Cunningham Lands Influential Inmate Appropriations Committee Spot

"He's Absolutely Thrilled" Reports Newly Acquired Bitch

BUTNER, North Carolina – Randy "Duke" Cunningham (R-CA) was recently assigned a role in the influential Butner Federal Correctional Complex Inmate Appropriations Committee and is due to chair the Subcommittee on Shanks and Filed Contraband.

Citing his many years experience maneuvering complex political channels that transformed this once humble high school swim coach and Naval pilot ace into one of the most corrupt officials on Capitol Hill, Cunningham pronounced that he was "officially open for business, with bidding for toothbrush shanks and other filed contraband starting at one carton of menthols per."

With his trademark inside-out pocket, Cunningham also touted his newly acquired bitch, a gaunt cellmate with dentures whose name was not reported and answers only after receiving explicit permission from Cunningham.

"I vow to put the same energy and intelligence into this vaunted Committee as I did the 'Shark Finning Prohibition Act' and the 'Flag Desecration Prohibition Legislation' that earned me the respect and admiration of my colleagues and constituents."

Cunningham's Chief of Staff, Todd Cunningham (serving a two-year sentence on drug trafficking) elaborated, saying, "the voters of this cell-block understand, just like the voters of San Diego understand, whether your sleeping in your cell, or in your illegally acquired house boat, there is no better guarantee of personal safety than a fully armed or sharpened weapon under your pillow."

A visibly emotional Cunningham attempted to fight back tears as he embraced his son and bitch with each arm. "Without these two, I'd be a bumbling fool, wallowing in self pity in some minimum security prison for accepting over $2.4 million in bribes on defense contracts during
a time of war. Thank you, Jesus."

With that, the born-again Christian kissed his crucifix necklace and retired to his cell with his bitch.