positions Bush endorses for Afrcian Americans, he responded that he found that "...they make great bartenders too. Plus they can sing up a storm. Like a hurricane. Actually, um, scratch that comparison"

The Rev. Jesse Jackson told AFG he attempted to give the President some advice before Bush took the stage, suggesting he "try not to say anything stupid."

Sources indicate that advice fell on deaf ears.

V.P. Cheney Literally Throws Mother Under Train

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an unprecedented expression of loyalty to the Republican Party, Vice President Dick Cheney threw his mother under a train today.

The incident occured at a fundraiser hosted by a political action commitee called "Billionaires For A Fatter 2%." PAC Chairman I. M. Rich offered Cheney and the Republican Party $1 million if Cheney would throw his mother under the 11:15 PM Acela Amtrak train to NYC.

"I'll take that offer!" Cheney immediately responded, instructing his driver to "fetch Mom" right away.

Thirty minutes later, at an impromptu ceremony at Union Station, Cheney threw his mother under the train. Cheney's mother was sanguine over the event when interviewed just before her death.

"Dick explained that this is necessary, for freedom - and so we don't have to fight the terrorists at home," she commented before being lifted in the air and tossed onto the tracks by the VP.

The funeral will be held at the Halliburton Cemetary that is under construction in downtown Washington. The VP's office refused to comment on reports that the $1 million will be mostly used to pay Halliburton for the funeral.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Bush Showers Blair With Golden Expletives

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia – U.S. President George W. Bush expressed his affection by using bawdy expletives and entendre in comments to British Prime Minister Tony Blair at the G8 summit in St. Petersburg Monday.

Not realizing his remarks were being picked up by a microphone at the summit of world leaders, Bush bluntly expressed his love and desire for Blair.

"See, what I really wanna do is, heh, locate your weapons of mass destruction. And then, heh, I'm gonna (expletive) you with my G8 in your (expletive)," Bush told Blair in a discussion before the Group of Eight leaders began their lunch.

Bush's remarks were picked up by the summit's closed-circuit television, which was filming the leaders sitting down to eat freshly slain protestors.

Normally, the terrifying images are transmitted with sound that does not allow reporters to pick out individual screams. But in this case a microphone picked up Bush's comments to Blair.

That microphone was placed there by amateur detective Melvin Melshowitz of Brooklyn, NY, who explained, "What's the big deal already? I got it out of a magazine from J and R!"

Blair's remarks were not as clearly heard due to the ancient brain scrambling amulet he carries at all times by sacred decree. But the Prime Minister appeared to be pressing Bush about the importance of getting his "international peacekeepers" into Blair's "region".

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Fanta! Fanta! Everybody Fanta! Fanta!

SEATTLE, WA – FBI officials today revealed details of a major sting operation revolving around a Fanta Soda employee's efforts to sell the long coveted secret formula for Fanta Cherry.

Chief Investigator Pea Rhatton was effervescent over the bust. "We've been engaged in a clandestine operation with one Andrea Millis - until today in the Flava Development Dept. at Fanta. We posed as employees of Sprite Incorporated. Ms. Millis offered to 'switch to Sprite, cause it's got Lymon' if we paid 1 million dollars for the secret formula. We immediately contacted the actual corporations involved and they cooperated fully."

Co-workers were in a state of shock. "This is such a blow," explained chief bottling manager and self described "mood fluffer" Rich Harrison. "We're a family here. This is like taking a steel shank and plunging it into my anus, you know? Metaphorically."

And of course the question on everyone's lips had to be, "Where are The Fantanas Girls through all this?"

According to an anonymous Fanta executive, the girls were "Safe. They have been rushed to an undisclosed location. We've already lost our innocence here today. If we lost the girls too, well, I can't even think about that."

Both Mr. Pibb and Dr. Pepper refused to comment. Pepper is currently in his latest rehab stay while Pibb is leading an all soul review in Harlem.

Bush To Open Southfork Ranch to Drilling

SOUTH FORK RANCH, Dallas, Texas – In a move sure to anger locals and Ellie Mae Ewing alike, President Bush today signed legislation opening the South Fork Ranch to oil drilling.

With Ewing Oil CEO J.R. Ewing at his side, Bush said, "I've said it many times, greater exploration is the key to bringing down gas prices – right J.R.?"

Mr. Ewing grinned and told reporters, "That's right W. That's right."

Back at the ranch, Bobby Ewing held a press conference in his shower to proclaim that "J.R. has really done it this time. I mean what would Daddy say if he were here today?" Bobby abruptly left the press conference naked and drove to Knotts Landing in search of help from his idiot cousin Gary.

Meanwhile, rumors circulated of a planned hunting trip at South Fork with Vice President Dick Cheney this past May that sealed the deal. J.R. agreed the trip was a positive one: "That fella could shoot the hair off a tick - if you got the tick to just sit still long enough."

When asked by reporters if he checked with other members of the Ewing family before authorizing drilling, Bush said, "I called Patrick Ewing and he said he didn't care."

Sue Ellen Ewing was too drunk to comment.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

God To Earth: "Get Over Yourself"

THE ARCTIC ZONE – God appeared today in a melting glacier to tell scientists and locals gathered there that, among other things, he's "had it."

"It was pretty unexpected," explained French global climate expert Jacques Jacquet. "One minute, we are watching the ice flow - and then, there he is. God. He looked pretty good - I am pretty sure he was French."

But shock turned to fear when God let loose a series of angry condemnations.

"He was pissed off! He kept talking about 'I'll show you a burning Bush,' and so on. Apparently he is very close with Santa Claus and likes to vacation up here. Except apparently, Mr. Claus now needs a submarine. He is not pleased about this."

Residents of Anchorage, Alaska are complaining that God has been creating lurid snow sculptures all over their region. Wilma St. Johns, a homemaker, said that God's actions "are sick and he needs to cut it out."

God apparently is indeed not happy and was described as "so nasty!" by local fisherman Sven Meddlonger. "I mean, how many thousand years and what does he tell us? 'Get over yourselves.' How is that enlightenment? Come to think of it, he looked a little like Al Gore back when he had that beard..."

The White House wasted no time in issuing a statement, with Bush saying in a press conference that the God seen in the Arctic was "...clearly some other God. Maybe Norse. They like it cold. Them Norses. Norses for courses they say. Like Thor. Probably Odin. Y'know, tryin to get in touch with Thor. Heh. Or maybe one o' them Gods that Tom Cruise is talkin about. Them imaginary alien Gods."

Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment due to a self-rightousness related injury.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Hasselhoff Hair Horror Has Him Hurried To Hospital

LONDON, England -- Former "Baywatch" star David Hasselhoff had surgery after his hair exploded in an accident in a London gym bathroom, his spokeswoman said Friday.

The 53-year-old actor, who played lifeguard Mitch Buchannon on the TV beach drama for 11 glorious years, was shaving his legs at a gym in the Sanderson Hotel on Thursday when his hair exploded, his publicist, Eva Katz, said.

Doctors operated to repair the injury and Hasselhoff spent one night at St. Thomas' Hospital in central London, Katz said.

"He's fine," Katz said by phone from New York. "We keep a stand-by head of hair in a lab in case of an emergency like this. He's out of the hospital and will resume filming tomorrow."

According to Katz, Hasselhoff is working on an ad for Knight Industries "Don't Mention The War" campaign promoting German tourism.

KITT was unavailable for comment.

Sociable